Independent Walkers and Thinkers

Or The Treacherous Target Toy Aisle

I have a 17 month old boy. He likes to walk with me instead of being carried or being in a stroller, etc. He doesn't run away from me or anything, he just wants to do his own thing. I take my time with him and let him look, stop and do something but when I tell him to come, he never does unless I come take his arm (which usually results in the limp body trick).Are there any ways to help him obey my directions or is it too early to expect that???

It sounds like you've got a bright and independent little one! From the little bit you said, I would guess that obeying directions isn't really his style (yet). I think that you may have to help him decide that you want the same thing. Inspire his decision, make him believe that he decided it.

Example: Going to Target can be the longest experience of my life because the seven toy aisles take an hour to browse. But, if instead of saying, "Its time to go to the next aisle," I try something like feigning enthusiasm, runninh down the aisle exclaiming, "Look! Diego toys! Oh, wow, oh, look over here - Dora! I see Dora down here! Oh, look, this next aisle has even more toys! Come push this button, you've got to see what this Scoop can do!" Doing it this way we can get through the treacherous Target toy aisle in ten minutes! I set the tone and they were none the wiser.

So, I would suggest you lean down and whisper in his ear (almost like a secret) what you want him to do. Here are some words to try: "I just remembered there is a red fire truck in the car - I wonder where the car is?" OR "I see a big yellow bus over there - I wish I could see it" (the bus or other vehicle would be closer to your destination) OR "What is that over there? I wish I knew?"

Of course, I would start introducing the idea of following directions. Pick one or two things that are really important and just don't budge. So, if he wants to walk then be sure that when you come to a street you explain that he needs to hold your hand you you need to hold him. Give him to options and then if he doesn't choose, you choose. And just stick with it. It doesn't matter if the street is empty - its about principle. So, pick a few things (few being the key word) and don't budge. It will help him as he gets older to know that when you say something you really mean it!

Good luck!

Painting: Garden at Vétheuil by Claude Monet

Becoming a New Mom

Originally Posted 7/3/07

I'd love any advice on surviving (& enjoying) the first months after your first baby is born. Any tips, thoughts, suggestions that you wish you had known before diving into motherhood? Everyone says to "enjoy your sleep now" and "go to the movies with your husband", but what about the day to day reality of having a new little person in your life?

First, its so wonderful. There is really something remarkable about babies.

But, in truth, there is also a lot of awkwardness as well. And knowing about the awkward, less than marvelous moments help prepare you for the truth of it all. So, in the name of truth...here are things I wish I knew.

1. Newborns take forever to eat. So literally, out of three hours, babies nurse an hour of that. A third of your entire day is nursing (or bottle feeding). And its really awkward and painful at first. So just hang in there. Did I mention its painful - I would say far worse than birth - but it often gets over looked!

2. You have to wear a bra 24 hours a day. Especially at first, your body produces a lot of milk, and if you don't want to wake up soaking wet - you wear a bra to bed (with your Lansinoh disposable breast pads - hands down the best). So be sure to buy at least one nursing bra without an under wire.

3. You will be doing laundry every moment of every day. I swear - babies spit up on every piece of available cloth - and you! - so keep the extra blankets from the showers - they will come in handy! And be prepared to change clothes a lot - its not the baby clothes that fill up the washer - it will be your clothes.

4. Those mean doctors - literally they will cut a slice out of your baby's foot (heal to be precise). Apparently little finger pricks aren't enough. About a week after your baby is born - there is one blood test that literally starts with a slice. I was so shocked - I wish I would have known. (Oh, and I really liked my doctor - just not the 4cm heal slice.)

5. You cannot hold your newborn too much. I remember feeling worried I was starting off spoiling my child with all the family attention - and then I would literally hold him through most of his naps to help him sleep. But, don't worry, you can't even dream of spoiling them until they are six months old. Just help them feel secure! Its ok, hold them as much as you want.

6. It's so busy. The first few weeks you will really wonder how to do it all. So, keep expectations of yourself really low. Making dinner was really too much for me in the beginning...so don't feel like a failure. Give yourself two months to do nothing but get accustomed to the new routine.

7. It's so slow. That just sounds awful. But, after you get the routine of it all, you find yourself with extra time. Babies just sleep a lot. I loved to read with the extra time - but if you don't - plan projects for yourself. Things in the house. Buy some cook books - and think about trying out new recipes. Start a journal. Plan a trip. Just know that you will have a lot of down time.

8. Baby gear - there is so much and its hard to know what is important. Maybe people can expand on the gear topic...but I know that a changing table is surprisingly nice. Your back really starts to ache after using your bed so many times - its just at an awkward height. Oh, and I did really love my rocking chair - but be sure to get soft sides!

Painting: Mother and Child by Gustav Klimt

Computer Play

No one told me about this type of thing when I had a little one...so in case you didn't know there are great keyboard-a-rama games. You know, when you push the "T" on the keyboard you Tickle Elmo on the screen. This is great for little fingers who can push one key at a time all the way up to kids who are learning their numbers.

