Ask Miss Angie

Questions...

3001-01-01T22:31:00.000-08:00

Crawling

2009-07-07T11:10:00.001-07:00

He's on the go, now. Watch him crawl and watch him try to climb everything...

Of course it means time to baby proof. Make sure those cleaners aren't in a low shelf. Move the knives to the highest drawer. And start sticking those socket plugs in like crazy.

But embrace it too! Pull the couch cushions off and make a crawlers paradise. Lead some up to the couch and your little mover will feel so proud!

Just Go to Bed!

2008-10-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

My hubby has been deployed for two weeks and ever since he left, my two daughters (ages 2 and 3) have been staying awake after I put them in bed. They've been making messes, doing dangerous things, coming downstairs wanting this and that and everything they can come up with... I think part of the problem is that my two year old is trying to give up her nap (the 3 year old has been done with naps for a long time). She refuses to stay in her room for naps and ends up falling asleep on the couch or the floor... And then we have bedtime battles again. I've tried to cut the nap out completely, but I cannot for the life of me get her to stay awake until bed time--even an earlier one! What can I do?

Nights are hard as is, but I can only imagine what you are going through. I'm guessing that nighttimes aren't just hard for your girls, but for you too. Here are a few thoughts...

I wouldn't give up the two year old's nap just yet. If it is three hours, you could always wake her after one, but I would probably just let her sleep. So, here are some ideas to help with the bedtime routine...

1. Dark. I think it helps to get the room as dark as possible. Then, they aren't able to get up and make as much trouble. It is hard in the summer because it stays light so late, but I would even pin towels up to give it a try, if your windows aren't dark enough.

Bath before Bed. I think that one of the hardest things before sleep is just calming our bodies down. And the more calm the children are before you put them in their beds, the easier it will be for them to drift off to dream land. And there is nothing like a WARM bath to calm the muscles.

Music. I remember trying to sing to my children as they were in their bed, and one of them saying, "Mom, please don't sing any more." And even with a wounded ego I think that lullabies are awesome for ending the night. I think that a turning on a CD as you leave the room is one of the best things. We have a bunch of lullaby music that I rotate. It is nice to have something to listen for...tell them to listen for the song about Winne the Pooh (Kenny Loggins has a Return to Pooh Corner lullaby CD).

Choose Wise Words. If I hear, "But I don't want to go to sleep." I always respond with, "OK, You don't have to go to sleep tonight. But you do have to lie still and quietly and rest your body. But don't close your eyes. Have a nice quiet time. Love you (kiss, kiss). Now if you get out of bed, you are going to have to go to sleep. But if you stay in bed and lie still, than you can stay awake." I think Mary Poppins has her own "Stay Awake" song, now that I think about it. I guess this idea is centuries old.

Don't Give In. If you let them stay up with you on the couch, they will know that if they push hard enough, there is a chance you will do it again. So, stick to your word (whatever you decide your word should be).

Stagger Bedtime. Sometimes, I think that two just fuel the fire. So, often I will put one to bed (whoever sleeps the most soundly) and then put the other one down a half an hour later. Sometimes I switch it, so it isn't really an age or specific child each time. But, sometimes it helps.

Break the Cycle. It sounds like getting out of bed is the new routine. So, sometimes it takes something to break the cycle. Stay up really late with movie and popcorn. Put up a tent in the front room, and sleep in it. Put a sleeping bag in their room for a sleepover. If you can do something a few nights in a row, you can start with your new plan with a fresh start.

Think Ahead. Whatever the viable excuses they give, try and preempt them...have them go potty last thing. Bring a glass of water with you, and let them have a final sip.

Take Away a Sleep Friend. When I am really at my wits end, I usually take away a privilege. So, if they sleep with a pacifier, or a blanket, or a certain stuffed animal, I use it as leverage. I say, "Blankie Blue doesn't want to be in bed with you if you aren't sleeping. So, if you get out of bed again, I'll have to take Blue." Sometimes the tears that come from Blankie leaving are perfect for then returning Blankie minutes later with the immediately relief.

Those are a few ideas! Good luck - let us know if anything works - and if not, I can brainstorm a few more!

Doctor's Visits

2008-10-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

Any tips on how to handle kids at a doctor? I work at the office and parents come in all the time and let their kids go crazy. They trash the office and the patient rooms and leave us to clean up after them. I have crayons and lots of pictures to give to kids when they are needing something to do but not very often it works. It is starting to worry everyone not only for the cleanliness of the clinic but for their safety as well. What is the best way on our part to keep kids behaved for just an hour? HELP!

What a great question. I appreciate the chance to look at this question from a different angle.

I know that personally, I am hyper sensitive in a Doctor's office...I don't really want my children touching anything. If I had my wish I would freeze them in some quiet pose and read my magazine until it was our turn. But unfortunately, going to the doctor's is almost like being on sensory overload. There are so many new things in one room - scales, and tables, and tools. So, Doctor's visits are always a bit tricky...there is a lot of waiting in an unfamiliar (but tempting) environment. When I lived in New York I would save my best toys and special snacks for the doctor -- but the wait time was at least a half an hour. And it was hard.

But, for you, I would suggest making the expectations really clear. When the nurse brings a patient to the room I would suggest that you have them say something like, "The doctor will be here in 5 minutes (or whatever time is accurate) and until the doctor comes feel free to draw with crayons (or read the books--whatever is in the room for the children) and please do NOT step on the scale nor touch any of the doctor's instruments (it would be here that they lay out the expectations). I would hope that everyone would be trying their best, but I think sometimes the lack of expectations keeps the bar too low. So, I say, set the appropriate expectations BUT be sure to share them with the patients. I know that I am never entirely certain what I can and can't touch (so, I usually default to the touch nothing policy) but I am sure that there are others that default to the touch everything policy.

Good luck.

PS - I think that crayons is a really nice gesture, but a little scary. Have you seen those wax sticks or model magic - less dangerous than crayons!

Painting: Norman Rockwell's Before the Shot

Back Talk

2008-09-23T18:00:00.001-07:00

I need advice on how to handle a 4 year old little girl who talks back like a 13 year old. Time out has not worked, telling her we do not talk to mom or dad like that has not worked and many other tactics. What tips can you offer for this issue??

Here's a simple one to try...

Let's say you ask your daughter to, "Go and pick up the toys in the bedroom." And you get a response like, "murmur, murmur, back-chat, back-chat, no-thank you" (or something)...try instead giving her a model of the right way to respond and just tack it on to your question. So, it would go like this, "Go and pick up the toys in the bedroom [change to a higher pitch] Oh, sure, mommy, I'd love to."

Just assume there will be some back talking, because habits are hard to break. But you can preempt her and try and replace the habit with a new one.

This is just a side note (and something that I have thought about for awhile). I know that when my kids approach me with a question like, "We're hungry can you get me something to eat...Will you play trains with me...Come see this, Mom..." that a lot of times I give the "in a minute" answer. It is a mom's own version of back talk. So, I've made a conscious effort to answer, "Yes! I'd love to..." if the answer will eventually be a yes. I try to make the yes something they hear me say. And think about the way your husband, or father responds to your questions. Is it will a, "Sure, honey" or something else? The more you can model the behavior you want your children to exhibit, the better!

Painting byMorisot: Artist's sister with her child

Summer Break

2008-07-17T19:01:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed I've been on Summer break? Well, the truth is, I felt a sudden inadequacy...I mean, really, who am I to think I know the answers. Because, I don't. And I'm not anyone in particular.

But, I think those are the common factors; we don't have answers and we are just normal people. Parenting isn't a 2 + 2 = 4 kind of equation. But we care because the stakes are so high (not my words, but my sentiment). And so because we care, we'll keep thinking about the problems, in hope that we will find the solution that is right for us. It is probably a different solution than my neighbor, but it works for my kids, in my house, for me.

And I'll try to answer questions, but feel free to add your two cents. Because the more cents, the more sense we can make out of our own questions and doubts.

Thanks for your questions!

Books, Books, Books - Seven

2008-05-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

Foam Bathtime Letters are the best toy ever invented. You can take an "O" and stick a "T" into it to build a little raft. In fact, you can make all kinds of rafts you want. And if you make enough rafts, your child will start asking for the "boat parts" by name. "Mom, where is that "L" it makes the perfect anchor."

I think it is much better to learn about letters when kids don't even know they are learning - it beats flashcards!

Painting: Ulysses deriding Polyphemus - Homer's Odyssey by William Turner

Street Danger

2008-03-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

My hands are full with a very busy and quick little 2 1/2 year old boy and a 5 mo old infant. When home I'm able to juggle both of their needs and am glad for the time being that my 5 mo old isn't mobile yet. Today I went to the library with a friend who also has young children. My friend said, "I'm afraid your little boy is going to be hit by a car, he just runs straight out into the street without fear" I realized I have got to find an effective way to teach him that the street equals danger!!!! I always explain to him that cars don't stop for little boys and he needs to stop when he gets to the street to wait for mom and dad to help him cross. Obviously what I'm doing is not working. Please help me with a strategy to teach him to stay away from the street!!

This is a situation I recently faced. I will share with you the why and what of my actions.

I was trying to load the car with the diaper bag, a large stack of boxes for the mailbox, and my children. Just as I got the last box in, out of the corner of my eye I saw that my little one put his foot in the street.

I turned and yelled, "STOP!" I didn't use a you-are-in-so-much-trouble voice, but more of a panicked-what-if-there-were-a-car voice. I ran over to him, as if though he had been hurt by a car. And scooped him up and said, "Are you alright?" over and over. I started kissing his arms and legs, "telling him that I was so happy his arms were safe and his legs didn't get hurt."

I think that my mind's eye had taken me to the moment of a car crash and I wanted him to feel my fear that something really bad could happen (more than anger or a casual response). I wanted him to feel the gravity. And when I started crying (yes, I am pretty sure the tears were more real than forced), I then told him that it isn't safe...something very bad could happen (I think I used the words tire and squish - but I can't remember) and that he always has to hold my hand in the street. He started crying a little bit, realizing how serious, not because I was angry, but because he had done something that made me scared and very sad.

We haven't had another problem. He is very careful, and I have now empowered him to help me check both ways and tell me when it is safe. But, he always has a hand.

So, that is the what. The why is that sometimes I think helping a child understand the emotion behind a serious situation helps them learn. Sure, some kids can be told not to go near the street, and just won't. But, I think it is important to help teach them, that it isn't just a rule - don't eat on the couch - or something. That it is about safety, and the consequence could be really big.

I am sure there are other ways, so please share what has worked for you...

Painting: Paris Street, Rainy Day, 1877/Gustave Caillebotte — The Art Institute of Chicago

Timing

2008-03-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have been married many years now and he has an excellent stable career that he plans to be with until retirement. We own our home and I am ready to start our family. He thinks otherwise. He would like to wait another few years and I am getting very frustrated. I know we should wait until both husband and wife want to have children but I am starting to wonder if he will ever come around and what it will finally take to have him ready. Do I shut my mouth and try to not get frustrated or is there anything to be done?

I think one important thing to realize is that it isn't about being ready right this minute. It is about being ready nine months from now. It might make it easier to think of that way.

But, definitely do not shut your mouth. I think that being emotional honest is really important - and I would perhaps suggest that you pick a time (a starting and ending time) and a date to sit down and talk about this very question.

To Kindergarten or Not to Kindergarten...

2008-03-06T08:24:00.000-08:00

My first child has a birthday in November. The cut off date for school here is December 1st. So my son could start preschool this fall or I could hold him back and wait a year. I put him in a formal preschool this year with every intention of sending him to Kindergarten this fall. However, now that he is in preschool (and loving it) my husband and I are seriously considering waiting another year before sending him to Kindergarten. He's a great kid, smart, tall, athletics are in his blood. He's confident, well adjusted, yada yada yada. So him being the youngest in his class wouldn't be a problem. I've got a 2 1/2 year old and an 8 month old at home as well, who also keep me busy. Would it be better to have my son home another year to help strengthen his character and possibly make school a bit easier for him as he will be older? Or would we be doing him a disservice by holding him back thus making him bored in school? We are soooo on the fence on this issue and would love any insight you can provide.

Hard Question (and of course, I remember you!) - I was on that boy-born-in-December fence. And because it is so personal I don't think I can give you a do or don't...but I can share the thoughts I've had and information I collected in the process:

Sign-Up - It doesn't hurt to sign up now. It almost helped taking my son to the school he might attend. It made it real for him and I was able to really listen to those instincts. It helped make my decision when I knew more and was in waist deep. You can always change your mind and start later.

The Shifting Deadline - So, the deadline for Kindergarten is different everywhere. In Manhattan it is the end of the year. In California it is December 2nd-ish. In many midwest states it is September. So, if you are planning on moving or changing - you may want to look into where you will go, because those will be his peers.

The Current Trend - In general, more and more children (especially the boys) are being held back. At one point we were looking into private schools in NY and even the parents with children who had summer birthdays were holding them back. It was just nice to know.

Social Aspect - So, in general, boys seem to blossom a bit slower than girls...especially socially. So, I would really ask myself about how he interacts with other children. Is he ready to voice his opinion and start conversations (aka Please don't take my puzzle piece or I was watching Bionicles...)?

Physical Aspect - Most Kindergartners are skipping and running and running and running. They are starting all of those American sports - basketball, soccer...and did I mention running?! So, if he is ready to just join in then that is a really good sign.

Bored in School? - I feel like this is a common concern. But, I have to say, that Kindergarten is such a new change - new rules, new friends, new schedule - that this isn't really a major problem. And not surprisingly, the kids are bright and the level of learning is quite high. I've heard it said that Kindergarten is the new first grade...

More Time at Home - Although it wasn't the case, I felt like I was saying good-bye forever at the door of the Kindergarten Room. I was no longer his only influence. He was going out into the world and had I taught him enough kindness or helped fill him with self-esteem? But, your influence isn't lost when he leaves. In fact, it is expanded as you get to talk through new situations. We talk about situations - What would you do if this boy says this or does this? It is nice to know that it isn't the end.

Think Down the Road - Do you remember being the first friend with a Driver's License - or were you the last? And does that matter to you at all as a parent?

Just so that you know, either way will be ok, he'll be ok. I worried that I would significantly be shifting my child's life...but as long as your instinct isn't a loud, "No!" it is going to work out with all of the bumps that any road has. In the end, school will happen now or in a year. And it will all work out...just make sure you open all the doors you can!

Cat Naps or Rather, Baby Naps

2008-02-26T17:54:00.000-08:00

My little one is 4 and half months old now, and I can't seem to get her on the 9/1 nap schedule. She wakes up about 7, then I try and put her down and 9, and she won't have it. it maybe will last for an hour at most, and then I have to get her up, and then she'll be tired again by 11, and then she'll take a good nap, but then I have to give here a later nap around 3. So she takes 3 naps a day instead of 2 long ones. Is this just normal, and I should be glad for the extra time on my hands, or is there something else I can do?

I don't think normal is a word that ever works with naps - oh, how I wish. But, waking up at 7 - that's not too bad to start with! And, I think that it is still fairly common to be on three naps.

I think transitioning from three to two, and from two to one is one of the harder things to do.

The only advice I can offer is that the first nap of the day is the most important nap. If you can get a good first nap in, the whole day goes more smoothly, including following naps. So, here's something you could try: give an earlier first nap. I've always noticed that little ones get tired so quickly in the mornings (literally 45 minutes or an hour after they awaken). So, watch your little one, and the first time she yawns or rubs her eyes, put her down then. And then do everything in your power to be perfectly silent that first hour. It is your best chance for her learning to take a two hour nap. Once she gets into deep sleep, she'll stay asleep that next hour.

So, to recap, put her down earlier! Be as silent as you can (while you are experimenting) to give her a chance to stay asleep longer.

I know it is our nature to think, I've got an hour, what can I get done. But, if you read or stay really quiet, you can let her natural sleeping habits take place. Of course, third and fourth babies don't get the luxury and still turn out wonderfully. But, while you have the chance, help her take that longer nap, because it will ultimately make your life easier when you don't feel tethered to the crib.

Anyhow, does anyone else have ideas?

Painting: Road with Cypress and Star by Van Gogh

Learning to Read

2008-02-20T10:20:00.000-08:00

What was that website again to help kids with reading where you put the letters into the machine and words come out?
I think you are thinking of...The Letter Factory and the Talking Words Factory by Leap Frog. Love them, and think they taught my child to read - by the by, saw the movies at Target for 9.99 just last week...As for a website - Starfall is all the rage amongst starting to read Kindergarteners.

Screaming

2008-02-20T10:07:00.000-08:00

My 18-month-old son has been going through a big screaming phase recently. I'm wondering if these are just normal tantrums. He seems to scream when I can't give him my undivided attention (e.g. I'm cooking dinner) or when he gets frustrated that he can't communicate what he wants (he doesn't have many words yet). Any thoughts on how to survive until he can talk more and on helping him not be so upset when I can't give him all my attention?

I feel like this is the cop out answer...but I think that screaming is just part of it all. If I could think of a way to entirely be rid of screaming I am certain I could win some award - a Nobel Peace Prize perhaps!

But, I think that there are some things you could probably do to help.

"Use your words" - This is a favorite phrase of mine. I think that little ones that are starting to use words forget to use them entirely when they are frustrated so they fall back on their infantile way to deal with needs - crying. So, sometimes, calmly saying, "Use your words," can actually really help.

Let him help you - It might take twice as long to cook dinner, but if you get him out his own bowl and spoon and entreat him to help you with dinner it can help. I know that my three year old is a permanent helper now (he's been sitting on the counter so long, he now knows it is his roll, so he comes running into the kitchen at the sound of a mixer - to help).

Talk, Non-Stop - I think it goes against most of our nature to just talk and talk and talk. But, when you are cooking dinner and your hands are full, your mouth is probably not (except for occasional tasty morsels). So, I would narrate what you are doing - give your own little cooking show for your child. Help him decide which lettuce you should use for the salad. Tell him that you are chopping up an orange carrot. Tell him what is happening, but also use it as a time for imagination. If your child likes trucks, or balls, talk about those things. Say things like, "It is a good thing the garbage truck isn't in our kitchen because he may smash these carrots and then we couldn't eat them...you know, the strange stuff that kids like to hear.

Painting: Acceptance by Cezanne

To Do Ideas

2008-02-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

Every week, my son's teacher gives a list of fun learning ideas - it always helps spark my creativity - so I thought I'd share this week's...

