Back Talk

I need advice on how to handle a 4 year old little girl who talks back like a 13 year old. Time out has not worked, telling her we do not talk to mom or dad like that has not worked and many other tactics. What tips can you offer for this issue??

Here's a simple one to try...

Let's say you ask your daughter to, "Go and pick up the toys in the bedroom." And you get a response like, "murmur, murmur, back-chat, back-chat, no-thank you" (or something)...try instead giving her a model of the right way to respond and just tack it on to your question. So, it would go like this, "Go and pick up the toys in the bedroom [change to a higher pitch] Oh, sure, mommy, I'd love to."

Just assume there will be some back talking, because habits are hard to break. But you can preempt her and try and replace the habit with a new one.

This is just a side note (and something that I have thought about for awhile). I know that when my kids approach me with a question like, "We're hungry can you get me something to eat...Will you play trains with me...Come see this, Mom..." that a lot of times I give the "in a minute" answer. It is a mom's own version of back talk. So, I've made a conscious effort to answer, "Yes! I'd love to..." if the answer will eventually be a yes. I try to make the yes something they hear me say. And think about the way your husband, or father responds to your questions. Is it will a, "Sure, honey" or something else? The more you can model the behavior you want your children to exhibit, the better!

Painting byMorisot: Artist's sister with her child

Screaming

My 18-month-old son has been going through a big screaming phase recently. I'm wondering if these are just normal tantrums. He seems to scream when I can't give him my undivided attention (e.g. I'm cooking dinner) or when he gets frustrated that he can't communicate what he wants (he doesn't have many words yet). Any thoughts on how to survive until he can talk more and on helping him not be so upset when I can't give him all my attention?

I feel like this is the cop out answer...but I think that screaming is just part of it all. If I could think of a way to entirely be rid of screaming I am certain I could win some award - a Nobel Peace Prize perhaps!

But, I think that there are some things you could probably do to help.

"Use your words" - This is a favorite phrase of mine. I think that little ones that are starting to use words forget to use them entirely when they are frustrated so they fall back on their infantile way to deal with needs - crying. So, sometimes, calmly saying, "Use your words," can actually really help.

Let him help you - It might take twice as long to cook dinner, but if you get him out his own bowl and spoon and entreat him to help you with dinner it can help. I know that my three year old is a permanent helper now (he's been sitting on the counter so long, he now knows it is his roll, so he comes running into the kitchen at the sound of a mixer - to help).

Talk, Non-Stop - I think it goes against most of our nature to just talk and talk and talk. But, when you are cooking dinner and your hands are full, your mouth is probably not (except for occasional tasty morsels). So, I would narrate what you are doing - give your own little cooking show for your child. Help him decide which lettuce you should use for the salad. Tell him that you are chopping up an orange carrot. Tell him what is happening, but also use it as a time for imagination. If your child likes trucks, or balls, talk about those things. Say things like, "It is a good thing the garbage truck isn't in our kitchen because he may smash these carrots and then we couldn't eat them...you know, the strange stuff that kids like to hear.

Painting: Acceptance by Cezanne

To Say or Not to Say

I feel like word choice for talking to your little ones is one of the most important things...and most influential things we do every day.

But, instead of telling them what NOT to do, I like to tell them what TO do. Its hard at first; I say a lot of things like: don't kick your brother, don't dump your water on the floor, don't do every other crazy thing you do...but its so much better to say things like: do use your legs to run around with your brother, do drink your water its a better choice, and do the crazy things that I can live with...

Just a thought.

Loud Little One

My three year old is LOUD. He seems to find yelling is the way to talk. It isn't like we don't hear him when he doesn't yell and we aren't yelling or loud parents... When we ask him to talk quietly or use your indoor voice, he says he is or that he can't talk quieter. I have tried just whispering to him to see if he would catch on, doesn't work...What can we do? He is teaching out one year old to be loud too and I am not sure my head can take anymore noise!

The best phrase I can offer you is, "My ears can't hear when..." So, every time your little one shouts that he needs you, you can respond with, "My eyes can see that your mouth is moving, but when you talk too loud my ears can't hear the words very well." And then, this is really important, model what you would have liked him to say and in what volume and tone.

For example, he shouts that he needs cookies. You quietly say, "Mom, I would like a cookie please." He tries it. If its right, great. If not, then try again. Sometimes it may take a few times going back in forth. But MODELING is the way I've had the most success.