Click Below to try...

Sesame Street Workshop

Fisher Price - Learn Your ABC's

Anyhow, there are a ton, if you have a great one you should share!

Picture: Flowers by Andy Warhol

Hansel and Gretel Style or How to Cure Clinginess

My one year old is entering a really clingy phase. He used to play really well on his own, but now he follows me around and pulls on my pant legs and cries. He really just wants to be held or engaged. All. Day. Long. So is this a normal--and temporary--phase? Is there anything I can do? I'm not sure if I should ignore him (it doesn't seem to make him stop) or if I should indulge him. Any suggestions?

Normal. Totally Normal. But "normal" doesn't make it enjoyable.


I vote for something in between indulging and ignoring...


Remember when your baby would happily play with the remote like it was the greatest toy alive. It would genuinely consume him for an hour; or at least until he sat it down because he saw that the chair was near and he needed to experience that too. Well, I'm sorry to say, that those days are sadly more behind than ahead of you. Because your baby's memory is developing it isn't as interesting to play with the same toys all of the time. In fact, to play really well, he has to be really interested.


I'm all about "sorting and classifying" my toys. For example: the puppets, the playdough, the blocks, the cars, the Little People, the foam puzzles, etc. all have their own spot. And when its play time, I get down one thing. The puppets - for a one year old it would be just a five-ish minute play. And then (here's the key) I take it away before it gets boring. Then, give him the blocks and again, take it away while he's still wanting more. I know it takes some work - but the idea is to start stretching their play time. Its a learned (not innate ability) to sit and entertain yourself.


Ok, second part, you need to start creating some distance. Not all at once - because his memory is just learning that when you leave you might not come right back. So, you want to help him understand what happens when you exit the room. So, plop that fun toy down and hurry towards the exit to the room - but don't go out. Just watch him far enough away that he can still see you. Then, everyday scoot farther back. Literally, a big step at a time. And try and come back before he wants you. Try to switch the toys fast enough that he doesn't have time to get worried about the distance.


This may seem like a lot of juggling of toys and you - but if you work on it for two weeks consistently you'll start to see a change.


At one point, sit out of the room so that he can feel comfortable playing and just seeing a leg. And then, for awhile, be right outside or around a corner. So, that if he crawls to find you, you are right there. I'm not really big on hurrying to them when they cry because they are missing you -- because it sends the message that if "I cry she'll come faster." So I like to let him come to me...and then pretend that you barely notice his cry - just his presence.


Finally, I'd put a few extra awesome toys in his path. Hansel and Gretel style - but instead of bread crumbs leave out a kitchen pot or a set of measuring cups. A few things to slow him down will stretch the time he is away from you. Little by little, he'll trust that you aren't far if you aren't visible.

Sorry for the novel :)

Painting: Carnations by John Singer Sargent

"Boy and Girl Stuff"

i have a darling 3 year old boy. he LOVES his blankie and could carry it around everywhere. but, we've limited it only to the house. for the last 8 or so months, he LOVEs wrapping his blanket around him like a "skirt". i thought this was cute at first but now, he does it ALL THE TIME. my question is...should i IGNORE this completely and try not to teach him about "boy" and "girl" stuff--is it destructive to label stuff for a girl or boy? i know this doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, but it really has started to bug me...what do you think i should do, if anything?!

First, I would say, don't really worry. Three is the time they really start to mirror their world. And you are his world. So, wearing a skirt doesn't mean anything to him. In fact, I would avoid saying things like, "skirts are for girls" because it only draws attention to it and he probably doesn't really understand the concept of girls vs. boys (sure he can point out girls and boys, but it doesn't mean what it means to us). So, he could be doing it out of exploration. ie. When I do this - mommy notices in a different way then when I finish a puzzle, hmmm.

Second, I want to validate how you feel. Its ok that you think about it a lot. And of course, you'll love him no matter what. You will just want to be careful about how you express your worries. So, I've tried to think of some solid ideas...I'm thinking that you could try being positive. For example, my little boy's favorite color was purple - purple, purple and more purple. And I would always say, "What a royal color" - because purple is indeed a royal color. So, when he wears it like a skirt you could say, "You look like a knight wearing a tunic - wow, you really make a great knight." Just think of all the kilt wearing men and tunic wearing kings, knights, peasants. Just express it the way you would like him to have it perceived.

Third, if its time to start making the blanket smaller, Kevin Henkes has a great book about a little boy named Owen who takes his blanket everywhere. Its a cute book where the mom ends up cutting the blanket into four smaller pieces so that he can take them everywhere. Its a cute idea, when the time is right. Its also an un-skirtable size if that's a solution that would work for you.

Fourth, really, don't worry! And don't label girl/boy stuff - they start doing it themselves at four or five anyhow.

Anyhow, good luck! Thanks for asking!