Play With Me - Ideas for Learning
1. Take a walk together. When you get home, draw a picture and write a message about what you saw.
2. Say your phone number. Write it down. Learn your address.
3. Help fold the laundry.
4. Count the windows in your house. Help wash a window for spring cleaning.
5. Look for something beautiful outside. Tell someone about it.
6. Write a list of 5 things that are red in your house.
7. Read a book.
8. Put on some music and make up a dance.
9. Find a picture in a magazine and make up a story about it.
10. Draw nutritious foods that you like on a paper plate.
11. Hop, skip, gallop, and jump outside.
12. Say some nursery rhymes. Tell which words rhyme.
13. Practice what you would do if there were a fire at your house.
14. Find 8 objects that start with "B."
15. Teach a song to your family.
16. Think of words that rhyme with "man," "cat," "like," "hot," and "bee."
17. Cook something for your family to eat.
18. Go on a shape hunt around your house. Find squares, triangles, and circles.
19. Play "I SPY" with beginning letters: "I spy something that starts with D."
20. Name the months in a year.
21. Draw a picture for someone you love.
22. Read the cereal boxes in your cupboard.
23. Count the spoons in your drawer. Count the forks. Add them together.
24. Make an ABC book about any topic or theme you like...The ABC's of Valentine's Day (For each letter of the alphabet think of a word that starts with that letter and relate it to Valentine's Day...A is for _____, B is for ____, C is for ____, etc.)

Thanks, Maribeth!

Medication Question

2008-02-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

My 8 month old son recently had two doses of a medication that was transfered through my breastmilk (doctor's said it wouldn't, but side effect tabs and on-line medicine info confirmed it) which has made him throw up violently several times. It was scary! But the medication is out of my system and out of HIS now and he acts happy and healthy all day long...but he is waking up in the middle of the night throwing up! Is this just a case of a weakened reflex or should I worry that something else is wrong?

I am so sorry.

I would definately call your doctor and at very least talk to the "advice nurse." I'm not a doctor and I don't know about the specific medications you were on...but I think it is best to be safe. Isn't it great to know that we can talk to our doctors without having to drag our kids into the office!

But, personally, certain medicines last longer in some people's system than other's - I can take a Claritin and be great for three weeks, it has always lasted longer than 24 hours for me. But, I know that I am really sensitive to all medicines...you may just have a really sensitive one on your hands.

I hope he gets all-the-way better soon!

Bedtime Troubles

2008-02-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

My five year old is going through a bedtime regression. She use to go to bed fine after her nightly routine, but recently she throws HUGE tantrums. She claims she's afraid of the dark, or needs water, or wants someone to come sleep with her because it's not fair that mommy and daddy get to sleep together. Nothing in our routine has changed and we've tried everything (a lamp, a night light, a bedtime water bottle, even locking her in)! Any ideas on what might be causing this and what else we can do?

I am soooo sorry. Kidney stones is my excuse. But, you probably talked to a sister or a friend and already got better advice then I could give (isn't that the genius of community) but in case you haven't here is a thought.

I feel like this idea is true with adults as well as kids. Somehow, we can all get focused on our fears or sorrows and the more we focus the bigger they feel. So, no doubt, she is really feeling afraid or worried. But, instead of trying to fix the thirst or dark. I would try from a totally different angle.

I would get her favorite doll/stuffed animal or even get a new one (preferable a baby or young animal), and then tell your daughter that this baby doesn't like to go to bed. In fact, the baby doesn't know how to go to bed. I would start the dialog in the morning and keep it going all day. Help her mother the baby. And then before bed, take your little one AND the doll to get water, turn on the light. And have your daughter tell the doll all of the reasons it is ok. She will become the authority. She will be the one taking care of the doll. Sometimes, it just takes a different focus...

Another thing I always say, is, "You don't have to go to sleep. You can stay awake all night. You just have to lie still. But, certainly don't close your eyes." You could let her listen to a cd of lulluby music so she can focus on that instead of her fears.

A final idea. You can tell her that you can't sleep in her room, but that you will miss her so much that you will sit outside of the bedroom door. And really do it. Do it for a week or two. She'll get up and out of bed and see that you are really there and it will help build the confidence. It takes a little while - but it is worth it when the sleep routine is back to do-able!

Painting by Sharp: Blanket Bull, Crow Papoose 1908

2008-01-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

"You parents, you fathers and mothers…live the kind of exemplary lives before your children that they will find in you the polar star to which they can look as they shape their own lives."

Gordon B. Hinckley

Potty Training - Making the Toilet Fun

2008-01-23T14:12:00.000-08:00

I need as many ideas as possible here since I seem to have exhausted them all here. I'm potty training, and the problem isn't bladder control, it's physically getting my three and a half old daughter on the toilet!! She won't sit on a training toilet, a special seat on the toilet, or the toilet itself, in fact she refuses to go in the bathroom these days. When I try to get her to go she says over and over, "I can't do it, it's too hard, it's not working." I have tried any sort of bribery, I have tried taking away all that is most dear and precious to her (candy, cartoons, pacifier), asking her to not pee, just sit on the toilet and count to 5 (or even 2 gor goodness sakes), sending her to bed early... Seriously, my child cannot be coerced to do anything she doesn't want to. No form of bribery, punishment or reward works on her. Any ideas I'm not thinking of?

Ok, you need to make the toilet the best part of the entire house. It needs to be a party! Some of the ideas may be over the top, but you'll get the feel for what I am saying.

First of all, I wouldn't try and convince her - I don't think reason and ration help with a determined 3 year old (if she says it's too hard, she'll stick to it). So, I would just focus on getting her to sit on the toilet.

A potty present is the first idea. Buy her a special potty present - the catch: she can only play with it on the toilet. So, to unwrap it, she has to be sitting (not going) on the potty.

A potty party is another idea. Decorate the bathroom with streamers and balloons. Have your little one help you in the kitchen. Make potty cookies, or potty hot chocolate. Again, she can only eat the treat when sitting on the toilet. But, really talk it up the entire time you are making them. And then I would even say something like, "I want the first potty cookie!" I get to sit on the toilet first. Let her see you sit on the toilet. And make sure you have a running dialog, "This is so fun. I love to sit on the toilet. I feel so grown-up. Babies can't sit on toilet, but I can!" You get the idea. But, it is good for kids to see their parents on the toilet, especially if they have an aversion or fear.

Ok, this is silly, but have you ever thought of plugging the tv into a closer outlet, so that they can watch their favorite show on the potty. A potty show, I guess...I know it is crazy, but sometimes you just need them to happily sit there. I never tried this one, but I heard of it and loved it!

Finally, story time on the potty. I am telling you, that I did a lot of reading to my eldest on the toilet.

It sounds like you just need to make the bathroom the best place for awhile - if she's got the control, the next part will be easy! Good luck!

Potty Training - Regression

2008-01-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

I have a 4 year old boy, who shows his stress through his accidents. I could give you details, like he has been potty trained for over a year but not through the night - which in my experience is normal. I have 4 kids and he is number 3. He is very verbal and extremely physical (he can ride a 2 wheeler), but the question is...What can I do to help a preschooler who takes out his stress by peeing in his pants? Any thoughts?

Thoughts...you know I do!

I feel like every child is so unique when it comes to potty training. And the fact that your little guy is in preschool tells me this - his world is changing and different. School at any age poses new situations and frustrations. There can be a new situation everyday, and he could be taking in more than you could ever imagine. And to be number three of four means that he has a lot going on at home. Any given day there are so many people, and infinite number of situations and he is probably really sensitive (a tangent - I just love third children, they are so wonderful and good, they are my favorites).

I feel like the first thing you can do is spend extra time with him. Not talking about potty training or accidents. Just something personal - coloring, playing basketball, cooking. Invite him (literally, you could make an invitation) or just ask him to do something with you. Just you two. And while you are coloring, make sure you tell him how wonderful he is. Really build his confidence. Help him remember how important he is.

The secret weapon - DADS. I would have his dad do the same thing. Spending extra time for at least two weeks will really help how he feels about himself. The most balanced child in the world can loose confidence when they are nervous about something (and he probably doesn't even know he is - he could never verbalize it). But, really have his dad make time for him alone, just while things are rough.

And then, when an accident does happen, treat it as if though you were cleaning up after dinner - totally routine. Don't give it extra attention - don't talk to him about it.

And then, have him go a lot. Do all of the preventative things you can. I know that this conversation happens a lot: "Go potty..." in response, "But I don't have to go..." But, I can share a phrase that has helped us a lot, we started saying, "Go empty out!" It makes more sense, and solved that "I don't have to" phrase.

I would talk to his teacher. Get her on your side. Most likely, it has to do with preschool stress, so having her be understanding, may help her watch out. Show more patience towards him. All the things a teacher should be doing, but could use a reminder.

And then in about two weeks, if it's still happening, I would start at the beginning. Pretend like he has never been potty trained. And I would work on helping him get through the night. Just have him sleep without pull-ups and be prepared for a couple of busy nights with a lot of cloth changing. When he wets himself in the night, walk him straight to the bathroom and say, "empty out" (even though he probably has nothing left, its the habit you want to establish). You could even do the, "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Blastoff!" And then clean the bed and put him back down. Off course, you probably have the better advice, so be sure to share what worked for your other ones!

Good luck! It is normal - but it is nice to have new ideas, too!

Colic

2008-01-09T13:46:00.000-08:00

Colic - what do you do for it? My son and daughter-in-law are exhausted.

I am so sorry for that little sweet baby.

I wouldn't wish colic on any baby or any parents - it is so miserable and never-ending (trust me - I was there). I feel like it is more about managing the situation than ever solving it...

Parents first on this one. I feel like the hardest part with colic is that there is no solving it. So, the most important thing is to learn to take breaks - without doubt - it is a MUST. Buy a lovely lullaby cd - wrap your baby snug - and then leave the room. At another time in the day put your baby in a swing and go to another room and listen to your music. Shower with the door shut so you can't hear the crying. Take several 15 minute breaks throughout the day. Because your baby will be just fine - but you may not be. So, just schedule the breaks as part of the day. The breaks will help you love and give even more. So, its ok!

Babies next. There are ideas that everyone should try - try one or two a day. But don't rush it, there is a good chance nothing will make a difference, but it will ease your mind to know you tried everything:

1. Baby Massage - rub their tummies clockwise

2. LOUD music and the dark

3. A car ride, Sitting on the dryer, anything with a hum and a vibration

4. Swings

5. Tummy Pressure

6. Long Walks

7. Warm baths

I swear it worked. Now most people say that you can't medicate it, but my Doctor (Zimmerman - highly tauted in Manhattan by the plaques on his wall, etc.) prescribed Hyoscyamine (levsine™, or gastrosed™) pronounced hycosamine. It was a gift. It was only used once a day (at night when it always seems the worst). And it was a gift and eased his little stomach - we didn't experience any side effects. I would talk to your doctor about it - and seriously think about trying it once or twice. You would have to go in requesting it, but relief is such a gift for baby and parents!

I wish I would have known. My baby was colicky - but it got worse at feeding times. He would eat really quickly. And I didn't learn until waaay to late that he was lactose intolerant. Lactose Intolerant!! It seems like every other baby these days has food allergies, so it might not hurt to try a soy milk bottle for a 48 period and see how it goes. I really wish I would have known, I feel like it was probably my answer - but at the time I just felt like breast milk was the best gift I could give my crying little baby. I wish someone would have suggested this, so I'll pass it along.

Anyhow, here is a more complete website:
Colic Website

Good Luck! Let us know if anything helps!

Painting: "Mother and Child" by Thomas Sully

Independent 3 Year Old

2008-01-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

I have a 3+ year old boy. He has always been very independent...wanting to do everything by "myself!". On the contrary, there are also multiple times a day when he wants ME (and noone else-not even Daddy) to do the most simple task for him. For example, he may drop a toy in the tub and then say, "mommy pick it up!" when it is right in front of him. Or he won't finish eating his food until I spoon feed him, which he can clearly do himself other times. One time, he threw a ball in the neighbor's yard and the neighbor brought it back to him but he wouldn't accept it unless I went back and got it for him where it landed. I most often refuse and stay strong until he'll give in and do it, which usually turns into a big battle, but then there are times in public or in a hurry where I just do it for him to avoid conflict. I feel like he is trying to control me. How would you recommend I handle these situations and do you think there is a reason for his doing this?

Reason 1: Well, if you have given in, then it almost becomes a game. A child's thought could be something like - she did it once, so if I ask long enough she'll do it again.

Reason 2: And the other big one - attention. Sometimes, even if they really have all the attention in the world, they aren't sure - especially around other people (which is what it sounds like is happening).

Solution 1: I feel like it is a phase that will pass - so its more about enduring or getting through it. So, I would just totally give in - end the game. Everytime. Just do it. But, you don't want to feel like your three year old has the one up. So, what if you tried to get the last word (so that you feel like you are teaching him something). In other words, switch tactics.

So, when he asks you to do something respond like this, "When you ask me so kindly it makes me really happy to help you." And if its asked in more of a whine, then I would repeat his sentence exactly with a kind tone and add a please. Usually a child will repeat. If he doesn't. Still, say somthing like, "I really love the word please." And then help him.

Solution 2: I would seriously feed him everytime he asks for about 5 days. And then, once you have switched tactics, start trying to work on it from a different angle. So, with the food, when he is eating by himself be sure to say something like, "Wow, are you a four year old? You are sure using your fork like a big four year old. You must be four." Or something that resembles genuine praise. Then, when he asks to be fed - make sure it isn't any fun. Just do it really absent mindedly - in fact, get on the phone or something. The message being, you will get more attention from me for your good behavior.

To Say or Not to Say

2008-01-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

I feel like word choice for talking to your little ones is one of the most important things...and most influential things we do every day.

But, instead of telling them what NOT to do, I like to tell them what TO do. Its hard at first; I say a lot of things like: don't kick your brother, don't dump your water on the floor, don't do every other crazy thing you do...but its so much better to say things like: do use your legs to run around with your brother, do drink your water its a better choice, and do the crazy things that I can live with...

Just a thought.

Wits End

2007-12-26T13:58:00.000-08:00

I am at my wits end with my 3 1/2 year old son! This year he has progressively gotten worse with his behavior. He seems so unstable most of the time. He cries over everything! And it seems now he is digressing in his behavior. Like if we are at the store he will ask for something and I say no and now he will cry and throw a major fit. He already knows the answer is no, it always has been. But now he cries, pouts, whines, etc. all the time! Why? And what is the best method for my response?? Ignoring, time-outs, take away privileges?? I do not know what to do!

I am so glad you asked this question, because I remember feeling in this same place before. I really was out of ideas...it was almost as if everything that had been working so well stopped working at all.

First, I just have to say this to get it out of the way, make sure he is sleeping well and he is well fed (I feel like three year-olds grow a lot and need a little snack in between meals a few times a day). I know its a silly thing to say, but sometimes the solution is simple - so I thought I'd start at the beginning.

Second, I'll say from personal experience, that if you really are in a period with a lot of tears and breakdowns - I would actually dispense with a lot of the more traditional discipline ideas. I wouldn't ignore, or take away privileges, or even do time-outs--these are too emotionally confusing.

This is what I think, from the very beginning, babies grow in stature and intelligence. It sometimes feels like you can watch them growing - you know when they figure out how to do a puzzle or drag a chair over to the sink. But, then around three there is a new factor, EMOTION. And for every situation there seems to be an emotional factor. Its not about getting dressed in the morning, its about how they feel about getting dressed. Because once you've conquered putting on your own pants, its a lot less fun. So, I would suggest that you deal with your little guy in an emotional way.

What do I mean? Well, instead of helping him see how his behavior is wrong when he cries at the store, I would try to help him feel better so that he can behave better. Here's the best analogy I can think of at the moment...you know when you are cooking and you accidentally put too much salt in your spaghetti sauce - so to try and fix it you add a little bit more Italian seasonings, then a bit more tomatoes, then maybe a bit more garlic to mask the flavor, and you keep adding until you have a disaster. Well, I feel like sometimes we are trying so hard that it is just complicating things. Like, maybe if I say this or do this it will just solve the problem. When the truth is, that a lot of parenting is modeling good behavior -- the one thing that takes a lifetime to demonstrate.

So, I would scoop him up in your arms, and hug him. Try to just give him extra love and patience. I know that this is the ONLY thing that works for me when my kids are at their hardest. And it takes about three days of unending patience, and then I start to see a difference. They are just happier. I can get back to my discipline tools in two weeks, but right now, I can just love them.

But, a tool would be a nice:

Telling stories.

1. Kids love to hear the story of when they were born. You could tell them everyday and it wouldn't be enough. So, pick up your little boy and in a quiet voice right in his ear say, "I'm sorry that you are sad. I'm sad too sometimes. But, I remember a time that I wasn't sad. It was the day that you were born..." And then launch into the story. You'll see the tears will end fast.

2. Kids love to hear stories about when you were a child, especially the toys you played with. Again, in that quiet voice, hug him and say, "I'm so sorry that you feel like you need to hit right now. Sometimes I feel so frustrated I want to hit too. But, I always try not to. I remember one time when I was four years old. I was playing in my back yard and I wanted to dig a deep hole..." Just tell any story.

3. Imaginary Stories are great (I thought I couldn't tell them, but I you get better and better with practice). If you are going somewhere that is high stress, like a grocery store, I would do a Preemptive story. Start the second he is in the grocery cart. "Once upon a time, there was a hungry monster. He was purple and had polka-dots. But, every time he ate something, his fur changed colors." And then everything you add to the cart, let it be monster food. And when you pick up green beans and put them in your cart, tell him how the green beans turned the monsters toes green - or whatever. Just turn the painful ordeal into an adventure.

You may want to read this answer about time-outs - it might be helpful.

Good luck! It isn't easy.

Painting: Henri Matisse, Jazz: Icarus, 1943

Running Around in Circles

2007-12-21T17:26:00.000-08:00

My son is a runner, and a fast one at that. He likes to run in circles around the couch, up and down the hall, etc. I usually think it's cute, except for when we're in a public place and he wants to run. I've tried strollers, carrying him, and even bringing treats to distract him, but he'll kick, scream, and foam at the mouth until I finally cave and let him down. Then, off he goes and the chase ensues. Any advice for this "out of breath" mom?

In truth, if there was a simple answer to this question, they wouldn't have invented the leash for kids (oh, no way am I suggesting this - but did you see that Saturday Night Live where the kid is attached to the play structure - too funny! - ok, I am clearly digressing).

Here's an idea or two, but because he's little you'll want to keep the option short and clear. I would bring the stroller and say, "You can sit in the stroller or you can hold the side of the stroller." (Sometimes holding the stroller instead of your hand feels like such freedom and could solve the problem just by doing this). Once he chooses, then make the consequence clear, "If you let go, I will buckle you in."

Of course, he's probably used to running around so its going to take some serious stick-to-it-ness. But, I would go somewhere closer and try it out. He'll probably end up right back in the stroller. But, when he wants out, try again. Once he realizes you won't budge, he'll get used to it (sounds simpler said then done).

When he is happily holding the side of the stroller be sure in that instance to tell him how important his job his. The instant he is being an angel, reward him with your words! Isn't it fascinating how children love tasks and to feel essential.

Anyhow, he is really young, and the honest truth may be that he needs a few more months until he is not bolting.

Painting: Cherubs (Detail Sistine Madonna) by Raphael

Loud Little One

2007-12-20T08:41:00.000-08:00

My three year old is LOUD. He seems to find yelling is the way to talk. It isn't like we don't hear him when he doesn't yell and we aren't yelling or loud parents... When we ask him to talk quietly or use your indoor voice, he says he is or that he can't talk quieter. I have tried just whispering to him to see if he would catch on, doesn't work...What can we do? He is teaching out one year old to be loud too and I am not sure my head can take anymore noise!