Of course, if you really can't tell the difference - then you may need to do something like a Volume Bootcamp. You could go outside with the intention of exploring volume. It might be really eye opening if he hears you yell...what it is like when you shout too loud. You could simply go outside to play in the snow - and try and role play. But be too loud or too quiet. Ask him to help show you the right voice to use outside.

In the end, there isn't a wrong or right volume. But, perhaps a right or wrong time to use that volume. So, giving your little one control might help!

Painting: Peter Breugel's Children's Games

Big Brother/Sister Envy

When I hear a great idea I just have to share...

With baby number two you find yourself without the seconds, minutes, hours to just hold your infant and revel. Of course, there is the night, but the sleepiness sometimes overshadows the moments of quiet bliss.

Anyhow, you want to talk and love your little one, but with older ears listening in it sometimes creates more jealousy than before. So, this is what Lys-An does...she talks to her infant about the older sibling. In a sweet baby voice telling the infant what a wonderful runner her brother is, or how high he can jump. Of course, its the face time your infant treasures, and your older child gets the benefit of extra compliments and love. A win-win!

Love this idea, Lys - hope you don't mind me sharing!

Painting: Polynesian Woman with Children by Paul Gaugin

Independent Walkers and Thinkers

Or The Treacherous Target Toy Aisle

I have a 17 month old boy. He likes to walk with me instead of being carried or being in a stroller, etc. He doesn't run away from me or anything, he just wants to do his own thing. I take my time with him and let him look, stop and do something but when I tell him to come, he never does unless I come take his arm (which usually results in the limp body trick).Are there any ways to help him obey my directions or is it too early to expect that???

It sounds like you've got a bright and independent little one! From the little bit you said, I would guess that obeying directions isn't really his style (yet). I think that you may have to help him decide that you want the same thing. Inspire his decision, make him believe that he decided it.

Example: Going to Target can be the longest experience of my life because the seven toy aisles take an hour to browse. But, if instead of saying, "Its time to go to the next aisle," I try something like feigning enthusiasm, runninh down the aisle exclaiming, "Look! Diego toys! Oh, wow, oh, look over here - Dora! I see Dora down here! Oh, look, this next aisle has even more toys! Come push this button, you've got to see what this Scoop can do!" Doing it this way we can get through the treacherous Target toy aisle in ten minutes! I set the tone and they were none the wiser.

So, I would suggest you lean down and whisper in his ear (almost like a secret) what you want him to do. Here are some words to try: "I just remembered there is a red fire truck in the car - I wonder where the car is?" OR "I see a big yellow bus over there - I wish I could see it" (the bus or other vehicle would be closer to your destination) OR "What is that over there? I wish I knew?"

Of course, I would start introducing the idea of following directions. Pick one or two things that are really important and just don't budge. So, if he wants to walk then be sure that when you come to a street you explain that he needs to hold your hand you you need to hold him. Give him to options and then if he doesn't choose, you choose. And just stick with it. It doesn't matter if the street is empty - its about principle. So, pick a few things (few being the key word) and don't budge. It will help him as he gets older to know that when you say something you really mean it!

Good luck!

Painting: Garden at Vétheuil by Claude Monet

The Best Trick I Know

I feel like I should share the best parenting tool I ever learned. I can't even tell you where or when I discovered it, but it is probably the one thing that I use every day.

I'll call it - Giving Choices.

So, this is how it works. Instead of saying, "Come and eat!" I say, "Its time to eat, do you want to walk to the table or do you want me to carry you there?"

The first option is often met with a flat out - no. But, somehow using different words helps children cooperate - it gives them a choice.

Here are a few more examples...

Instead of, "Its time to come inside" (which seems so simple to say but kids never just do it) Try starting the same way, but add a choice..."Its time to come inside. Would you like to walk up the stairs all by yourself or do you want me to hold your hand?"

Instead of, "Its time to get out of the tub," try something like, "Would you like to take out the plug now or do you want me to?"

Instead of "Get dressed!" I say, "Its time to get dressed - do you want me to pick the clothes today or do you want to?"

Instead of "Pick up your toys!" I could say, "'Its time to pick up your toys; do you want to put them away fast or slow?" If the answer is fast you could set a timer.

Be sure to give two options you can live with - but it is really the best trick I know. Anyhow, whenever you are given a flat out - no - just rephrase. Try the option thing instead of reasoning.

When I was growing up there were some Saturdays my mom would ask us to either clean up our rooms or dance with her...so here's to dancing and having fun. Choices can be fun!

Painting: The Village Girl and The Imaginative Boy both by Robert Henri - who I love by the by

Tantrums While Babysitting

My niece (who I will be watching for the next 8 days) is 2 and throws tantrums anytime they leave a "fun" place- friends houses, parks etc... Should I just ignore her and pick her up and put her in the car??? Advice???

Its hard when its not your child - because you aren't going to be able to make a permanent change - its more about coping.

I would suggest one simple plan. Anytime you go somewhere "fun" - before you get out of the car go over the plan and lay out your expectations. Here's a simple sample conversation:
"We are going to get out of the car and play at the park. But, when I say,'Time to Go' you need to say,'Okay'! Can you practice saying ok for me?"
"Okay!"
"Can you say it louder?"
"Okay!!"
"Wow, that was great. If you can say okay that loudly when I say, 'Time to go,' then you can have an Elmo sticker when we get back in the car."
When it is two minutes to departure, say something like...
"I am going to say, 'Time to Go' in two minutes and if you say Okay really loudly and get into the car with a happy smile then you can have your sticker!"
And then with one minute to go...
"I am going to say, 'Time to Go' in one minute and if you say Okay really loudly and get into the car with a happy smile then you can have your sticker!"
And then...
"It's Time to Go!"

I would get Elmo stickers, Princess stickers...something that they are into. You can even stretch the warnings to five minutes.

Anyhow, if it doesn't work, be prepared to scoop and go. And if there are still tears, when you get in the car remind her that she didn't get a sticker, but that if she can say Okay happily the next time, then she can have one. Don't over think it - but if you stick to your plan she will probably learn that you aren't someone who is going to give in. And you'll have a happier week in the end.

Good luck!

New People and Places

I'm a little worried about the way that my 3 year old interacts with other kids and unfamiliar situations. For example, she will not play at the playground unless she has a friend there that she already knows well. She seems so anti-social around people she doesn't know, yet is one of the most social and friendly kids amongst her friends. Is there anything I can do to help the situation, or will she just grow out of it?

Making friends is hard - I mean I'm a lot older than 3 and its hard for me. It seems to take a year in a new city before I feel like I have a good friend...so I can only imagine how hard it is for little ones.

So, in a word she'll grow out of it - but I think its more like, she'll learn out of it. She just needs to the tools and actions for new situations and people.

Here's a few ideas...

1. Prepare her. As you walk to the park have start the conversation. But, not just saying there are new kids, I would try saying that you invited new kids to the park. Make her feel like you are in control..."We are going to the park and I invited a lot of friends to the park. But, they are just learning how to play in the sand. As soon as we park the stroller. Will you jump out and start playing in the sand to show the other kids how to do it..." Just like grown-ups, sometimes its easier to think about someone else rather than ourselves, its just less stressful somehow. It also helps to spell out a specific action.

2. Tell a story. On the way to the park, tell a story about the time you were on a tire swing and didn't know one of the girls. Tell her how it made you giggle and made you want to swing hirer.

3. Give her an extra security. If she is willing to talk about the fear you could help appease it by giving her a special friend. You know, if she has a little plastic Elmo or Dora, have her put her friend (aka toy) in her pocket. Its an Indian in the Cupboard inspired idea, but sometimes it helps to know that you aren't alone.

4. Help her feel like the star. It doesn't matter where or when, it seems to help kids if they feel like they are the central figure. So, when you get to the park, remind her "Wow, all of these kids came here today - I bet they were hoping they could see you!" Or to a class "I bet they were waiting to start for you." Basically, help them feel like they are needed!

5. Be her ambassador. The next few times you go to the park, pretend like you are her playmate. And follow her around making friends and talking to the little kids. And say to the new little girl, "Do you like Dora? I like Dora, too! Look at my pink socks." Really, just model the conversation of a three year old for her. If you pretend to get excited and then talk about it on the way home, your job may just be done! Of course, just try the following around thing for a few times - because who are we kidding - we want the park to be a break, not a new challenge!

6. Routine. And in the end, even if little words and conversations don't make huge changes (although they could) repetition is the best. Make an effort to go where its most challenging a lot and frequently - because they will figure it out!