The best phrase I can offer you is, "My ears can't hear when..." So, every time your little one shouts that he needs you, you can respond with, "My eyes can see that your mouth is moving, but when you talk too loud my ears can't hear the words very well." And then, this is really important, model what you would have liked him to say and in what volume and tone.

For example, he shouts that he needs cookies. You quietly say, "Mom, I would like a cookie please." He tries it. If its right, great. If not, then try again. Sometimes it may take a few times going back in forth. But MODELING is the way I've had the most success.

Of course, if you really can't tell the difference - then you may need to do something like a Volume Bootcamp. You could go outside with the intention of exploring volume. It might be really eye opening if he hears you yell...what it is like when you shout too loud. You could simply go outside to play in the snow - and try and role play. But be too loud or too quiet. Ask him to help show you the right voice to use outside.

In the end, there isn't a wrong or right volume. But, perhaps a right or wrong time to use that volume. So, giving your little one control might help!

Painting: Peter Breugel's Children's Games

Traveling with a Baby

2007-12-17T22:37:00.000-08:00

We are traveling next month and I'm not quite sure what to bring for a 9 month old...does anyone have anything good for little ones?

Traveling is a hot topic right now, and traveling with babies is very different than traveling with a toddler or older child.

First. I echo my advice for older kids--the first thing I do on an airplane is bring Clorox wipes in a plastic bag and wipe down all of the airplane seats and trays first thing. Babies seem to get their mouth on everything - so its nice to not worry.

Second. Non-toy toys are the best and seem to hold babies attention the longest. So, I suggest bringing a calculator or a remote. Mini flash lights. Empty infant Tylenol bottle with the squeeze top. A marker (not to draw with - but its great fun to hold). Eye lash curler. You get the idea.

Third. Go with the tried and true books - not that many - they are heavy and not very helpful. Oh, and there is that cute Cheerios Book where you actually use Cheerios as wheels and then the baby gets to pick it up and eat them.

Fourth. Change of clothes. So important. I swear the worst eruptions seem to happen on planes.

Fifth. Something to chew on/suck on during take-off and landings. Some babies do great. Just be sure to fill your bottle as soon as you get on the flight - as for the beverage as you walk to your seat (you know, with the no liquid flight restrictions).

Here's a start, what can you add to this list?

Originally Published 7/12

Sketch: Baby with Dummy by Horace Mann Ivans

Nightmares

2007-12-11T23:29:00.000-08:00

"Mom, I am scared!"

"I can't stop thinking about those scary eyes."

"I just can't sleep, I'm feeling too scared."

I feel like sometimes we want to help explain away the scary. Like, there is nothing to worry about, there is no monster under your bed. Or, that sound was nothing. There is nothing scary here...

But, sometimes ration and reason don't work with kids. If they are really scared, they need to learn a coping mechanism. Something to help them deal with the scary feeling that is very real to them - regardless of why it isn't rational.

So, one solution I tried that worked was to help my little boy turn his scary creature into a funny one in his head. Here' what I mean. We decided to give him a big funny rudolph nose and then put chicken legs on his body. We gave him a pink umbrella that had a hole where the rain was dripping in. We made his scary image a silly one. We were laughing together after just a few moments. And when I said goodnight a second time, I said, "If you have another scary guy be sure to dress him up extra funny!"

Anyhow, it worked. It was only a scared moment, not a terrible night or even week!

Books, Books, Books - Six

2007-12-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about illustrations of food - but I always have to stop and take a pretend bite of everything. Tonight as we were reading about that little blue engine for the millionth time, my little one had to stop and give me a taste of the "red cheeked apples,", oranges, spinach, and peppermint. Hey, I say, if they are pretend eating healthy food -- great! But mostly I just love the interaction with the book - its literally giving back with each pretend bite!

Sketch by Hablot Knight

A Trick for Following Directions

2007-12-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

When your little one asks you to watch tv and you say something like, "Ok, but only one show. And then you have to turn it off." And they respond with an ok. But will they really turn it off? Probably not.

The best way I've found to make sure they heard me and will do it is a little quiz. "Are you going to watch tv?" Wait for the Yes.

Then, "What are you going to do at the end of the show?" Usually, they can't answer. All they intially heard was, "Ok!" So, repeat the instructions. And start the quiz over.

When I can get my little one to tell me that he will stand up and turn it off, it usually happens! And of course it works for any kind of direction giving.

Painting: The little knitters by Albert Anker

Inspiration Can Breed Motivation by Hannah

2007-12-03T16:37:00.000-08:00

My sister-in-law was here over the holiday and had a question that stumped me. She has a very intelligent 6 year-old girl who is completely losing motivation for everything. She doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning and when she finally does, she just wants to play my-little-ponies and refuses to get ready. At school her teacher complains of her not focusing and "daydreaming". She doesn't want to finish her dinner, just stir it around in her plate, doesn't want to do her homework, so a 10 minute assignment takes 60 minutes. Her mother is getting exhausted trying to come up with ways to get her to do things. Any tips on how to help her become more motivated? My Sister in law doesn't want to squelch her daughter's creativity or make her think life is only about work, but it's getting to a very frustrating point for her and she is looking for advice.

This is a great question - and I have put a lot of thought into the answer. For starters I asked for ideas from one of the best teachers/moms/person I know. Hannah taught little ones and has a wonderful perspective. She is a true treasure (you can tell from the response she gives). My answer is after this post. So, here is her beautiful answer:

"I think inspiration can breed motivation. As a teacher of young children, I think one of my primary responsibilities (& joys in teaching) was to inspire my students: inspire kindness, trust, silliness, resiliency, a can-do attitude...the list goes on. So when a student was having trouble in class, I would ask myself "How can I inspire & motivate little Jane?" I was never big on "do this, get this" reward systems where prizes were doled out. Some kids need that in the classroom, but I've found that most kids don't. Most kids can be inspired and motivated--but you have to know what makes him or her tick. It sounds like this little girl may be bored in school--I wonder if any of these things might work to add some enthusiasm and focus...? These are all things I found easy, quick and doable in my classroom. But of course, not everything works for all kids, and her teacher would need to be willing to try these things.

*Extend assignments creatively to make them more interesting to her. Write & illustrate a story to go with the pictures on the math assignment. Make math problems from the illustrations in a book. Write a different ending for a story. Of course, these need to be things she can enjoy doing independently.

*Does she like helping? When I had a bright quick finisher in my class, I found they often liked and were quite skilled at helping their peers. I taught them some little "insider's tricks" on how to be a teacher by helping, not doing, the work for other kids. In order to help others, she needs to set a good example by finishing her work--then she can help. Most kids love knowing they're helping their teacher and friends. And it was so cute to see little helpers say things like "What word would make sense there?" or "Get your mouth ready" when reading, for example.

*Does she like to write/draw? I had a very bright kindergartner last year who finished her work quickly. But she LOVED to write and draw. That inspired her. So she had a "Words Book" that I made her. (Just paper stapled together.) She titled each booklet "Volume ___" and wrote and drew the most lovely, creative pages. She was learning, thinking, creating. I looked at her book every few days and wrote comments and asked questions, so it also became a 2 way journal for us. But, she was only able to work on this when she had completed whatever classroom assignment I had given her. This motivated & inspired her.

*She seems to like her ponies--maybe she could have a "pony journal" and when she finishes her work, she can write about what she and the ponies will do after she finishes her homework that afternoon (maybe it'll help with motivating the completion of homework in a more timely fashion, too?). The teacher could write at the top "After I finish my homework, my ponies will..." and then she can write about the magical kingdoms they'll explore, etc.

*One of my all time favorite tools was giving choices, which you wrote about a while back, Ang. "Would you like to complete your assignment at your desk or at the writing center?" "Would you like to do your math problems from top to bottom or bottom to top?" And when it comes down to it, "Would you like to do your assignment now or at recess?"

*Speaking of choice, that can be inspiring and motivating, too. Maybe the teacher would be willing to create a menu of acceptable independent choices for AFTER she finishes her assignment. Make the menu cute and colorful. Put it in a special place where the kid can consult it. I've found kids can be motivated to finish the must-do classroom assignments when they know they have a choice waiting for them after.

*Some kids need a visual reminder of encouragement. For one little boy who struggled to stay focused and complete assignments, I wrote some encouraging words on index cards and taped them to the inside of his pencil box, on the inside of his journal, math workbook, etc. He loved trains, so I wrote and illustrated trains with words like "I think I can, I think I can. I believe in you, Marcus! You can do it!" If he was daydreaming or not focusing, I'd stop at his desk and point to one of these cards, not saying anything. Just a smile and a tap, tap, tap. He got the reminder without feeling nagged.

*Draw a picture of something she loves or get some pretty paper and write something like "I am the queen of focusing!" or some such thing. Tape the paper to her desk or inside her pencil box. When you catch her being really focused, draw a little star or crown or flower--whatever she likes. When she collects an agreed upon number of drawings, send home a handwritten note to mom and dad on some beautiful stationary sharing the good news. That can be very inspiring and motivating for kids. It also gives them a visual reminder and keeps track of progress, so that they may start self-checking and being aware of their own behavior.

As a teacher, I found I usually only had a few students (at most) who needed these kinds of motivational tools each year. So, these were quick and easy things that I could do in my classroom. Maybe some of them could be adapted by mom at home, too. I firmly believe that "there's nothing more unequal than an equal education." Meaning, kids need different things to feel successful and reach their highest potential. I never had a problem with other kids saying "that's not fair" or "why don't I have a special journal/menu/paper in my pencil box?" And if they did, I'd explain "Different kids need different things." and they were usually content with that explanation.

I think as adults we need to be inspired and motivated, too. Inspiration is so pivotal in life. When I worked for a really super school principal, who inspired me in the way he interacted with kids, smiled at everyone in the hallways and led staff meetings with such a kind and positive attitude, I felt motivated to be the best teacher I could be, even on the most challenging of days. When I have dinner with a really amazing, resilient, funny friend, I leave feeling inspired...and motivated to be a better friend or be a better story teller or look at things in a new way. And now as a new mom I consider it one my greatest jobs and challenges to inspire my daughter to live a happy, creative and joyful life."

Thank you, thank you, Hannah! What brilliant ideas. Reading so many beautiful ideas is inspirational.
Painting: Renoir's "Portrait of Claude Renoir Painting"

Motivation by Angie

2007-12-03T03:35:00.000-08:00

Any tips on how to help a child who is daydreaming and loosing focus become more motivated?

I know that sometimes its hard to motivate our little ones. But I would do whatever it takes to change the cycle. It sounds like she is in a rut. And if one of the beautiful ideas above doesn't work, you may need to try something big enough to break the cycle and re-create a new one at home.

But while you are figuring it out be sure you don't label her. Never use words or phrases like "can you go faster" or "hurry up" or "slow". . . I would be sure to carefully watch her and the moment she is putting on her clothes with determination or the instant she takes a big bite of cereal tell her with descriptive words how wonderful that moment is. Be sure to really give her praise for doing and being. Even if its something as simple as, "I saw the way your eyes looked when you saw the ingredients on the the table for cookies, the seemed to tell me I am so excited about this!" Really watch and emphasize it.

You may need to talk to your child's teacher to see if you can stop homework for awhile. If simple things like using special pencils and pens sitting in a special spot, or switching rolls while you have her teach you, or sticker charts aren't working then you could try something like this:

1. Invent projects that really inspire her. Like Hannah said, knowing what makes them tick is so important. If its dolls, or Pet Shop, or Dora...take that as your springboard. Spend at least a half an hour (in place of homework) doing something different.

Write a play with her for her dolls to act out and record it with your camera.

Watch Dora sitting in thrones you built and pretend to be royal letter counters and everytime she says something that starts with "D" ring a bell...the stranger the better (and if you tell me what she really loves I can help think of random ideas to tailor her).

Anyhow, use reading and writing only for the fun projects.

2. Start using "super speed" and "slow motion" around the house. You model this for her. When you are getting bowls out for breakfast turn your switch to one of the two and let her see you hurry around. Then half way through switch to slow motion. Walk sooooooooo sloooooooow and taaaaalk soooooo slowwwwwly. Do this for a week throughout the day. And then have a more serious conversation that there are times we need to use our different speeds. This way there is nothing "wrong" with daydreaming or moving slowly...help her understand that there are just times for doing the two.

3. When you start homework again, really get excited. Make a production out of starting again. Enjoy it - I even say do part of it because "you are just so excited about it you couldn't help it!"

Big Brother/Sister Envy

2007-12-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

When I hear a great idea I just have to share...

With baby number two you find yourself without the seconds, minutes, hours to just hold your infant and revel. Of course, there is the night, but the sleepiness sometimes overshadows the moments of quiet bliss.

Anyhow, you want to talk and love your little one, but with older ears listening in it sometimes creates more jealousy than before. So, this is what Lys-An does...she talks to her infant about the older sibling. In a sweet baby voice telling the infant what a wonderful runner her brother is, or how high he can jump. Of course, its the face time your infant treasures, and your older child gets the benefit of extra compliments and love. A win-win!

Love this idea, Lys - hope you don't mind me sharing!

Painting: Polynesian Woman with Children by Paul Gaugin

I Know My Telephone Number!

2007-11-30T17:06:00.000-08:00

Any ideas on how to help my kids memorize our home phone number and address?

I say a song - one you make up or know.

Does anyone but me remember the Safety Kids? If you click on Brite Music, then scroll down, you can hear a piece of the Telephone Song.

Here's my little guy singing a made-up number over and over...

Hugs and Kisses

2007-11-23T16:36:00.000-08:00

Stop.

Give your little ones

extra hugs

and kisses.

Take them by surprise,

wait until they are doing something

extra naughty,

and when they are

go and give them

a great big squeeze!

Tell them that you will always love them!

Isn't it nice to be taken by surprise!

Painting: Maternity by Pablo Picasso

Independent Walkers and Thinkers

2007-11-19T09:31:00.000-08:00

Or The Treacherous Target Toy Aisle

I have a 17 month old boy. He likes to walk with me instead of being carried or being in a stroller, etc. He doesn't run away from me or anything, he just wants to do his own thing. I take my time with him and let him look, stop and do something but when I tell him to come, he never does unless I come take his arm (which usually results in the limp body trick).Are there any ways to help him obey my directions or is it too early to expect that???

It sounds like you've got a bright and independent little one! From the little bit you said, I would guess that obeying directions isn't really his style (yet). I think that you may have to help him decide that you want the same thing. Inspire his decision, make him believe that he decided it.

Example: Going to Target can be the longest experience of my life because the seven toy aisles take an hour to browse. But, if instead of saying, "Its time to go to the next aisle," I try something like feigning enthusiasm, runninh down the aisle exclaiming, "Look! Diego toys! Oh, wow, oh, look over here - Dora! I see Dora down here! Oh, look, this next aisle has even more toys! Come push this button, you've got to see what this Scoop can do!" Doing it this way we can get through the treacherous Target toy aisle in ten minutes! I set the tone and they were none the wiser.

So, I would suggest you lean down and whisper in his ear (almost like a secret) what you want him to do. Here are some words to try: "I just remembered there is a red fire truck in the car - I wonder where the car is?" OR "I see a big yellow bus over there - I wish I could see it" (the bus or other vehicle would be closer to your destination) OR "What is that over there? I wish I knew?"

Of course, I would start introducing the idea of following directions. Pick one or two things that are really important and just don't budge. So, if he wants to walk then be sure that when you come to a street you explain that he needs to hold your hand you you need to hold him. Give him to options and then if he doesn't choose, you choose. And just stick with it. It doesn't matter if the street is empty - its about principle. So, pick a few things (few being the key word) and don't budge. It will help him as he gets older to know that when you say something you really mean it!

Good luck!

Painting: Garden at Vétheuil by Claude Monet

Becoming a New Mom

2007-11-15T14:13:00.000-08:00

Originally Posted 7/3/07

I'd love any advice on surviving (& enjoying) the first months after your first baby is born. Any tips, thoughts, suggestions that you wish you had known before diving into motherhood? Everyone says to "enjoy your sleep now" and "go to the movies with your husband", but what about the day to day reality of having a new little person in your life?

First, its so wonderful. There is really something remarkable about babies.

But, in truth, there is also a lot of awkwardness as well. And knowing about the awkward, less than marvelous moments help prepare you for the truth of it all. So, in the name of truth...here are things I wish I knew.

1. Newborns take forever to eat. So literally, out of three hours, babies nurse an hour of that. A third of your entire day is nursing (or bottle feeding). And its really awkward and painful at first. So just hang in there. Did I mention its painful - I would say far worse than birth - but it often gets over looked!

2. You have to wear a bra 24 hours a day. Especially at first, your body produces a lot of milk, and if you don't want to wake up soaking wet - you wear a bra to bed (with your Lansinoh disposable breast pads - hands down the best). So be sure to buy at least one nursing bra without an under wire.

3. You will be doing laundry every moment of every day. I swear - babies spit up on every piece of available cloth - and you! - so keep the extra blankets from the showers - they will come in handy! And be prepared to change clothes a lot - its not the baby clothes that fill up the washer - it will be your clothes.

4. Those mean doctors - literally they will cut a slice out of your baby's foot (heal to be precise). Apparently little finger pricks aren't enough. About a week after your baby is born - there is one blood test that literally starts with a slice. I was so shocked - I wish I would have known. (Oh, and I really liked my doctor - just not the 4cm heal slice.)

5. You cannot hold your newborn too much. I remember feeling worried I was starting off spoiling my child with all the family attention - and then I would literally hold him through most of his naps to help him sleep. But, don't worry, you can't even dream of spoiling them until they are six months old. Just help them feel secure! Its ok, hold them as much as you want.

6. It's so busy. The first few weeks you will really wonder how to do it all. So, keep expectations of yourself really low. Making dinner was really too much for me in the beginning...so don't feel like a failure. Give yourself two months to do nothing but get accustomed to the new routine.

7. It's so slow. That just sounds awful. But, after you get the routine of it all, you find yourself with extra time. Babies just sleep a lot. I loved to read with the extra time - but if you don't - plan projects for yourself. Things in the house. Buy some cook books - and think about trying out new recipes. Start a journal. Plan a trip. Just know that you will have a lot of down time.

8. Baby gear - there is so much and its hard to know what is important. Maybe people can expand on the gear topic...but I know that a changing table is surprisingly nice. Your back really starts to ache after using your bed so many times - its just at an awkward height. Oh, and I did really love my rocking chair - but be sure to get soft sides!

Painting: Mother and Child by Gustav Klimt

Computer Play

2007-11-12T16:45:00.000-08:00

No one told me about this type of thing when I had a little one...so in case you didn't know there are great keyboard-a-rama games. You know, when you push the "T" on the keyboard you Tickle Elmo on the screen. This is great for little fingers who can push one key at a time all the way up to kids who are learning their numbers.

Click Below to try...

Sesame Street Workshop

Fisher Price - Learn Your ABC's

Anyhow, there are a ton, if you have a great one you should share!

Picture: Flowers by Andy Warhol

Hansel and Gretel Style or How to Cure Clinginess

2007-11-07T22:19:00.000-08:00

My one year old is entering a really clingy phase. He used to play really well on his own, but now he follows me around and pulls on my pant legs and cries. He really just wants to be held or engaged. All. Day. Long. So is this a normal--and temporary--phase? Is there anything I can do? I'm not sure if I should ignore him (it doesn't seem to make him stop) or if I should indulge him. Any suggestions?

Normal. Totally Normal. But "normal" doesn't make it enjoyable.

I vote for something in between indulging and ignoring...

Remember when your baby would happily play with the remote like it was the greatest toy alive. It would genuinely consume him for an hour; or at least until he sat it down because he saw that the chair was near and he needed to experience that too. Well, I'm sorry to say, that those days are sadly more behind than ahead of you. Because your baby's memory is developing it isn't as interesting to play with the same toys all of the time. In fact, to play really well, he has to be really interested.

I'm all about "sorting and classifying" my toys. For example: the puppets, the playdough, the blocks, the cars, the Little People, the foam puzzles, etc. all have their own spot. And when its play time, I get down one thing. The puppets - for a one year old it would be just a five-ish minute play. And then (here's the key) I take it away before it gets boring. Then, give him the blocks and again, take it away while he's still wanting more. I know it takes some work - but the idea is to start stretching their play time. Its a learned (not innate ability) to sit and entertain yourself.

Ok, second part, you need to start creating some distance. Not all at once - because his memory is just learning that when you leave you might not come right back. So, you want to help him understand what happens when you exit the room. So, plop that fun toy down and hurry towards the exit to the room - but don't go out. Just watch him far enough away that he can still see you. Then, everyday scoot farther back. Literally, a big step at a time. And try and come back before he wants you. Try to switch the toys fast enough that he doesn't have time to get worried about the distance.

This may seem like a lot of juggling of toys and you - but if you work on it for two weeks consistently you'll start to see a change.

At one point, sit out of the room so that he can feel comfortable playing and just seeing a leg. And then, for awhile, be right outside or around a corner. So, that if he crawls to find you, you are right there. I'm not really big on hurrying to them when they cry because they are missing you -- because it sends the message that if "I cry she'll come faster." So I like to let him come to me...and then pretend that you barely notice his cry - just his presence.

Finally, I'd put a few extra awesome toys in his path. Hansel and Gretel style - but instead of bread crumbs leave out a kitchen pot or a set of measuring cups. A few things to slow him down will stretch the time he is away from you. Little by little, he'll trust that you aren't far if you aren't visible.

Sorry for the novel :)

Painting: Carnations by John Singer Sargent

"Boy and Girl Stuff"

2007-11-06T13:36:00.000-08:00

i have a darling 3 year old boy. he LOVES his blankie and could carry it around everywhere. but, we've limited it only to the house. for the last 8 or so months, he LOVEs wrapping his blanket around him like a "skirt". i thought this was cute at first but now, he does it ALL THE TIME. my question is...should i IGNORE this completely and try not to teach him about "boy" and "girl" stuff--is it destructive to label stuff for a girl or boy? i know this doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, but it really has started to bug me...what do you think i should do, if anything?!

First, I would say, don't really worry. Three is the time they really start to mirror their world. And you are his world. So, wearing a skirt doesn't mean anything to him. In fact, I would avoid saying things like, "skirts are for girls" because it only draws attention to it and he probably doesn't really understand the concept of girls vs. boys (sure he can point out girls and boys, but it doesn't mean what it means to us). So, he could be doing it out of exploration. ie. When I do this - mommy notices in a different way then when I finish a puzzle, hmmm.

Second, I want to validate how you feel. Its ok that you think about it a lot. And of course, you'll love him no matter what. You will just want to be careful about how you express your worries. So, I've tried to think of some solid ideas...I'm thinking that you could try being positive. For example, my little boy's favorite color was purple - purple, purple and more purple. And I would always say, "What a royal color" - because purple is indeed a royal color. So, when he wears it like a skirt you could say, "You look like a knight wearing a tunic - wow, you really make a great knight." Just think of all the kilt wearing men and tunic wearing kings, knights, peasants. Just express it the way you would like him to have it perceived.

Third, if its time to start making the blanket smaller, Kevin Henkes has a great book about a little boy named Owen who takes his blanket everywhere. Its a cute book where the mom ends up cutting the blanket into four smaller pieces so that he can take them everywhere. Its a cute idea, when the time is right. Its also an un-skirtable size if that's a solution that would work for you.

Fourth, really, don't worry! And don't label girl/boy stuff - they start doing it themselves at four or five anyhow.

Anyhow, good luck! Thanks for asking!

Painting: "Portrait of Artist's Son" by Järnefelt

Knights Templar Tapestry

You Brush My Teeth, I'll Brush Yours

2007-11-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

My sister is in town; aren't Aunties the best?! Anyhow, my boys aren't the most enthusiastic teeth brushers -- so I asked her to do it (hee, hee).

Anyhow, I walked in on my little ones brushing her teeth. She had done a swap -- what a genius idea. She did theirs first and they got to do her's as the reward.

Thought I would pass it along - so simple - but really great!

Fragment of a Tapestry or Wall Hanging, ca. 1420–1430German; Made in Basel, Upper Rhine ValleyTapestry weave: wool on linen; 33 7/16 x 29 1/2 in. (85 x 75 cm)The Cloisters Collection, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Plan Ahead

2007-10-31T21:01:00.000-07:00

About three months ago, I thought to myself, "I should have some Children's Benadryl at home just in case." And four days ago, when I had a little boy break out in head to toe hives I was so grateful. Its just one of those things - you never know how allergic your child will be and when something bad could happen. Anyhow, I was just glad and thought I would pass along a big sigh.

PS. Hives are white or red raised rashes that can be on any part of the body. Yuck - I hate them so.

Anyhow, if you have a good plan ahead medical suggestion, please share!

Painting: Slumber by William Bouguereau

Crib Escapees

2007-10-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

my toddler (under two) just learned how to scale his crib effortlessly. I feel it is too young for a big bed, especially since he has a hard time "resting". Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Annie, I just have to say, sorry...I have been soooo slow...trust me, its been a crazy month of strep throat and hives. You've probably solved your problem...

I know two people that love their tent for the crib - solved all their problems.

I haven't had a chance to use it - but I'm afraid to say that a big bed might be your best answer. Get a child proof handle for the inside of the bedroom - genius idea I saw a friend do. So, even if they aren't napping they can have some quiet time.

And you can click here to see some ways to transition.

Good luck!

The Best Trick I Know

2007-10-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should share the best parenting tool I ever learned. I can't even tell you where or when I discovered it, but it is probably the one thing that I use every day.

I'll call it - Giving Choices.

So, this is how it works. Instead of saying, "Come and eat!" I say, "Its time to eat, do you want to walk to the table or do you want me to carry you there?"

The first option is often met with a flat out - no. But, somehow using different words helps children cooperate - it gives them a choice.

Here are a few more examples...

Instead of, "Its time to come inside" (which seems so simple to say but kids never just do it) Try starting the same way, but add a choice..."Its time to come inside. Would you like to walk up the stairs all by yourself or do you want me to hold your hand?"

Instead of, "Its time to get out of the tub," try something like, "Would you like to take out the plug now or do you want me to?"

Instead of "Get dressed!" I say, "Its time to get dressed - do you want me to pick the clothes today or do you want to?"

Instead of "Pick up your toys!" I could say, "'Its time to pick up your toys; do you want to put them away fast or slow?" If the answer is fast you could set a timer.

Be sure to give two options you can live with - but it is really the best trick I know. Anyhow, whenever you are given a flat out - no - just rephrase. Try the option thing instead of reasoning.

When I was growing up there were some Saturdays my mom would ask us to either clean up our rooms or dance with her...so here's to dancing and having fun. Choices can be fun!

Painting: The Village Girl and The Imaginative Boy both by Robert Henri - who I love by the by

Books, Books, Books - Five

2007-10-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

Everytime I read a book to a non-reader, I take my magic finger and touch each word in the title. I don't do it for the whole book - but always the title and title page. Right now, my little two year old is starting to recognize a few letters. So, I'll also stop in the middle of the story and say as if though I have just found a pot of gold, "Look, I just found a "D" on this page" - letters are more fun when they are a part of a hide and seek game.

Tantrums While Babysitting

2007-10-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

My niece (who I will be watching for the next 8 days) is 2 and throws tantrums anytime they leave a "fun" place- friends houses, parks etc... Should I just ignore her and pick her up and put her in the car??? Advice???

Its hard when its not your child - because you aren't going to be able to make a permanent change - its more about coping.

I would suggest one simple plan. Anytime you go somewhere "fun" - before you get out of the car go over the plan and lay out your expectations. Here's a simple sample conversation:
"We are going to get out of the car and play at the park. But, when I say,'Time to Go' you need to say,'Okay'! Can you practice saying ok for me?"
"Okay!"
"Can you say it louder?"
"Okay!!"
"Wow, that was great. If you can say okay that loudly when I say, 'Time to go,' then you can have an Elmo sticker when we get back in the car."
When it is two minutes to departure, say something like...
"I am going to say, 'Time to Go' in two minutes and if you say Okay really loudly and get into the car with a happy smile then you can have your sticker!"
And then with one minute to go...
"I am going to say, 'Time to Go' in one minute and if you say Okay really loudly and get into the car with a happy smile then you can have your sticker!"
And then...
"It's Time to Go!"

I would get Elmo stickers, Princess stickers...something that they are into. You can even stretch the warnings to five minutes.

Anyhow, if it doesn't work, be prepared to scoop and go. And if there are still tears, when you get in the car remind her that she didn't get a sticker, but that if she can say Okay happily the next time, then she can have one. Don't over think it - but if you stick to your plan she will probably learn that you aren't someone who is going to give in. And you'll have a happier week in the end.

Good luck!

Picking

2007-10-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

What would be your advice on how to stop a 3 yr old from picking her lip? Audrey has developed this nervous habit and now has a continuous cycle of scabs and bleeding. She doesn't respond to discipline with it and even has run out of the room to pick while I'm not looking...

Whatever it takes. I would start by putting bandaids on each and every finger (that makes it harder to take off the others). Or putting gloves on her hands.

Anyhow, I am guessing that you solved the problem because I've been really slow in responding. So, let us know what worked for you!

Picture: The Calmady Children by Sir Thomas Lawrence

Biting

2007-10-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

I think I have a biter. Lucy is just 10 months and she leads with her mouth when she climbs on things. When she climbs on us, many times she bites us. Also, a few times when we've told her 'no' she'll turn to us and try to bite. Most of the time she doesn't realize she's doing it -like when she's climbing on us-but I'm constantly nervous because I've been bit so many times already?

So my main goal in anything to do with parenting - is to really communicate an idea. You want your children to learn because they understand. And its hard to get little ones to understand.

A silly, simple solution is to put her own arm in the way of her biting mouth. This is a way to help them understand the consequence. Saying, "Ouch," when nothing is hurting them doesn't really make a lot of sense. But, if they see that what they are doing isn't fun. Of course, there are some kids who seem to hurt themselves when they are angry - banging their heads, biting their arm...and if your child does this - then I wouldn't use this idea. Because they need to learn how to be kind to their bodies. Isn't it interesting how different we all are...

I also try to keep their mouth open and not let them bite at all. Pushing down on their lower teeth - and saying calmly, "Teeth are for biting food, not people."

What do you do?

Parenting Books

2007-09-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

In the previous post you mentioned there are not many child rearing books you like. What are the few you do suggest? Any books from tantrums, to potty training to activities...I need to read up and get prepared for toddlerhood and beyond!

Someone once had this same question - but I've never answered it here. Here's what I told her...

Most of my parenting ideas are my own silly theories; what I learn from talking to other parents and just experimenting with what works. I am fairly opinionated - but my strongest opinion is: there is not one right way to raise children because every child is so different. There's just not a best or a better.

Anyhow, having said that, people occasionally ask for a book recommendation. And the truth is I don't know - but I did read this one: The New First Three Years of Life by Burton L. White. And I have had more people ask for its name. Here's maybe why...
It suggests that the first three years are the most important of life (in all truth, I think that whatever age your child is "now" is the most important time but I like to read about how important the first few are because some days it doesn't feel that way)
It suggests that we not even worry about teaching or disciplining before a child is six months - just love them, love them!

It reminds us that at nine months children reach a happy plateau, they will play with one toy on and on, laugh and entertain themselves. But its important not to take advantage of this time; before they get bored and start fussing remembering to switch their toy or move them to another activity. The idea is to prevent the demand cry - by giving the most attention when they are happily playing - instead of when they are crying. One way I interpreted this: if my baby started crying in his crib I would casually enter the room - not even looking at him - as if though the sunlight brought me in - not the crying. Once I did "notice" I would try and cheer them up in the crib (ie. playing peek a boo) before I got them out. And the second their little frown cracked into I smile I swoop them up with a "What a happy boy!".

The author suggests that preventing the terrible two's and tantrums is possible (and personally, I think that terrible two's are nothing compared to terrible three's so I really heeded this advice). There are a lot of suggestions - but one main thing is really sticking to your word. If you say I'll play with you in a minute - do. And if you say no more cookies and you are in the grocery store and tears have started - still don't give the cookies.

That's the flavor - a lot of every book like this is some silliness - which toys are good and which ones aren't - its really more about what works for you and the child.

I have also been asked - what next - if they are already three - then what. Your Child's Self-Esteem is by Dorothy Corkille Briggs. This is an older book with no quick fixes because its more preventative - how helping your child with self-esteem will help them with life. Its a bit hard to read and a little slow but really worth while - in fact, I like the concepts better. It reminds us that the way we talk to our children really matters - the actual words, the tones, and how they perceive it. For example, instead of saying, "Good Boy!" as praise - be specific about what makes them good,"You are so good at listening!" If you know Cheryl, she kept it on her bedside while raising her children.

Books, Books, Books - Four

2007-09-11T16:19:00.000-07:00

Throw out the words for once. Don't read the story - invent a new one using the pictures. I would say follow a secondary character (for example the mouse in Goodnight Moon). Or if there is a toy that's in all of the pictures tell the story from the toy's point of view.

Why? Well, it mixes it up (I get so tired of some stories) AND it makes the books more three dementional.

Tantrums

2007-09-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

Please help. My 10 month-old has begun throwing serious fits. He screams at the top of his lungs. He normally does it when he wakes up in the morning or when I am trying to get him to take his bottles. Do you have any suggestions?

I don't have many child rearing books I am a fan of...but The New First Three Years is really excellent. It suggests that the first three years are the most important of life (in all truth, I think that whatever age your child is "now" is the most important time but I like to read about how important the first few are because some days it doesn't feel that way).

One main idea is to prevent the demand cry - by giving the most attention when they are happily playing - instead of when they are crying. One way I interpreted this: if my baby started crying in his crib I would casually enter the room - not even looking at him - as if though the sunlight brought me in - not the crying. Once I did "notice" I would try and cheer them up in the crib (ie. playing peek a boo) before I got them out. And the second their little frown cracked into I smile I swoop them up with a "What a happy boy!"

Now here's the shocker...the author suggests that preventing the terrible two's and tantrums is possible (and personally, I think that if terrible two's are nothing compared to terrible three's if you haven't figured it out). There are a lot of suggestions - but one main thing is really sticking to your word. If you say I'll play with you in a minute - do. And if you say no more cookies and you are in the grocery store and tears have started - still don't get the cookies. Stick to your word - no matter what!

Here's the stinky thing, little ones will throw little tantrums - and its best to let it run its course - in other words ignore, ignore, ignore. I know that one of the best tools is to distract a fussy kid but I wouldn't use it here. Once a tantrum begins just walk away. You could try distract them a few minutes later by going into their bedroom and starting to play with their toys without them...have a lot of fun, "Mr. Garbage Truck can you smash all this garbage - crunch, munch," & other various boy noises that are untypeable.

But if it always is at the same time, I would try switching up the bottle time. Get the bottle out in a different place. Sit on the ground instead of the couch...it sounds like it could be habitual - so you just need to change the routine enough that it feels new.

That's just a start...good luck! Stay patient (that's the hardest part!) And I am sorry I am slow in publishing this - I thought I already had - so if you've already figured out a solution you'll have to let us know what worked!

Painting: Mother and Child by Raphael

Guest Blogger - Kyndra

2007-09-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

Someone asked a question about baby gear. And I'm afraid that's where my expertise ends. So, I've done the best thing I can think of...ask Kyndra. I met Kyndra the first day I moved to Manhattan. And she has always been the kind of friend that knows - the good chocolate places, the great restaurants, the places to go and see and do. And let me tell you, she is a researcher. I remember when she was looking at strollers - she wasn't satisfied until she has searched every option (state side and abroad). She asks around - she tries them out. So, thank you so much gear gal for doing your homework so we can benefit!

I would very much be interested in hearing more on the gear subject. What really worked for everyone??

(see below for her answer)

Carriers by Kyndra

2007-09-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

I remember seeing some people carrying their babies on their chests in a baby carrier and thinking, "That is so weird." When my brother's wife strapped their baby to his chest in a Snugli when we went to the mall one day together, my brother turned to me and said, "This is so embarrassing" and I must admit I was embarrassed to be seen with him because it seemed so ridiculous to be carrying a baby around on your chest. It just seemed so "earthy" and "primitive," and even unclassy to me at the time. And then I moved to New York and had a baby...

I have two children now and I swear by the importance of baby carriers. I think I didn’t put my second baby in a stroller more than 3 times before the age of 5 months. I carried him everywhere, and I still carry him 90% of the time now that he is 7 months old. I am a big fan of carriers because I believe they reduce fussiness, allow you to bond with your baby, help you to run errands with greater convenience, keep your baby safer, let your baby sleep better than in the stroller when you need to be on the go, and with a carrier you don’t need a double stroller just because you have two kids. Let me take you through my journey in baby carriers and also what I have come across in the land of mommies.

The Baby Bjorn My first Bjorn didn’t have a lumbar support and my back always hurt when I used it. I then upgraded to one with a lumbar support and it was better, but still not perfect with my baby as she got heavier and heavier. I would suggest not buying a Bjorn that doesn’t have the lumbar support because you’ll eventually wish you had it. There are other brands of carriers similar to the Bjorn style (Snugli for example) but everyone I have known with those brands covets the Bjorn’s comfort and ease. The Bjorn is great for younger babies (beginning with 8 pounds). They face inward to you and just fall asleep for hours – HOURS! When they can hold up their heads they can face outward and check out their world. It’s fun to hear the baby giggle and be excited about everything, and people on the streets love to see your baby’s face. I found that around 20 pounds my back couldn’t handle the weight of the baby anymore (even though it is safe up to 25 pounds), so that is when I packed my Bjorn away.