What do you think of these ideas? Hopefully they are the easy-to-try kind!

Painting: Hands Holding Bouquet by Pablo Picasso

True Story

Tonight was one of those nights...you know the times you just hold on and hope that bedtime will come sooner. And once they are in bed, you just hope that they will fall asleep to afford you a break - just a small break.

I think it started with a finger nail accidentally being cut too short - we're not talking about too short in my opinion - just in his. Anyhow, it turned into a bawling, shouting, screaming performance. And when one child cries, others follow.

Somehow, I was able to stay calm (I was secretly laughing at the performance which helps me keep my sanity). But, by the time all bodies were in bed, the crying was still not over. The performance was clearly moving to the second act. So, I had to resort to my never fail method - THE STORY.

I am a story teller through and through. And when I start with "Once upon a time there was a little boy named Toby..." little ears start to listen and I tell it as if though their is no crying, using a soft voice. I tell stories that are just for the listener. So, tonight was a story that started with Toby drawing a space shuttle - a space shuttle with weapons that suddenly detached from the paper and started growing and growing. Toby's only hope was to draw a second space shuttle with shields, etc. I took my time and talked slowly. By the end, the tears had stopped - hooray!

I have told stories to tired children on the subway, on long walks when they don't think they can walk any further, and right in the middle of stores to distract them. Its worked on every child I have met. It doesn't matter - as long as I tell a story about something important to the listener. So, for my two year old its garbage trucks. And to a crowd - I jump from dinosaur to princess to trains made out of candy.

And, if you are thinking you aren't a story teller - just start trying it. It will be hard to come up with crazy tales the first few times. But, you'll get better at it. Who knew - you needed practice to make up fantastical stories.

Anyhow, I thought I would share a my own moment!

Painting: The Boyhood of Raleigh by John Everett Millais

Use Your Words

When my child and another child are both trying to go for the same thing - be it a toy, the slide or climbing apparatus - I feel as long as they aren't pushing and shoving that it is ok to let them alone and have them work it out between the two of them with words...What do you think is the right thing to do?

If they using their words - great! Sit back and enjoy!

The phrase I say from morning to night is "Use your words...use your words." I say "use your words" when kids are crying, whining, pushing, jumping, and definitely fighting. Most little kids forget to "use their words" - a reminder is necessary.

But I would suggest if they are pretty little, even if they have the words, they don't know the right words. They don't know the ones that will fix the problem. So, if you can help them before the problem gets huge - why not? Hurry to their side like their very own superego...whisper the magic phrase, "Use your words."

If playground play is extra hard for your little one - then roll play at home with stuffed animals. Help them practice so they have the tools they need.

Let's face it - by the time I get to the park I'll I want to do is sit back and let them play. Anyhow, what do you think is the right thing to do?

Painting: Snap the Whip by Winslow Homer

Labels are for Jam Jars

I had no idea that I was guilty of this. I wouldn't dream of calling my kids lazy or dumb - but here's the thing: labeling doesn't only apply to negative labels - it applies to positive labels as well.

Jeffrey Holland said, "You may say most positively that "Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright," but all Susan will remember is that she isn't bright and Sandra that she isn't pretty." This is why labeling is dangerous - it seems to pigeonhold a child.

For example, here are phrase and labels I have been guilty of using...
"You are such a great helper."
"What a great artist you are!"
"You are so athletic."
"Wow, you are such a smart boy."

Ok, I know what you are thinking, if I can't say those to praise my child, what can I say? This is what I learned...it is much more powerful to describe the action. So instead of saying something about being a helper, try describing whatever they did to help..."You are so great at putting your toys away in the basket when I asked you. I really needed your help. Thank you." Or when they bring you a finished art project, "Wow, I love the way you colored such thick lines here - and I love the circles over in this corner - I love this color you chose!"

What this does is help children understand what makes them so great! It helps them identify and accurately process their actions. It will help them in school and in life. I know that even as adults we make this mistake, we may be the "creative" friend - but when we aren't feeling creative, we can feel without purpose.

I still say "helper" and fall into labels - but I have really seen that it is harmful. A child who thinks he is a "great writer" - may find himself confused when writing isn't easy for him when he's in school - but a child that knows he is "great at using adjectives" will understand his own talents.

It takes more time - but its pretty great! Thanks to Cheryl for some of these great thoughts!