My second carrier was the Kelty Tour. I had a few friends suggest this so I gave it a try. I liked that my daughter was high up and looking at the world, but I didn’t find this convenient. I didn’t like that I couldn’t carry other things with me when I had her in this. It was bulky, uncomfortable, hit people on the subways, and didn’t give me the full freedom I was looking for. I also felt like I needed to go get a massage after wearing it for more than an hour. So I donated this to a church yard sale and was done with it. Some people like this though, but I won’t recommend it after finding something better…

One day my life changed. My friend told me about the Ergo Baby Carrier. I immediately looked up their website and purchased the carrier. I think I found heaven when I found this carrier. Life has never been the same. This carrier was different than the others. Whereas the others had my baby hanging by the crotch and pulling straps on my shoulders, this had my daughter in an actual sitting position around my waist, which then distributed the weight to my hips – NOT my shoulders! I could also wear her on my back (for hiking), my hip (for times I wanted to talk to her and be about walking), or my front (which is easiest for everyday errands so I can still wear a backpack and sit with her on the subway). Also, this carrier holds up to 40 pounds! I like that this carrier has pockets on the front big enough for my wallet, subway card, and 2-3 diapers and wipes! I was a free woman! I carried my 32 pound daughter on a 7 mile hike through hills and trails with this and never was sore or tired of carrying her. I love taking this traveling because I carry my baby in it through the airport, then fold it up in the overhead bin. This carrier has a head support that comes up and snaps behind your neck when the baby is in front, and snaps in some loops on the straps if the baby is in back. This is used when the baby sleeps and you don’t want their head bobbing around everywhere. The Ergo is good for babies beginning at 4-6 months. Before that you need an infant insert that lays them in sling-style in the carrier. I used the infant insert sometimes with my baby, but because I had a Bjorn I usually used that instead because it is more convenient when dealing with a newborn. However, if I were to only get one carrier, it would be the Ergo (or Beco below) with the infant insert.

A carrier extremely similar to the Ergo is the Beco Baby Carrier. From what I understand from others, it is almost identical in function to the Ergo, but the difference is that the head support is higher up so you don’t need the head support like the Ergo has. I do like the Ergo head support because it provides shade for the sleeping baby’s head, but with the Beco you can purchase a solar veil hood too. I also can’t tell, but from the information about it, I don’t think the Beco’s pocket in the front is as roomy as the Ergo, but I really don’t know for sure. The fact that there is a pocket is still wonderful since most carriers don’t have one. I must say that there is quite a cute range of prints that the Beco comes in so it is very hip and stylish, but here is something to remember when picking your print: no self respecting husband is going to wear a girly flower print baby carrier, so pick one you know your husband will be willing to don! Also, the Beco has an infant insert just like the Ergo for newborns.

Another option in baby carriers is the sling. There are so many slings on the market, and almost all of them are similar in design and everyone seems to be happy with their slings, so I don’t think there is any ONE I can recommend. Check out Baby Center’s website with reviews about slings (and other products!) and just decide on the one you think is cutest and has a pocket for your keys, phone and wallet essentials. The sling is good for the first 3-5 months and then you will probably want to switch to a more substantial carrier when the baby is heavier and can wiggle around more.

I hope this helps! I love baby carriers and think it is a shame that the stroller market has taken away from the bonding time a mother and baby could be having. There is a time and a place for strollers, but for me, option one is always the carrier. Does that make me “earthy?”

Hitting

2007-09-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

my 11-month-old hits. he's done it since he was little, but mostly when he was excited and couldn't control his arms. well, now he can (control his arms) and he still hits. but it's not when he's excited anymore. when he's mad or frustrated, he smacks us. the worst is that he hits my older son (3). i put him down on the floor and tell him in a firm voice "we don't hit" and walk away. it makes him cry but it's the only thing i can think of...only it doesn't work. any suggestions?

Hitting...I remember thinking that I would need to worry about hitting from my toddler - but nope, you are right, it's the baby who is wildly hitting that seems harder to teach.

Take a step back and work on the problem from a new angle (I think the angle you are working is perfect). Here are just a few more thoughts...

Try. Talk to the three year old. You will want to make sure that no matter how many times he is hit, that he won't start hitting back (because an older child just hits harder). So, I like to think of it as suring up the foundation. Ask him, "What should we do when baby hits?" or laugh with him "Baby just hit me...I think he doesn't know how to use his arms yet. They swing so wild - its like he's a windmill (do the windmill action)." Help him laugh at the baby's actions - its so much easier to deal with things when we don't feel attacked. This way you can have a meaningful look with him, when he does get hit.

Maybe. Sometimes giving his hands something else to do - when babies are first learning that hitting motion - I like to direct it into a clap. Something you can do constructively. But, he may have passed the stage that this is helpful.

Something else. Give him a box or drum to bang on. When he feels like swinging calmly remind him that hands aren't for hitting, but for playing drums or giving hugs. Really give him a lot of attention while he is hitting the drum.

Perhaps. This is my person plan with babies. I would scoop up your three year old and without a second thought leave the room and as you walk away calmly say "We can't play with Sam when he is hitting." Sometimes the best punishment is taking yourself away.

Also. I think modeling is so helpful. If he hits and causes tears - have him look at your crying son and say, "Hitting makes John feel so sad." Then help him use his arms to be soft on your arm. "Being soft makes Mommy so happy."

There's a start, what else works for hitting?

Painting: A Chinese Baby by Mary McMullin

Books, Books, Books - Three

2007-09-04T16:25:00.001-07:00

When you have an itty bitty, non-crawler at home there seems to be a lot of time for staring. You stare at the baby, the baby stares back -- there's a lot of it. So, one of my favorite things to do was to prop my baby on his tummy and prop books all around them. You know - turn the baby blanket into a museum of Sandra Boynton, Spot, and Maisy illustrations. And as they stare at the colors and characters you will find they have favorites at such an early age. And I always tend to fill my library with the favorites!

New People and Places

2007-08-31T15:43:00.000-07:00

I'm a little worried about the way that my 3 year old interacts with other kids and unfamiliar situations. For example, she will not play at the playground unless she has a friend there that she already knows well. She seems so anti-social around people she doesn't know, yet is one of the most social and friendly kids amongst her friends. Is there anything I can do to help the situation, or will she just grow out of it?

Making friends is hard - I mean I'm a lot older than 3 and its hard for me. It seems to take a year in a new city before I feel like I have a good friend...so I can only imagine how hard it is for little ones.

So, in a word she'll grow out of it - but I think its more like, she'll learn out of it. She just needs to the tools and actions for new situations and people.

Here's a few ideas...

1. Prepare her. As you walk to the park have start the conversation. But, not just saying there are new kids, I would try saying that you invited new kids to the park. Make her feel like you are in control..."We are going to the park and I invited a lot of friends to the park. But, they are just learning how to play in the sand. As soon as we park the stroller. Will you jump out and start playing in the sand to show the other kids how to do it..." Just like grown-ups, sometimes its easier to think about someone else rather than ourselves, its just less stressful somehow. It also helps to spell out a specific action.

2. Tell a story. On the way to the park, tell a story about the time you were on a tire swing and didn't know one of the girls. Tell her how it made you giggle and made you want to swing hirer.

3. Give her an extra security. If she is willing to talk about the fear you could help appease it by giving her a special friend. You know, if she has a little plastic Elmo or Dora, have her put her friend (aka toy) in her pocket. Its an Indian in the Cupboard inspired idea, but sometimes it helps to know that you aren't alone.

4. Help her feel like the star. It doesn't matter where or when, it seems to help kids if they feel like they are the central figure. So, when you get to the park, remind her "Wow, all of these kids came here today - I bet they were hoping they could see you!" Or to a class "I bet they were waiting to start for you." Basically, help them feel like they are needed!

5. Be her ambassador. The next few times you go to the park, pretend like you are her playmate. And follow her around making friends and talking to the little kids. And say to the new little girl, "Do you like Dora? I like Dora, too! Look at my pink socks." Really, just model the conversation of a three year old for her. If you pretend to get excited and then talk about it on the way home, your job may just be done! Of course, just try the following around thing for a few times - because who are we kidding - we want the park to be a break, not a new challenge!

6. Routine. And in the end, even if little words and conversations don't make huge changes (although they could) repetition is the best. Make an effort to go where its most challenging a lot and frequently - because they will figure it out!

What do you think of these ideas? Hopefully they are the easy-to-try kind!

Painting: Hands Holding Bouquet by Pablo Picasso

Nursing & Spit Ups

2007-08-30T21:52:00.000-07:00

My darling son is 14 weeks old and he's been breastfeeding exclusively...I want to continue to breastfeed him but with his "every-three-hour" feedings, he seems to still act hungry BUT he seems to spit up SO MUCH OF HIS FEED! How do I know when to feed him less often?

If you've been feeding him every three hours already - I can say with much assurance that he will not eat less often until he starts solids (4-6 months is the average start of rice cereal, of course, just set a plan with your doctor). And even then, there is still food or drink every three hours.

But, there are a few things you can do if a baby is spitting up a lot. So, start the experimenting...

1. Burping. A pre-burp and a during burp added to the final burp can help. Bubbles make a tummy no fun for keeping food down. So, try doing more burping - and try different methods. The pat on the back seems the most common, but was always least effective. I am a fan of a firm rub from the lower back up. I also like putting them on their tummy on my lap and patting or doing the firm rub in that position (of course, if your baby is prone to a lot of spitting up, keeping them upright is helpful).

2. Diet. I know no one wants to hear it, but chocolate and caffeine can really effect your milk. So, if you try eliminating different foods and see how they do 6-12 hours later, you can sometimes draw correlations. Try a totally bland day of carbs to start and if you notice a difference in the amount of spit up, you'll know that your baby cares. I hope for your sake, that chocolate and spicy foods are 100% A OK!

3. Feed them less. So, you'll still need to feed them every three hours, but try feeding them one minute less than they normally eat. It makes sense that as they get older they get better and better at nursing. So, it should take less and less time. I found that eliminating just a few minutes significantly made a change in the amount of spit up.

That's a start--I hope it helps!

Painting: Baby John Being Nursed by Mary Cassatt

Books, Books, Books - Two

2007-08-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

For a crawling baby, I like to leave a trail of books when I leave the room. If you prop them up on your favorite page every few feet, it stalls them as they stop to knock them over and occasionally they even look at the illustrations. It seems to be a great way to also help them ease away from you and start developing independent play. So, many babies start to get nervous when you leave the room, but a book trail is a happy marriage of literature and distraction.

Biting

2007-08-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

My son has a friend (both are almost 2 1/2 years old) who has bitten him twice. It doesn't seem like his mom does anything for a consequence beside maybe a short "timeout". Should I say anything? How do you handle this type of situation? I am really at a loss!

One of the worst moments was when my child was bitten in the cheek - such a deep bite that he had bruises for several weeks where each of the teeth connected. It's the worst. So, I know. I know. But sometimes being bitten can turn a child into a biter - monkey see, monkey do. So, here's both sides of the coin...

To the bitten: I would say, the next few playdates, never leave your son's side. See what's triggering the biting and you stop him before it happens. If it happens more than once you can always use this phrase, "I think us being here is hard on Ben, so we'll play again another time." Of course you will be thinking something different, but by leaving right after it happens, it sends the message to the child -- friends go when I bite.

I would also talk to the mom, in a non confrontational way. Try one of these questions "What's the best way to help a child stop biting, I'm worried about it with my child." -- sometimes asking the person with the problem for advice helps bring it to their attention - its also nice to feel like we are in this together instead of finger pointing. OR "You'll never believe but my child keeps being bitten (you don't have to mention its only their child doing the biting) he's turning into a pin cushion for teeth. You'll have to help me watch him - do you think its because he doesn't know how to play with other children?" Again, bringing it to the attention and asking them to help look will help them catch their child faster and hopefully prevent it.

But, in the end, if its too much, you can just postpone playdates for awhile. Biting is usually a phase that will go away. But, never be afraid to talk about it. I think the more practice we get with situations like this will help us one day when our then teenager crashes the neighbors car.

To the biter: Make sure that you don't just send your child to timeout - if a bite has happened - help them see the pain or tears they caused. Really help them see the consequence of how sad they make someone. Do it quickly, firmly, and then give all your attention to the child who was bitten. You don't want to reward the child inadvertently by giving them too much attention. A lot of bad patterns can be changed quickly, but I have never found a quick solution. It takes a couple weeks of constantly reminding the child not to bite (because they are so little it takes repetition and constant vigilance to make it stick).

You can also try pushing their lower teeth down if you catch them in the act.

Good luck!

Painting: The Weeders by Jules Breton

Toy Rotation

2007-08-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

What is your method of toy rotation that I have heard you mention?

Toy rotation is basically like always having new toys. I really do it in two degrees...

First degree: Its nice to have the playdough, the train, the blocks, the little people, the puppets, in separate closets (or at least up high enough that the kids can't get them). Then, to fill the hours of the day - you can get down different activities - for some reason, closet toys are just more exciting.

Second degree: This is more serious - and permanent. I divided my toys in half and put half of them in those big clear tupperware boxes - even the good and bigger things - the cash register, the little people farm and zoo, etc. And then, on a rainy day or a boring day, I get a box down. I take off the lid and let my little ones at it - and it usually fills two hours - simply playing and rotating. They play so happily with new toys.

A possible third degree: I never did this on a big scale - but I still have aspirations. Trading toys with a friend - just because new toys are so much fun. You would have to work out how long - I would say a minimum month.

Painting: The Orange Gatherers by John William Waterhouse

Books, Books, Books - One

2007-08-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

So, I feel like everyone agrees that getting kids to read, and to love reading, is a valued goal. So, I am going to do occasional reading ideas - you know - something to augment what you already do with your books. Something to get excited about, one at a time. Here's the first...

Use your books as backdrops - literally prop open the book. And then use the little people or dolls or puppets and have them act in front of the book. So, if your little people can visit to the dump if you are reading I Stink or pretend to borrow earrings to wear from Fancy Nancy. Sometimes a book is most fun when it doesn't even feel like a book - its better, because its a place!

Back to School

2007-08-20T20:34:00.000-07:00

If you have a young child who thinks about everything: worrying and planning - or if they are new to school in kindergarten or just a new district - then be sure to help them prepare. Here are a few ideas...

One way is to take the big wheels to campus and let them ride around and around to become familar with the new place.

Test out the playground with them.

Pack a few practice lunches - just so they get in the habit the week before.

Make sure they know their address and phone number!

Painting: Mother and Child by George Romney

Saying Goodbye

2007-08-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

How do you leave a friend's house (or other fun place) without tears?

Time to leave the park, or a friend's house, or anything fun can sometimes be tricky. Here are a few suggestions other than the five minute warning (which is the great standard and works perfectly for some children)...

1. Say Goodbye - pick them up say, "It's time to say goodbye to the sand." Then tell them to say, "Goodbye sand" and then you say, "Goodbye sand" and quickly start looking around the park saying goodbye to literally, everything! Goodbye slide, fence, pink sand bucket, swings, Lindsay, Jose, the leaves...the longer the list the better - because saying goodbye becomes the game. And then when they are already in your arms, its easier to get them into their carseat or stroller.

2. Practice Makes Perfect - when you give them the five minute warning, also give them an expectation ie. "We are going to leave in five minutes, when I say, 'Its time to leave' I want you to say, 'Okay, mom!' Will you practice saying it one time for me right now." For some reason if they have said "OK" already - it is so much easier. And they actually understand the expectation. And its great, when your child says, "OK" so cheerfully - you almost forget you just asked them to!

3. Whisper - You can apply this to both the above or try it on its own. It always seems better to ask in a whisper - for some reason it resonated more clearly - the contrast against the loud friend's house or park. They can actually hear it - when the problem can be they are so busy they don't hear.

4. Back Door - Ok, so sometimes you need to plan a get away, a back door approach, if you will. Bring something special in the car or stroller they don't know about - a toy they haven't played with for awhile. A treat, something that means something of great import. Then, instead of saying goodbye or saying that its time to go, tell them that its time to start something new - time to go play with the new Dora toy or whatever. So, this is a little bit of linguistics and a lot of planning ahead. But, if its really hard it might be worth it.

5. Paci/Blankey - I say use these things to your advantage when they are young. Its a bit of the same as above - but basically don't let them have their pacifier or blanket until its time to go. And use the words, "Its time to go check on Pacifier" - and you say the goodbyes.

What else works?

Painting: Considering a Swim by Lindsay Dawson

my philosophy

2007-08-10T23:51:00.000-07:00

so here it is...there isn't a right way. there isn't a best way. there isn't an i'm better you are worse way. if every child is unique (which they are) and every mother is unique (which they are) then there are a unique combinations of mother + child. which really means, to me, that the way you parent should be determined by what works for both the mother and child. so, switch it up as you go, as you learn, and as your children are so different.

Pacifier Pains

2007-08-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

Angie, My son is 13 months old and still needs a pacifier to fall asleep. People are telling me it is too long to let him use it. I like it because it is an easy way to get him to sleep- I put him in his crib, give him his blanket and pacifier and walk away. I'm worried about weaning him, what do I replace it with? Is there ANY alternative to just taking it away and hearing him cry and cry for it??? Is there any problem with letting him keep it for another year or so? I'm ok with that because he doesn't have it in public, it stays in his crib. What are your ideas?

AND

Ang--me too. I've got a 2.7 year old that uses one to fall asleep for naps and at night only. And getting him to go to sleep is a piece of cake--as long as Paci is present. Paci has been such a good little helper for us, but it's definitely time to say goodbye come December. Any helps for a non-cry-it-out subscriber?

This is obviously one of the big ones. Lots of people care - and it isn't easy. Let me first say, that these two ages present two different situations. And for a baby 13 months old - there is a good chance that if you take away the paci too early he will replace it with a thumb or finger (and lets face it - that's waaay harder). Some children need to suck more than others - so if you are ready then keep reading - and if not, there really is no rush. Gum tension and all of that will pull the teeth back - I've witnessed it - some kids just have crooked teeth regardless. Do it when you are ready. And for me it was around 3 for one of my children - I had different expectations before children and then I got realistic.

But, to help the process - before you start I would definitely try and narrow the paci time to nap and bedtime. So, if your child has it in the car and grocery store - start weaning them slowly. Just pick one place at a time - and STICK TO IT! If you give in early, you'll help teach them that crying will solve it - so once you are ready, don't turn back!

So, I'll start with the crazy (i mean creative) idea first...poke a hole in the paci. A big enough hole so that it is hard to suck - and this could be enough for some kids - paci is broken (and 2nd paci and 3rd paci all at the same time). Give them the option to sleep with it or throw it away. If they throw it away - be sure to empty the garbage can because they will be back - help them watch the garbage truck take it far away.

Ok, that was ideally, but chances are they will want to keep it. So, here it is -- every three days cut the tip of the pacifier. Eventually, after a few weeks of cutting more and more off the tip, the pacifier will be down to a stub. Eventually, there will be nothing to suck - an unsuckable paci. But, it isn't because you took it away - that's the part that's nice. You aren't the bad guy. "Paci is broken - its getting so old..." and then "Lets do playdough!" - I really wouldn't indulge a lot of pacifier talk, because its really about an addiction and talking brings it to attention. And helping them keep their hands busy is one of the best things you can do.

So, if you don't want to do something that off the wall...

You could talk about it being time to get rid of paci for a solid week - and the conversation could be about where he wants to travel - should paci go sailing to Australia? or perhaps on a shuttle to the moon? or to go fight fires on a fire truck? Let your child help decide where he should go. Then build a rocket ship and have paci and the rocket disappear by morning...or take him to the fire station to give it to a fireman...this is perfect for kids that get into adventure. And then you can always say, "Paci is fighting fires - he wants to be here, but he is helping the firemen."

The next time you loose it, don't buy it again. And help them fall asleep by holding their hand. It will take at least three nights that are really hard. They will ask about it - so sing them to sleep and just be with them. Don't take it away and then hope they will figure it out (even though they surely could it would just involve more tears - because the truth is there will be some tears either way - its really a hard transition). A really hard part it is that the paci is part of their behavior and routine of falling asleep. So, as the parent you get to help them learn that they can fall asleep on their own. If they have a blanket help them stroke the bridge of their nose with it. Give them a new behavior and just sleep with them if you don't want to cry it out.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes - and be sure to share your wise advise or even woes.

Painting: Water Lilies by Claude Monet - because face it, you need something soothing when you talk about this stuff...

Power of Placebo

2007-08-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

A little boy would not go to sleep because his hand was hurting and a wise Grandpa warmed up a special something...he told the young boy to carefully drink the prepared drink. He warned the child that this drink would help his hand heal and that it would probably even cause him to fall asleep extra quickly. He told him to drink it slowly - it might not taste familiar. The drink worked. The boy felt calm and sleepy and his worries faded.

The drink was warm water and a little guava juice that had been in the fridge. And it worked because it really wasn't about a sickness or a pain - worries are sometimes the hardest to appease. Thank goodness for a simple placebo in a pinch.

Painting: Tea by James Jacques Joseph Tissot

Red, Red, Red

2007-08-06T23:21:00.000-07:00

Someone recently asked about creative ideas - here's another one. I did this awhile ago - but I repeat it with different colors, different letters, and even shapes.
As the kick off to red week...

For breakfast we had strawberries and raspberries in milk.
For lunch we had red jello, apples, and jam sandwiches.
For dinner we had pizza with tomato sauce and tomatoes on top.
We played with red model magic.
We painted red mixed-medium masterpieces (red crayon, red chalk, red pencils and paint).
On our drive we shouted out every red thing we saw - red lights, stop signs, red Hummers, red signs, painted curbs, and the cherry on top - a blazing red fire truck.
As we read, we hunted for red on each page - a Where's Waldoish with the color red. You get the picture - its just a way to say the word "red," over and over until your little one really gets it - its easy and fairly preparation free.

Painting: Yellow, Red, Red by Mark Rothko

Fists Full of Hair

2007-08-04T22:08:00.000-07:00

My son is 9 months-old and he LOVES to pull hair. Is there anything I can do to teach him not to do it? I always feel really bad when he pulls others hair while they are holding him...

In my notice and experience - babies hands just love to grab and then stay in a fist. Its really what they are best at. So, with each new handful of hair you can say - wow, he is really getting good at that. What a talent...

Alright, that's not the answer you wanted - and I get it - but teaching a baby not to pull hair - that's a tough one.

But, I think it is avoidable. I've thought and thought - and here's my best solution. Before you let someone else hold him - you are going to have to fill his hands. Something small (not small enough to be a choking hazard) but enough to keep him interested and busy. So...those infant Tylenol bottles - the squeezy end - try that. Or a marker - you could even glue the lid on permanently if you were worried. But, if that's too Bob Dole, then you could try a rattle, or a string, or even a green bean.

Let us know if it works, and don't feel too bad. You can warn whoever you hand him too - but in all honesty - I kind of love a baby reaching up and grabbing my hair - so don't worry too much - because there are silly people like me out there!

Sketch: Leda by Leonardo DaVinci

Creative Play

2007-08-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

Do you have a book of ideas or something that you use to think creatively? I'm always trying to think of things outside the pool, park, bubbles, playdoh, reading time etc.

No. Not really. But, a long time ago (pre-kids) I asked every mother I knew to make a list of their favorite activities. Things they really did - specifics. I compiled it and sorted it by age group and inside/outside activities.

So, putting food coloring in a spray bottle and decorating the snow was perfect - at the time. But now I'm in California and the snow thing isn't really helpful. So I need to compile a new one (and you can to -- wherever you are). It was really fun to see what different people wrote ie...

giving all junk mail to the kids to play post office
playing "restaurant" and writing your kids order down for lunch
recording your voice (or Grandma's voice from far away) reading a story and letting them play it over and over
letting them use teaspoons to measure water and put it in a bigger bowl
drawing with glue and adding sand
doing pictures by tearing paper only

I always try to think of one idea (just one) to do tomorrow - right as I am falling to sleep. Its the last thing on my mind.

There are also some good books - I usually just read them when I'm at the book store and store away an idea or two. But The Toddler's Busy Book and others by Trish Kuffner I like. They just seem more doable, I mean who really turns a potato into a clock?!

Oh, and I love the Rainy Day Activity Jar I read about on the Stitching Barn - but you could just use it always!

Painting: The Blind Girl by Sir John Everett Millais

Pattern Trains

2007-07-31T22:07:00.000-07:00

What activities can I be doing with my daughter (she will be three in October) now that are fun and educational?

You know when kids enter the why, why, why phase or what, what, what phase...sometimes you want to ban questions. But, its really a gift because instead of simply giving an answer - you get to help them learn the process for finding answers. But, here's something they don't ask about, but it might be fun to introduce...

One more idea for educational play...Pattern Trains.

You know how kids are tested in school and all the way through their life on patterns. Somehow, someone important who makes tests thinks patterns are really important. Me, not so much. But, I wanted to try and help "break the code" of patterns. Ultimately, so that my child could start recognizing them early.

You know a lot of kids love trains - well I decided to call patterns - Pattern Trains. And building patterns was just a way of building a long train (except this train does not connect unless its a pattern).

So, the first time I bought Starbursts and did a simple every other pattern. It was more fun (because although we weren't eating the candy, playing with candy is fun). And we would make long red, yellow, red, yellow pattern trains. We would get more complicated with a red, yellow, pink, red, yellow, pink. And I would say something like "Red, yellow, pink, red, yellow, p-p-p- what comes next?"

Somehow thinking of patterns as trains helped unlock the code for my child (and me a little bit too). Anyhow, then we used those colored cotton balls, and kept expanding. We would build a pattern train with toys...lego, teddy bear, lego, teddy bear (the lego being our "connector") trust me - connectors are important to kids. It helped!

Painting: Red Cross Train Passing a Village by Gino Severini

Giving Babies Limits

2007-07-30T20:42:00.000-07:00

How do you teach a little one-about 8 months old-how to stay away from things like wires? I want my little one to be able to go where she wants in the house, but of course she's drawn to things she shouldn't have-like all of the wires under the computer. And I want her to learn that there are somethings that shouldn't be played with, even if they look like fun. Is there anyway to teach her to leave these things alone? Or should I just succumb and completely baby proof the entire house? Now that she's mobile, she doesn't even play with her toys-she only wants to climb and crawl to things she shouldn't.

Yes, baby proof. But, I think that after 6 months, a crawling baby is the perfect time to start developing limits - I hate the idea of rules so young. But just think of them as limits, not rules or mandates. They seem to have an easier time if there are limits from the beginning - not many, but a few.

The fireplace seems to draw babies - and it just isn't safe. So, after I did this first idea for about a week - I never had a problem. My baby would crawl on by after I did this...

The first idea - make a loud sound. Right as they are about to touch the fireplace - a "honk" or a duck-sounding, loudish "aaa!" A loud - but short sound. I know that kids aren't animals - but the simple Pavlovian method of doing something unpleasant helps them associate surprising sound with touching the fireplace. They are so little, that they learn pretty quickly. Does that make sense?

The second idea - 20 seconds of holding their arms still. So, right after they have gotten to the fireplace you (instead of saying no - or saying anything) just go to their side and looking away, you hold their arms still at their side. After they realize they are stuck, count to 20 (it will make them a bit frustrated) then calmly say, if you touch the fireplace, you can't use your arms. Short. Sweet. And again they associate something they would rather not with an unpleasant moment. This idea comes from The New First Three Years.

I would only do one at a time and see which one your baby responds to. Good luck!

If anyone has another idea, please share!

Painting: The Delphic Sibyl by Michelangelo detail from the Sistine Chapel

TV Time - Yea or Nay?

2007-07-27T22:21:00.000-07:00

What do you think of videos? I was strictly opposed before, but my child LOVES them! My mom lets her watch Dora or Elmo in the car and she gets so excited and starts singing along and doing the moves. I wonder if maybe she learns more or just as much from the video as from playing with a toy. Obviously, time interacting with me or another human is better than the video, but do you think the video is a bad idea categorically? Thanks.

When I wake up and feel sick - the kind of sick where I know I'll be stuck in bed all day - I feel so grateful for videos. I am grateful that there is such good programming, enough to fill an entire day and more. Seriously, your child may just be the next baby Einstein after all that they learn.

And the studies I know prove that a child watching television is very different than adults - it is so interactive. They have to shout "Para!" or jump up and down or help find those Blue's Clues. And the interaction makes it very different for children than adults.

Having said that, I don't think its really about the quality or even how much joy they find. I really think its more about their behavior and yours. And what I mean is, do your kids watch tv or movies out of habit or out of novelty? Do you use the video as a tool or a crutch?

I remember forever ago, I had moved and found myself without cable - there wasn't a single channel I could find, even using bunny ears. And for one solid week I would walk around and wonder what to do - especially in the evening. I would turn the tv on and off - out of habit - clearly nothing would be on. I would think about shows and count down until my cable returned. And by about day two I realized how addictive it can be - how my behavior had changed - I didn't have a system for living without a tv - and I had turned into a pacing tiger waiting instead of living.

But of course, my kids watch movies and tv. We love Backyardigans, Elmo, Cars. But, I try not to let it become a significant part of the day - and make sure there are days we don't do it at all - because there is a lot of fun to be had - and its nice to know we still can fill our day with play. Our imaginations and play world is just as fun. We aren't in a rut.

If you try having a "no tv day" and it is really painful - it can really get you thinking. Does your child ask for movies over and over when they are bored instead of asking for playdough over and over? Are you finding yourself without things to do or without new ideas? I think a day off is a great measure! If its no problem - then all the better!

Anyhow, keep watching, and thank goodness on regular days, sick days, and especially those "no good, terrible" days that we have such a great tool.

Crib to Bed Transition

2007-07-23T08:43:00.000-07:00

Any clues on how/when to transition kids from their crib to a toddler bed? Ben (21 months) climbed out of his crib the other day. I'm hoping that the fall scared him enough not to do it again, but I'm starting to think toddler bed now especially since his little brother will be wanting the crib in the next few months anyway. Also, have you ever used a crib tent? What do you think of those?

Timing is hard to answer. Because the answer is - when both your child and you are ready. Just because he's ready, doesn't mean you are.

So, if he's climbing out of a crib - he's really getting close. But, if you aren't ready, then you can always lower the bar so that its simply safer to get out on his own. As for the crib tent - I have no idea!! It sounds like a great fix to prolong crib time and keep your little one safer - but I have no first hand knowledge - I don't even know who to ask. Sorry, I'm letting you down.

You have to be ready too, because transitioning takes a lot of effort.

So, first start talking about it. Start pointing out friends that sleep in beds. Talk about your bed and how much you love your bed. And after a week of "prepping" conversations - ask if he wants one.

Then I would start with a trip to buy sheets (of course you need to decide if twin or toddler bed is what you want ahead of time and I don't really have an opinion). You want your child to be so excited about the transition. And if you aren't really keen about Transformer sheets then get a Transformer pillow case at least. You want them to feel like they have made the decision - not that it is thrust upon them.

Now, you probably know if your child is good at change or struggles with it - how does he do when you leave him with a babysitter? or at nursery? If he isn't great at it, then you will really have to ease him into the new bed. You will have to camp out on the floor the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th night (but let him try the first night - who knows it could be great!)

The hardest thing about a real bed is the freedom. The freedom to get up and walk around. The freedom to come and get you. So, just be prepared for two weeks of pushing the limits. He'll test you. And I would suggest...that every time he gets up - you immediately take him right back in. No words, not really warm, just the action. It may take 15 times. But, if you stick with it, he'll learn. But, try whatever system for a good two weeks before giving in!

What am I forgetting?

Painting: detail of Starry Night over the Rhone by Vincent van Gogh

True Story

2007-07-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight was one of those nights...you know the times you just hold on and hope that bedtime will come sooner. And once they are in bed, you just hope that they will fall asleep to afford you a break - just a small break.

I think it started with a finger nail accidentally being cut too short - we're not talking about too short in my opinion - just in his. Anyhow, it turned into a bawling, shouting, screaming performance. And when one child cries, others follow.

Somehow, I was able to stay calm (I was secretly laughing at the performance which helps me keep my sanity). But, by the time all bodies were in bed, the crying was still not over. The performance was clearly moving to the second act. So, I had to resort to my never fail method - THE STORY.

I am a story teller through and through. And when I start with "Once upon a time there was a little boy named Toby..." little ears start to listen and I tell it as if though their is no crying, using a soft voice. I tell stories that are just for the listener. So, tonight was a story that started with Toby drawing a space shuttle - a space shuttle with weapons that suddenly detached from the paper and started growing and growing. Toby's only hope was to draw a second space shuttle with shields, etc. I took my time and talked slowly. By the end, the tears had stopped - hooray!

I have told stories to tired children on the subway, on long walks when they don't think they can walk any further, and right in the middle of stores to distract them. Its worked on every child I have met. It doesn't matter - as long as I tell a story about something important to the listener. So, for my two year old its garbage trucks. And to a crowd - I jump from dinosaur to princess to trains made out of candy.

And, if you are thinking you aren't a story teller - just start trying it. It will be hard to come up with crazy tales the first few times. But, you'll get better at it. Who knew - you needed practice to make up fantastical stories.

Anyhow, I thought I would share a my own moment!

Painting: The Boyhood of Raleigh by John Everett Millais

Walking

2007-07-18T23:04:00.000-07:00

How do you help a 15 month old baby {my daughter} that could easily walk on her own, but doesn't have the confidence yet learn to walk? I don't mind {ok, I love it} that she likes holding my hand, but do sometimes wonder when she will walk by herself.

Two ideas!

One. Instead of walking around the house holding her little fingers, hold a marker and let her hold the other end of the marker. Its easier to let go of a thing than a person - especially a special person like a mom. So, keep stretching away, maybe another larger toy, next, in between.

Two. Put all of your chairs on their side and line them up. So they create a long rail to walk along. I remember this was so much fun - we had to do it everyday. And learning to walk just takes a lot of practice sometimes. So, the more they walk on their own, the better.

WALKING (my favorite walking song - click the title to hear a snippet on iTunes)

Walking

walking

Seems so easy now

But I remember when I was small

And I did not know how

I would take two steps and then fall down...

But up I'd stand, dust my hands

And tell myself I know I can

Painting: detail from Woman with a Parasol and a Small Child by Pierre Auguste Renoir

Educational Play - Start with Vowels

2007-07-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

What activities can I be doing with my daughter (she will be three in October) now that are fun and educational?

Its so fun to hear from you! I'm glad you tracked me down. Congrats on your daughter! I divided your question in two - and I'll answer about Preschools soon...

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”

- Pablo Picasso

I'm in love with this quote and the question you pose is similar. So, first, I'll just say what I think "educational" means to me. There is so much stuff out there - the name of every construction vehicle, the name of animals and animals, you can learn every planet, Greek God's, every car model, obviously the list goes on and on. And I think that it really isn't the stuff that's important. Its more the process. The most educational thing you can do for your child is help them be interested in the world. So I think good "educational" play - means its a lot of fun and interesting.

I remember scooping my little one in my lap and trying to read to him, only to have him squirm away. And at first I was crushed - why won't my child listen to a book being read? Its because he was more interested in building a block tower at the moment (or whatever). What I have learned is that being interesting in what they like is the best place to start. So, if they like trucks - learn everything there is about trucks - go find one to sit in. Read truck books, build playdough trucks, park the trucks to line up into big A's...

What?! You ask - ok, here's the little trick. Whatever they are really interested in - I use as the tool to open new doors. So, let's say your child loves plastic necklaces, and princess jewelry. Then play princess with them, and before you put on the lovely pink treat put it down on the ground and exclaim, "Oh, I am so lucky, I have an "O" necklace. This is the most wonderful thing in the whole world. O, o, o, o, oooo!" Then show your daughter her necklace makes an "O" - Show her her magical "O" ring. And your excitment will help her start to learn letters. Never with flashcards or pressure. But, just sneak little moments in like that! Start with vowels! And in a few days, use the necklace to make an "I" on the ground! Use playdough to make big "I" shaped Islands where Ice cream cones live...

Shapes, Colors, Letters, Numbers - just make sure they are fun! I have a few more ideas - if people like this one...what do you do?

Painting" The Peace Dove by Pablo Picasso

The Schmoozer

2007-07-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

I have an almost 3 year-old boy. Of course, like any kid, he loves treats or candy. We try to limit them at home, but people are so nice in the world, and he's not afraid to talk to strangers, so he asks anyone and everyone for a treat or piece of candy. At church, he will go up to strangers and say, "can I have a piece of gum?". Of course, people are flattered and usually have a mint or something, so he gets what he wants wherever he goes. I try not to let this happen if I am around, but I always worry when I leave him at playgroup, nursery, or with a babysitter. Any advice for the mom of a "schmoozing" 3 year-old?

Send him to me - oh, wait, I'm probably the person giving your kid the treats. I have to admit, I'm a veritable Pied Piper of treats. But, I know what you mean - you need some tools - for the times its not ok.

So, here's my mantra. You can't simply eliminate behavior...but, you can replace it. So, instead of saying, "Stop!" or "Don't do that!" you'll want to think of another action - one that is acceptable to you. It sounds like you don't mind him being social - it's more the sweet consequences. So here are some things to keep the social behavior but alter it, for example...

You could bring stickers and see if your child could offer stickers to friends instead of asking for food.

You could teach him to use the "give me five" phrase. Really make it fun, have him go ask people to "give me five" and if its fun enough the adventure becomes the reward. In order for it really to work you would have to roll play at home. Set up a row of stuffed animals on the coach and have him go up to Mr. Paws and say, "Give me five!" And you of course, would help Mr. Paws with the follow-through. Then, when you are in a social situation, you can ask him to go up to a good friend, and say "Give me five!" If its a production it will be more fun than candy - you hope. (Oh, and if high fives are too loud, go with an "ET phone home finger touch" or some other cool handshake). And I am guessing your 3 year old probably knows "give me five" - but not for this purpose.

You could bring your own stock pile of treats - and set up a rule. If he doesn't ask anyone for treats he can have one from you. This helps you know exactly what he is getting. And if you do this for awhile he would get out of his treat asking habit - because its probably a habit above all.

If those don't work, just keep thinking about the idea of replacing the behavior - and just decide what is acceptable to you. Good luck!

Illustration: The Pied Piper of Hamelin by Kate Greenaway

Use Your Words

2007-07-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

When my child and another child are both trying to go for the same thing - be it a toy, the slide or climbing apparatus - I feel as long as they aren't pushing and shoving that it is ok to let them alone and have them work it out between the two of them with words...What do you think is the right thing to do?

If they using their words - great! Sit back and enjoy!

The phrase I say from morning to night is "Use your words...use your words." I say "use your words" when kids are crying, whining, pushing, jumping, and definitely fighting. Most little kids forget to "use their words" - a reminder is necessary.

But I would suggest if they are pretty little, even if they have the words, they don't know the right words. They don't know the ones that will fix the problem. So, if you can help them before the problem gets huge - why not? Hurry to their side like their very own superego...whisper the magic phrase, "Use your words."

If playground play is extra hard for your little one - then roll play at home with stuffed animals. Help them practice so they have the tools they need.

Let's face it - by the time I get to the park I'll I want to do is sit back and let them play. Anyhow, what do you think is the right thing to do?

Painting: Snap the Whip by Winslow Homer

How to say R's and S's

2007-07-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

"Mom, I weally, weally, want to wun and wun with my fwiends" - I am pretty sure this is what I sounded like growing up! R's were my downfall.

A few little ones have trouble saying "r" and "s" - here are two little ideas that could help them...

If they can't say "r" then tell them to smile while they say it - it puts the mouth in the right position! (Try it while you read this - it really works!)

If they can't say "s" its probably because they have a gap - so remind them to make their teeth touch when they say "s" - perfect!

A lot of kids end up in speech therapy - but their are simply things you can help them do at home! They just need help - and a lot of practice!

Silk Screen: Les Oiseaux by Henri Matisse

It Worked!

2007-07-09T17:05:00.000-07:00

At least for one little one - she describes what a good example roll playing in discipline can be! An idea she found reading about creative disciplining ideas right here, a previous Miss Angie post! Let us know what works for you - and what ideas are a complete flop. Its helpful to know what doesn't work as well!

Click on the colored words for the links! Its a really helpful story!

Feverish

2007-07-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

My little one has run a low grade fever the last couple of days and I'm conflicted between taking him to see the doctor or waiting it out. Also, when he's a little bit sick like this should I allow him to cry it out in the night or should I go to him? Help!
Poor little one. And poor you. When you have a sick baby, don't you just want a friend or a sister or a mom around to help make all of the decisions. Someone to help talk it out. Its hard to know because every fever and every cough is slightly different...

Growing up, my Grandpa was a doctor, so we had a terrible habit of calling Grandpa and only heading to the hospital when it was desperate. I think this mentality has spilled over into how I do things. So, I guess this is as good a place as any to stick in a disclaimer - I'm not a doctor and have no doctoring degree. I'm just giving my own advice - and I'm just an Angie, an Angie with kids, giving the best advice I can.

My kids seem to get fevers with teething and immunizations and sometimes colds and on and on. So, I give my kids Tylenol right away when they get a fever. And then I wait and watch. And this is my big determining factor - if the fever breaks fairly well with medicine I don't go in. The fever will probably last several days (meaning on and off and with Tylenol doses as directed). It helps me to remember that a fever is the body's way of trying to get rid of illnesses - so its not always so bad.

I, personally, would rather stay away from doctor's office which is usually a nightmare - the waiting, the other sick kids, and of course the waiting some more. If its a fever and something more - I still wait and watch for at least three days. But if you're worried and the fever won't break - go in - its better to be safe than sorry.

But, here's one trick - did you know if you call your doctor and ask for a prescription over the phone - they will usually give you one! So, if you know they need something - call and firmly ask for a prescription - if you waffle they probably won't do it! But, its nice to know its an option!

What does anyone else use to decide?

Oh, and as for sleeping through the night - I'd throw all previous rules out the window for sick babies. Just help them and cuddle them. If they are waking up because they are sick - just help soothe them. If they really are sick it won't throw off sleep and such. Its just about getting through.

Painting: L'Infirmierre by Beatrice How

Traveling Tips

2007-07-05T20:48:00.000-07:00

Give me traveling tips...Tips for traveling on airplanes, in cars, on buses, on trains...traveling without losing my mind, my temper, or my child and without without giving fellow travelers an hour-long high-pitched serenade accompanied by kicks to the back of the seat.

The best advice. Wrap everything. From books to crayons - whatever you bring wrap it. The wrapping is the exciting part for toddler on up. Don't waste your expensive wrapping paper; use old US Weekly's you have lying about, newspapers, or even printer paper. But, by wrapping each and everything you bring it extends and heightens the process. And the book you've read a thousand times is suddenly new again.

In fact, start hiding away great toys (small things) so they will start forgetting about them now.

Now, when Pandora open her box, it was all kinds of trouble - but having a box or a backpack to fill that is just for them is the best. So, bringing the right things is so important!

What to bring.
1. Stickers.
2. If you are planning on buying a few items - you have to try Crayola's model magic. It's the genius of playdough without the smell or crumbles. Its perfect for the plane.
3. Little kids like familiar books (so wrap and bring the best).
4. I think that bringing one doll or stuffed animal is always nice because if there is some disaster with spilled apple juice and your child is crying or starting to fuss you can always direct the attention to the doll. "How can we help baby - she is really crying right now..."
5. Something to draw with - (again, wrap all of the pens to stretch out the experience - there are also the Crayola Color Wonder pens that won't draw on anything but the special paper).
6. A balloon - to blow up and then let the air out on your child's hands, face, etc. (be sure to wrap even something as small as a balloon).
7. Of course, portable DVD players are genius. And kids love listening to your iPod - so be sure to fill it with music for them.
8. Baggies of food. Marshmallows. crackers. raisins. A little bit of a lot of things is more fun than a lot of one thing.
9. Mini bubbles - I know, it might seem strange on an airplane - but hey, if it works!

Other advice.
I bring Clorox wipes in a plastic bag - I wipe down all of the airplane seats and trays first thing. I just feel so much more at peace.

Get up an walk around on airplanes. And stop and make your child run (really run- enough to get sweaty) if you are in a long car trip.

Now, what has worked for you? Its summer - so everyone needs advice right now!

Painting: Pandora by Odilon Redon

Baby Bottoms

2007-07-02T22:04:00.000-07:00

What do you do for diaper rash...any tricks I don't know?

When you walk into Bloomingdale's there are rows of make up counters, and behind the glass enough skin care products to soothe the skin of third world countries. Products like Superdefense Trip Action Moisturizer - SPF 25 - Dry to Very Dry Skin. Finding the right product for your baby can be just as overwhelming. Most people have their favorite (be sure to share). If I had to pick one, I would say Boudreaux's Butt Paste (the nicest smell, easiest to clean off my hands, and it does a nice job).

But the best way I've found is water. Just plain old water. Get rid of fancy jars and labels and products. If after every diaper change (which I would do more frequently for a sore behind) I then rinse the tiny bottom in the sink - they will heal up right away. I've had great and immediate luck! Its almost as if the alcohol in the wipes is just too rough. Sometimes I add a little hydrocortizone cream(but the label is plastered with consult your doctor). Water. Two days.

Painting: Baby Reaching for an Apple by Mary Cassatt

Imagination & Emotion

2007-06-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

I have a question for you... is there a method to the madness of what to teach a kid when? My child knows most of his animals and body parts and I'm trying to decide if there is something I should focus on teaching him next? Seems like colors, numbers or the alphabet should be next.

Nope. No method.

Its really not about "the stuff" at the end of the day. Its about opening up a world of learning. Its really about the process.

Sure - sing the abc's - teach them about color - help them with numbers. But, its so much more fun to turn it all into an adventure. We like to "jump" the abc's. I hold him and jump - every letter a separate jump, each letter gets its own voice (so no confusion with the l,m,n,o,p part). And use numbers to turn off the water in the shower by counting 1 through 10 and shouting blastoff in the end.

But, don't forget about these two important topics...

Emotion! Its so fun to make the faces - babies, toddlers, and little kids love it! And its so important to start attaching emotion to their world. Point out when they are happy, point out when they are scared, angry, silly.

Imagination! The best part of being a kid is that they do this so naturally. They will stir all sorts of concoctions for you to taste. Just help them stretch and develop this talent. When my then four year old was suddenly nervous to go to sleep - I taught him to turn the ceiling into his canvas. We would draw imaginary vehicles and skyscrapers and wacky robots. Then we could erase parts with a wave of our arms. We would paint a picture every night before I said goodnight - and I told him he could stay up as long as he wanted - drawing anything.

Sidenote: at the Museum of Modern Art in NYC they have headsets for kids to listen to - they feel so old carrying it around. And certain paintings have kids commentary. At this Marc Chagall painting the recorded docent asked the child to find an upside down house...it turned it into an awesome hide and seek type experience.
Painting: I and the Village by Marc Chagall

Time-Outs - Yea or Nay?

2007-06-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

I'm having trouble with the concept of "time-outs" with my almost 3-year old. I feel like I don't have many extra rooms in my apartment to make her stay in, so where do I put her? She won't seem to stay put on a chair, and there are so few corners to stick her in. How do I make her stay there? I like the Supernanny suggestion of a time-out for however many minutes they are old. I just don't know how to enforce it. Do you use time-outs or something else?
Here's the truth. I've done a lot of time-outs - I used a short stool in the bathroom. I used them - calmly and on occasion out of anger. But, here's the thing, they never really worked. Of course, I felt calmer after a few minutes without a naughty child at my toes, but I don't really think it helped them learn anything. A six year old can sit and think for awhile. But, there are only a handful of little ones that can really process a time-out. Its just too long - and not entirely effective in my experience.

I understand the reasoning behind it - if you do something naughty you get a break from the fun. But, here's how I look at it; child being naughty means something - they want attention, they don't know how to use their words, they want to try out throwing toys like they saw their friend do, or they could simply be frustrated because they are hungry. But, there is a reason. And I like to find the reason and fix that.

Okay, remember: a child would rather have negative attention than no attention.

This was really a huge concept for me. And one of the first things I ask myself is how much attention I have given my child on the day they are really being naughty - are they getting more attention from this disciplining exercise then they would for just playing - do they just want more of me? I was around, but sometimes, not so available. So, first things first, make sure you surprise your child and come play with them the moment they are the most happy. The minute they are the most content - sit by them then.

Ok, now that you've done this and they do something naughty - know that its just a lesson they need to learn. So, think of it less of them having bad behavior - but more of them needing to learn a lesson. Here's what I would try:

1. Give the toy a lecture. You know, the toy that is being thrown. Pick up that toy and really discipline the toy. Tell that toy how disappointed you are that it would try and smash into mommy - or how much that toy hurt. Tell the toy the consequence - that he could break the lamp or make someone bleed - so badly they would need a bandaid. Then, make amends with the toy. Accept the toy's apology. Let the toy kiss your cheek (yes, tractors can kiss) and then turn to you child to elicit their help. "Please, oh please help Tractor to drive on the ground or on the couch but not to throw through the air." (This way you are on your child's side and you are helping them see the consequences, and ultimately teaching them the proper way to use their toy).

2. Or, if there isn't a toy involved - give their favorite toy a time out on a high shelf or the refrigerator. Do it immediately (really hurry to get the favorite toy and put it up high) and say with as few words as possible, "Jojo can NOT play with you when you hit mommy." And then walk away. This way, they aren't getting your attention for doing a naughty act - its quick and painless - and really gets a point across. Sometimes, its harder to see your favorite toy in timeout than to be in one yourself. Leave the toy up until (even hours later) you child is happily doing anything. Then, hurry and get Jojo down. And in that moment warmly say, "You are eating (or playing with your blocks so nicely) that Jojo has to come down. She just wanted to be with you so badly." By the way, with this way, you have to use the favorite toy of the day. So, keep your eyes opened.

3. Now, I know that Supernanny is a big fan of "naughty mats" but I am not really. Especially, if that's its name. It goes back to the whole labeling thing. I have used the word in this post a lot - but I try never to use it at all around my children. I just hate the idea that they would associate themselves with the word naughty. So, be sure when you discipline you state simply what they did incorrectly.

4. I do know someone who didn't have a timeout - but a time in - I think they called timeout Hawaii. And it was a comfy place - with toys and a few books. And the idea behind it is - when you child feels better they play better. So instead of punishing, they wanted to get their child out of a "bad situation"; which usually meant away from themselves for a moment. So, they would say something like "I notice you are having a hard time keeping the blocks on the ground, why don't you rest in Hawaii until you feel like you can build with the blocks without them flying through the air." I've never tried it - but its really about finding the right fit for your child and you.

So, in summary, give them a time-out if you could use one. But, here are a few other tools for your arsenal. As always, I do not have the market cornered. So, what works for you? The more suggestions can only help!

Painting: Van Gogh's Chair by Van Gogh

Toys Disguised

2007-06-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

I remember when you had your first, you were finding all sorts of household items that you could play with (i.e. making shapes on the floor with yarn). What other sorts of games/toys have you made up with run-of-the-mill things that your kids have enjoyed? or things they haven't enjoyed?

1. Wax paper is a brilliant toy for babies. They get to explore the crinkle and feel while crawling around.

2. Kitchen Utensils are the world's greatest toy. It doesn't matter what age - they are the best. So, I always like to have a bottom cupboard or drawer filled with the "safe" kitchen things: spoons, whisks, basting brushes, bowls, measuring cups, and of course an unplugged mixer.

3. Yarn on a sheet of sand paper is surprisingly sticky! Not as much fun as I dreamed - but a fun diversion occasionally. Likewise, yarn on carpet is fun - but little ones get tangled quite easily - so I only tried it on occasion.

4. Painters Tape is hands down the best invention. Babies can play with it more safely than other tape - because its not too sticky. Which is also the quality that makes it perfect for making designs on the ground. You should see the airports, roadways, and even sports arenas that come to life with just a little blue painters tape!

5. Empty glass baby food jars can be filled with all sorts of good baby shakables: rice, marbles, nails, a bouncy ball, just use your imagination. Just be sure to super glue or hot glue the lid shut.

6. As the get older - a purse or bag filled with random items is genius: the free credit cards that are fake you get in the mail, an old cheapy Casio watch, a small flashlight, key ring (with keys is the best). Baby's like to pull stuff out of things. And older children like to tote around a bag as well.

7. Fill a pot with potatoes and let a baby pull them out (do a sample run for them first). The "pull out" phase comes before the "put in" phase. So, when a baby can sit this starts to become a fun game.

What "free" ideas do you have?

Painting: Child with a Dove by Pablo Picasso

Screaming

2007-06-26T16:25:00.000-07:00

I have a screamer!!! She's got a loud high pitch scream which she now does for fun, when ever her brother is near, or if she doesn't get her way. She's 18 mo. and all my tactics seem to be failing. Please help my ears and sanity PLEEEEEASE.....

So, here's the trick and the truth. You can't simply eliminate bad behavior - its so impossibly difficult...but, you can replace it. So, instead of saying, "Stop!" or "Hush..." or "I'm sending you to Nambia" here's an idea or two...

1. As soon as she screams you could hurry to her side and try to make a different noise - loudly "Ooooooo" or right in front of her face match her scream with a "La,la,la,la,laaaaaa." Remember, we are wee ones mirrors - and the youngest ones simply need a new habit - and you can give it to them.

2. You could also try turning a scream into a silly noise by running your horizontal finger up and down between the lips...I have no idea what its called...the way you make it sound like you are talking under water - you know - though...the silly noise (oh, this is just going to drive me crazy thinking of a name for this action/sound).

3. Or stick your finger in her mouth and tickle her tongue - pretty annoying, even to a 18 month old. Soon enough she might associate something not so nice with an open, screaming mouth. And say something like, "Oh, you wanted me to stick my finger in your mouth." PS. If she likes it when you do this - don't go with this - it could quickly turn into a "fun" game - abort mission.

4. Final idea, yell back - of course - not shouting but mimicking. You know, the copy game, it might make it worse - but one try wouldn't hurt.

Good luck!

Painting: The Scream by Edvard Munch

Rock-a-Bye Baby in the Treetop or Wherever You'll Sleep

2007-06-21T15:57:00.000-07:00

Help! My son is seven months old and he doesn't know how to put himself to sleep. (I either nurse him or rock him for naps and bedtime.) This is a problem because he wakes up in the night--an average of two times--and I'm tired of getting up with him when the problem isn't hunger. I've tried letting him cry it out, but he just works himself into a frenzy and after an hour I give up. Plus I'm just a softie and his crying KILLS me. He won't take a pacifier (unless you count me as one). How do you teach a child to go to sleep on his own?

So, this is the hardest thing ever - in my opinion. Some very lucky people bring babies home who sleep through the night day one and two (not fair at all). Other people try the cry it out thing and it works like a charm (although if you haven't tried this and do want to try the Ferber-cry-it-out I would alter it slightly and let your baby cry for three minutes, go in and soothe them without getting them out, go in after six minutes, go in and soothe, and continue adding by three minute increments). But, a lot of babies will cry and cry and cry and work themselves up into hysteria.

Everyone always says 6 months is the time to get babies to sleep through the night. I personally think 8 months is better. They are just older and have more body control.

If a baby is getting up twice it probably means he is getting up right in between his sleep cycles (every three or four hours). Which means he just hasn't learned how to sleep through it yet and he does get a bit hungry just by routine - aka, its going to be a bit of a struggle. There is no magic fix.

But here are some other suggestions; the end result hopefully being a baby who can self soothe...
1. Change his last feeding time. Do it a little earlier than usual and help him to go to sleep an hour after he eats. This will not only help his stomach and sleep cycles be on different timing, but will help him with the process of going to sleep in the first place.

2. Give him a warm bath right before bed - not even necessarily to clean him, but to relax his muscles and body. I always feel a bit sleepier after a warm bath.

3. Post bath, lotion their body - a baby massage to also calm the muscles.

4. Now try to put him in his crib here are random ideas that could work (just try one at a time): wrap his legs in a blanket (tight like you would an infant - but don't do the arms, this age will fight arm wrappings but sometimes a leg wrapping helps them relax their body); play quiet music or soothing sounds (some kids will really focus on the sound and fall asleep); turn on a mobile.

5. Those are the quick fixes. If that doesn't work. You may have to rock him to sleep or hold him; just while he is learning to sleep without you as the pacifier. Once you decide, just don't go back, I swear they know when we are wavering. Anyhow, back to the rocking. If they aren't a thumb or paci kid then help them find something that will soothe. So, while you rock them, take a silky or chenille or any soft blanket and gently rub it on their cheek and and down over their eye lids. If you do this enough, it will teach them how to do it. And eventually, if they wake up in the night and see their blanket - they will reach for it and rub their own cheek with it. In other words, give your baby a tool. A sock to suck on; a pacifier to hold (yes, my little one liked to hold one); a chocolate soufle from Roy's (woops, that's what I like to help soothe) - the point is help them learn to soothe themselves by the way you soothe them.

6. Ok, now back to the crib. When your baby that can now fall asleep without you as a pacifier goes in the crib. You may have to sit beside the bed in the darkness. They may fall asleep - but want you there while they are doing it. Every night move farther away. Even sit outside the door and show them that you are there, just out of sight. Eventually, they will learn. Its slow and slow, but if you don't like the crying, its a choice.

I hope that all doesn't sound too crazy...

Painting: Le berceau (The Cradle) by Berthe Morisot in the Musee d'Orsay, Paris

Finicky Eaters

2007-06-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

I need help with food for my almost 3 year old. I feel like I am in a rut, and that she isn't willing to try new things. What are some good food ideas that are nutritious and exciting for kids, and what are some ways to get kids to eat more? How many times do I need to have her try something before I realize she just doesn't like it? Or do I keep trying? Do I use the "go to bed hungry" tactic?

Do Not's
1. Don't give up. It takes ten (10) times of eating any food before we can truly determine if children like something (ok, I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate this if they knew, but there are so many new things, not only taste but texture, etc. to familiarize their little tongues to).

2. Don't worry about starving them. If they don't eat enough at dinner they will make it up the next day (of course children are much crankier without food, so I try not so much for their stomachs but for their moods). And literally their appetites are so small sometimes, but the instant they are growing they will eat so much better. So, worrying isn't worth it.

3. Don't leave them in their high chair too long - it makes crazy associations with food and feeling stuck or unhappy - so just be aware of this.

Do's (these are all debatable, but I'm all about new ideas, my personal favorite is last on the list)
1. Get creative. Kids like a challenge and something exciting, so really plate your meals in an exciting way. Instead of cutting their sandwich into four squares, cut them ragged and pile them high...a Ham Sandwich Mountain...put a dinosaur or a ballerina on top. Or, turn the squares into diamonds and present the sandwich as a butterfly - the favorite meal of fairies.

2. Name the food something different - if you've read I Will Not Ever Never Eat a Tomato (book cover on the side) they call tomatoes- moonsquirters; potatoes - cloud fluff; peas-green drops from Greenland. Boys love nasty Halloween phrases - guts, eyeballs, you know, the words that make us queasy.

3. Soup - Let them use a straw to drink it - Won Ton Soup, Gazpacho, Chicken Noodle...if they feel like it isn't aloud it will make it more fun.

4. Dads have the biggest influence on this sort of thing - if they eat something and love it - talk about how delicious broccoli is and how they know its why they are so tall and strong...it will make a huge difference.

5. Playing with their food - usually this is a sign children are finished. But for some kids if they can play with it long enough, they will absentmindedly put something in their mouth - so just be patient enough to learn which category your child fits in.

6. Dipping is the dream solution. Most kids love the process of dipping. With most meals, I like to have a "pool" for them to dip in - usually a separate bowl. So, a "pool of syrup" for most breakfast items - including fruits they aren't great at eating - kiwi, mango, passion fruit, blue berries. A "pool of ketchup, ranch, or Italian dressing" is also genius for tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, whatever else. For some magic reason, dip, dip, dipping is a wonderful tool.

7. Eat with them. A lot of times meals are a chance to get errands done, but if they are having a hard time eating, I would change your habit for a few weeks. Just to send this message - what you eat is so important I want to sit here and watch you do it!

8. Finally, and I am not embarrassed to admit this - candy. That's right - straight up bribery. I have been doing this lately and my two year old is eating foods he never would have dreamed of trying (because it is always the trying that's hard). I literally sit next to him with an unseen pile of jelly beans. And for every bite of something I ask him he can get a jelly bean. It goes like this, "Chase if you eat that asparagus you can have a jelly bean." Half way through eating he wants the jelly bean, "Chase you have to finish eating the asparagus. Chew, chew, chew and swallow it...and then you can have candy!" He has eaten so many things - and he is getting over the fear of it. So now, when he sees a green bean, he knows he has eaten it and he tries it again without the candy...not always. But, a lot! I know many people would roll over in their grave, but hey, its working.

What works for you?

Painting: Apples, Peaches, Pears, and Grapes by Paul Cezanne

Baby #2

2007-06-13T13:59:00.000-07:00

What can I do to prepare my first child for the arrival of a second child?

To start with I'll paraphrase Doctor Zimmerman , "When you have a second child, you get to teach the first child the best lesson and hardest lesson in their own home -- that they aren't the center of the universe."

My first reaction is - what a harsh thought. I want my child to feel they are the center of the universe. But after thinking about this idea enough, I see its value. What a wonderful gift to give a child, to help them learn to care about those around them, to love more than just themselves, to think about other's needs.

So, how to help them prepare...

Roll Play
I am really big into roll play. In other words, before baby #2 I used a doll and increasingly paid more and more attention to him. I knew that jealousy can be apart of a new baby's arrival - and I wanted to get it out of their system on a doll, and not the newborn. So, literally, I would hold the doll - a lot. I would talk to it, sing to it, pretend to change its diaper - and then slowly, I would invite #1 to help me. To sing with me, to bring the diaper to me...just involving him.

And when #1 would want to play blocks I would respond with something like this, "What a wonderful idea, its such a wonderful idea that I think baby doll would love it to...should we ask him?" And then as we played blocks, I would say something like, "Look how silly baby is, he wanted to play blocks but he is just sitting there. But you know how to use your hands to build such a tall tower. I think maybe baby doll just likes to watch you build...just like I do."

Nursing Box
This is probably my greatest idea of all time. I was really concerned about the time newborns feed, and I didn't want the jealousy to grow. So, before #2 came, I created a nursing box. I bought all sorts of quiet play time activities (you know, the things you bring on a plane trip). And I filled the box, wrapping some of the things (and then frequently rotated the activities). And when #2 came, I called it "Nursing Time" which meant newborn ate, and #1 could get out his box. There weren't very many jealousy issues, and after enough time, it just became routine.

Warning
Regression is sometimes a part of the process, but calling the older one - "big brother" or "big sister" sometimes makes it worse. They are reminded - that being big means they don't get to be held constantly, and would rather be little. So just use their name, and keep pointing out all of the things they know how to do.

Sigh
Its a relief that infants really won't remember what you say and do with the older one. So, a lot of times, when the baby would pull hair or something - I would look at #1 and giggle and say, "Can you believe how silly babies are...he thinks pulling hair is like a hug...oh, silly baby." And the laugh would help teach #1 how to respond.

Even at the park the other day, an older #2 crashed down a sand castle of #1, and instead of being devastated I said, "Is Chase pretending to be a tornado again? Chase thinks its tornado time...maybe you can build another castle and he can be a hurricane this time."

Phone Code

2007-06-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

How do you keep your children quite while your on the phone?

The truth is, I don't. This isn't my area of expertise.

But, I did try one thing that worked for awhile, and I can at least share this silly idea (warning: it is pretty silly)...

I invented a secret code - its more fun for your kids if they are in on a conspiracy. The plan was, if I was on the phone and they needed me, they could come and put their hand on me knee. This was the signal, and if I noticed their hand, I would tap back. The tap back would mean = I know you want to talk to me, but I am on the phone, so when I'm off I'll come talk to you. If it was so important they couldn't wait then they would keep their hand on my knee and I would keep tapping which would mean = I know its important, I am going to hurry and finish talking. The secret code worked for awhile - but that's all I've got.

Labels are for Jam Jars

2007-06-06T17:12:00.000-07:00

I had no idea that I was guilty of this. I wouldn't dream of calling my kids lazy or dumb - but here's the thing: labeling doesn't only apply to negative labels - it applies to positive labels as well.

Jeffrey Holland said, "You may say most positively that "Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright," but all Susan will remember is that she isn't bright and Sandra that she isn't pretty." This is why labeling is dangerous - it seems to pigeonhold a child.

For example, here are phrase and labels I have been guilty of using...
"You are such a great helper."
"What a great artist you are!"
"You are so athletic."
"Wow, you are such a smart boy."

Ok, I know what you are thinking, if I can't say those to praise my child, what can I say? This is what I learned...it is much more powerful to describe the action. So instead of saying something about being a helper, try describing whatever they did to help..."You are so great at putting your toys away in the basket when I asked you. I really needed your help. Thank you." Or when they bring you a finished art project, "Wow, I love the way you colored such thick lines here - and I love the circles over in this corner - I love this color you chose!"

What this does is help children understand what makes them so great! It helps them identify and accurately process their actions. It will help them in school and in life. I know that even as adults we make this mistake, we may be the "creative" friend - but when we aren't feeling creative, we can feel without purpose.

I still say "helper" and fall into labels - but I have really seen that it is harmful. A child who thinks he is a "great writer" - may find himself confused when writing isn't easy for him when he's in school - but a child that knows he is "great at using adjectives" will understand his own talents.

It takes more time - but its pretty great! Thanks to Cheryl for some of these great thoughts!

Extending Wake up

2007-05-22T15:29:00.000-07:00

How did you get your child not to get out of their bed too early in the morning?

My kids are early risers - but its my own fault because they go to bed at sevenish - so 11 or 12 hours is a pretty good night. The general rule - if the sun is up, you can get up, if not, stay in bed. But, the times I want a little extra shut eye myself, I've tried this trick...

In a clean room, I simply set out a few puzzles, or toys (this is another topic, but I rotate toys, just so I always have a newish toy ready). Anyhow, if there is a new something out before they reach their door, they will usually sit down and play. I have built a house out of books - just something different to draw their attention.

Any other good ideas?

No Biting, No Fighting

2007-05-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

My little one has pushed a few kids at the playground lately...I am not sure how to handle it. I can tell parents want to see me resolve the issue but I just don't know how best to do it.

I'm going to divide this question into two answers. I'll call the first part "Damage Control" or what you could try at the park. And the second part will be called "Preventative Measures" or things you can try before the park.

Damage Control
The firm way would probably be to rush over saying "No" and then giving your child a timeout...but here's why I don't think that is the most effective. Imagine you are the child, you are playing in the sand and something frustrating happens and in response you push or hit another child, by the time your mom hurries over to scold, you are playing happily again. So, when you are standing of the edge of the park in a timeout, you are confused as why you are being punished and instead of feeling remorse or empathy for the child you have hit, you are feeling anger at your mother for making you stand at the edge. Confusion and Anger aren't great side effects of punishment.

Here's another way...rush over to your child, get down at their level (eye to eye), and in a soft gentle voice help them see the consequences of what they have done. Ie. "When you hit Jason look how sad he feels, and I feel sad when you hit. Hands aren't for pushing/hitting, they are for scooping in the sand, or climbing the ladders. We are so sorry Jason - can we get you a bucket to play with?" I would then move your child to a different place in the park, to try again. It isn't fun if the same friends get hurt over and over. So, be sure to take your child home if they are hitting a lot - not as a punishment, but as a way to get them out of a bad situation. They are probably tired or hungry if they are extra feisty.

The one thing to keep in mind - Negative Attention is better than no attention. So, as long as they aren't hitting to have you rush to their side, then continue to lovingly teach them. And in the meantime, rush over to their side when they are playing the happiest and say something like, "I noticed that you were using your hands to climb and dig and I had to come tell you how happy I feel." Give them they most attention when they are playing nicely.

Preventative Measures
I have found that the playground isn't the best learning environment - its more like getting through a trip then really gaining "no hitting" skills. There is too much opposition.

So, here are a few ideas...at home when your child is playing, go sit near them and start playing (not with them, but beside them), and narrate your play.
For example, say out loud..."I love to make my doll walk, it makes me happy, wow, I can really make her run fast, this is fun! (Then look at what your child is playing with and pretend to want it). I see that James has a car, that might be more fun. I really want that car. Should I take it? Nooooo, that would make him sad. But, I really want the car, maybe I should push him. No, that would make him sad and I would feel sad. I don't want to make him feel sad, maybe I could use my words. Yes! I'll use my words! (to your child) Can I have a turn when you are done, James? Thank you, thank you, you made me so happy! I feel so happy that I used my words." You get the idea - give your child the tools to help them make better decisions.

Also, on the walk to the park, be sure you lay out expectations. "At the park, you can run, and get in the water, and climb the slide. At the park, we aren't going to push or hit or take toys away from other children. And if a child pushes you, why don't you hurry away and go on the slide, that would be more fun." Help them know the plan.

Sometimes its hard to stop something - so replacing bad behavior is easier than eliminating it. So, if your child is pushing a lot - help change the motion to a hug or something different. At home you can practice. Don't make the mistake of calling a push a hug. When they push you or a sibling, just say something like, "When you use your arms for hugging me I feel so happy...like this (and help them give you a hug)." This fills them with positive attention instead of negative attention for telling them to stop pushing.

Ok, there are a few ideas, but I know you all have tricks, so chime in. This way we can be extra helpful for those with this question!

Sleep Baby Sleep

2007-05-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

My baby will not take a nap - what should I do?

I think that having a well rested baby and child is one of the biggest gifts you can give a child. I am a believer that children need a lot of sleep. The idea of tiring out a child just doesn't work for bedtime - they will eventually sleep - but in the end a well rested child will be happier, make better choices, which means less tears and anger. So the energy you put into a sleeping little one will really make your life easier!

First things first, remember when you would hold your infant in your arms and watch every breath and see them fall deeper and deeper into sleep - you would notice every twitch, every eye flicker? This is the very information that will help you discover what kind of sleeper you have. Some babies fall into deep sleep right away, others need 15 and some it takes 30 minutes. How do you know if they are in deep sleep - well, if you lift their limp arm in the air and drop it and it falls like a rock - they are in deep sleep.

Ok, now take that information, and realize that when you are putting your now 6 month old baby to bed - they are going to need quiet - good quiet while they fall into deep sleep.

Some babies love their crib more than anything - this will make it easy if your baby is in this category. If not, you will need to detoxify the crib...no, not with a certain cleaning product..."detoxify the crib" is my own made up term for making the crib a happy place. This means doing whatever you can do to make the crib your baby's happiest place (besides your arms). So here are a few ways to make it happy (do these for at least two weeks if your child doesn't like the crib)...

Let your baby play with toys in it - but don't leave them so long they cry - only a few minutes - long enough to create happy memories.

Get in the crib with your baby - I know, it seems wrong, but if you like to be in there, they will!

Never rush in and sweep up your crying baby out of the crib (unless they are sick) try and help them be happy before you pick them up ie. peek a boo or tickling games

Be sure they get their special blankets, pacifiers, whatever they love the most

And then once the crib is the happiest place, focus on the first nap. This means as soon as your baby wakes up watch them like a hawk, as soon as they yawn (not the wake up yawn) but the first sleepy sign...rubbing eyes, yawning, sometimes sadness...put them down. This may be an hour after they are up - but if you can get a first nap in right away - the second nap and bedtime will be so much easier.

I am a fan of wrapping little babies, and older babies I sing a little song or something - the same thing every time to signal - nap time. Some babies like music - but some its too stimulating - so just be wary.

Novels are written on this subject - so this is just the beginning. And its almost ironic because although my kids really love nap time and sleeping - this week it hasn't been so ideal. My two year old learned to escape from the bed and is in the middle of getting up and getting up. I'm in the midst of a calm - return to bed - no extra cuddles, just persistence project. Sigh...so for me - be sure and add ideas for toddlers who get up and up and up...I have a few others, but my general rule of thumb - is if you do something consistently for two weeks with no luck - its probably not a match for your child...and I'm at seven days and counting!

Painting: Sleeping Child Covered with Blanket by Henry Moore

Weaning

2007-04-27T21:43:00.000-07:00

How do you know when the right time to wean is and how do you do it?

Isn't wean a dreadful word? Ok, now that I've said that I can get down to business.

This is a tough one, because people are very opinionated; very, very opinionated on this. It runs the gamut from Enfamil to La Leche - people care. Perhaps people subconsciously believe if you aren't defending whatever you are doing as the single best option - then it could mean it places second, third, or something else. And no one wants to say they are giving their child second best. But, since we don't finger point here at Ask Angie - set the biases aside and just glean what's helpful - there aren't different ribbons - just different choices...

I'll start with what I did. I nursed my babies for a year. My mom almost died I didn't go longer - and I almost died that I lasted so long. So my answer to when, is simply - when you are ready. The reason I aimed for a year was that I wanted to transition straight from breast milk to whole milk. Personally, I've always thought change is hard, so the fewer changes the better. In fact, I skipped the bottle stage and went straight to sippy (although its a lifesaver for many).

As for the specific stopping - I just eliminated one breast feeding every three days - supplementing with baby food - and offering milk (but not forcing it). This way, physically, it wasn't too taxing to on me. The last one to go was the morning and night time feeding - those are just the hardest to eliminate. Simply, eliminate five to fifteen minutes a day-one step at a time.

Some kids don't want to change to a new milk - and yes, I'll admit it, with one of my children adding a little chocolate to the milk was just the thing. Just enough to get him interested and then I faded it out.

Once you start, stick to it! Some babies seem to take it as an emotional insult - they are just pulling out all the stops. If you stay calm and committed they will go along in just a few days. Nothing too magic - mostly time! I know this is a fairly general start - so if there is a specific problem - I am happy to address it as well - just leave a comment.

Potty Training - 5 Simple Ideas

2007-04-20T23:33:00.000-07:00

originally published 4.07

How did you potty train when you knew the time had come?

As with everything - there is not one right way because every child is so different so here are five different ideas to use in combination or individually (just be sure you have talked the entire process out with your child and they know the plan...)

1. "Potty Present" Whatever you child loves the most (books, Spiderman, plastic jewelry) - buy it and wrap it. It will become a special "potty present" - not to get for going potty - but something they are only allowed to unwrap and subsequently use on the potty. This will help get past the initial fear of sitting on the potty - and you child may want to just sit there for hours the first few days. And if you give them enough liquids they will go while they are sitting there.

2. "Pants Off" I have known several parents use the "pants off" method (the unofficial name for letting your child run around sans underwear). Diapers are so genius these days, that most kids don't even know when they are peeing - the wetness is indeed whisked away as the commercials promise. So, by letting them run around "pants off" they suddenly become aware. And when it happens you just hurry them in and help them go. Some books claim a day of this will do the trick...I'm not so optimistic - and its a pain to clean up - but it does work (much better if you have hardwood).

3. "Potty Bears" This was my personal favorite. When James went potty - he got one gummy bear for liquid and two for solid - it was the only way we were able to stretch one day into many successful days.

4. "Pull-Ups" The newest pull-ups have an added liner to help your child feel the wetness. Because of the diaper problem I mentioned above - this is a really great first step to help with recognition.

5. "Potty Party" Throw the biggest part for a child's doll - after spending time with the doll and congratulating the doll for using the toilet (make sure you really pretend to hold the doll over the toilet - the modeling is important). Sometimes the hardest thing (especially for a first child) is they don't have anyone to copy - anyhow - make sure your party has a cake - because what party doesn't have a cake.

I'm not with Freud in thinking that if you potty train too early or too late there are disastrous consequences. Do it when its right for you and your child - because you really have to stick to it - no going back even if it means packing seventeen extra socks & underwear & pants - it really stinks! But the rewards are genius!