Painting: "Portrait of Artist's Son" by Järnefelt

Knights Templar Tapestry

You Brush My Teeth, I'll Brush Yours

My sister is in town; aren't Aunties the best?! Anyhow, my boys aren't the most enthusiastic teeth brushers -- so I asked her to do it (hee, hee).

Anyhow, I walked in on my little ones brushing her teeth. She had done a swap -- what a genius idea. She did theirs first and they got to do her's as the reward.

Thought I would pass it along - so simple - but really great!

Fragment of a Tapestry or Wall Hanging, ca. 1420–1430German; Made in Basel, Upper Rhine ValleyTapestry weave: wool on linen; 33 7/16 x 29 1/2 in. (85 x 75 cm)The Cloisters Collection, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Plan Ahead

About three months ago, I thought to myself, "I should have some Children's Benadryl at home just in case." And four days ago, when I had a little boy break out in head to toe hives I was so grateful. Its just one of those things - you never know how allergic your child will be and when something bad could happen. Anyhow, I was just glad and thought I would pass along a big sigh.

PS. Hives are white or red raised rashes that can be on any part of the body. Yuck - I hate them so.

Anyhow, if you have a good plan ahead medical suggestion, please share!

Painting: Slumber by William Bouguereau

Crib Escapees

my toddler (under two) just learned how to scale his crib effortlessly. I feel it is too young for a big bed, especially since he has a hard time "resting". Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Annie, I just have to say, sorry...I have been soooo slow...trust me, its been a crazy month of strep throat and hives. You've probably solved your problem...

I know two people that love their tent for the crib - solved all their problems.

I haven't had a chance to use it - but I'm afraid to say that a big bed might be your best answer. Get a child proof handle for the inside of the bedroom - genius idea I saw a friend do. So, even if they aren't napping they can have some quiet time.

And you can click here to see some ways to transition.

Good luck!

The Best Trick I Know

I feel like I should share the best parenting tool I ever learned. I can't even tell you where or when I discovered it, but it is probably the one thing that I use every day.

I'll call it - Giving Choices.

So, this is how it works. Instead of saying, "Come and eat!" I say, "Its time to eat, do you want to walk to the table or do you want me to carry you there?"

The first option is often met with a flat out - no. But, somehow using different words helps children cooperate - it gives them a choice.

Here are a few more examples...

Instead of, "Its time to come inside" (which seems so simple to say but kids never just do it) Try starting the same way, but add a choice..."Its time to come inside. Would you like to walk up the stairs all by yourself or do you want me to hold your hand?"

Instead of, "Its time to get out of the tub," try something like, "Would you like to take out the plug now or do you want me to?"

Instead of "Get dressed!" I say, "Its time to get dressed - do you want me to pick the clothes today or do you want to?"

Instead of "Pick up your toys!" I could say, "'Its time to pick up your toys; do you want to put them away fast or slow?" If the answer is fast you could set a timer.

Be sure to give two options you can live with - but it is really the best trick I know. Anyhow, whenever you are given a flat out - no - just rephrase. Try the option thing instead of reasoning.

When I was growing up there were some Saturdays my mom would ask us to either clean up our rooms or dance with her...so here's to dancing and having fun. Choices can be fun!

Painting: The Village Girl and The Imaginative Boy both by Robert Henri - who I love by the by

Books, Books, Books - Five

Everytime I read a book to a non-reader, I take my magic finger and touch each word in the title. I don't do it for the whole book - but always the title and title page. Right now, my little two year old is starting to recognize a few letters. So, I'll also stop in the middle of the story and say as if though I have just found a pot of gold, "Look, I just found a "D" on this page" - letters are more fun when they are a part of a hide and seek game.

Tantrums While Babysitting

My niece (who I will be watching for the next 8 days) is 2 and throws tantrums anytime they leave a "fun" place- friends houses, parks etc... Should I just ignore her and pick her up and put her in the car??? Advice???

Its hard when its not your child - because you aren't going to be able to make a permanent change - its more about coping.

I would suggest one simple plan. Anytime you go somewhere "fun" - before you get out of the car go over the plan and lay out your expectations. Here's a simple sample conversation:
"We are going to get out of the car and play at the park. But, when I say,'Time to Go' you need to say,'Okay'! Can you practice saying ok for me?"
"Okay!"
"Can you say it louder?"
"Okay!!"
"Wow, that was great. If you can say okay that loudly when I say, 'Time to go,' then you can have an Elmo sticker when we get back in the car."
When it is two minutes to departure, say something like...
"I am going to say, 'Time to Go' in two minutes and if you say Okay really loudly and get into the car with a happy smile then you can have your sticker!"
And then with one minute to go...
"I am going to say, 'Time to Go' in one minute and if you say Okay really loudly and get into the car with a happy smile then you can have your sticker!"
And then...
"It's Time to Go!"

I would get Elmo stickers, Princess stickers...something that they are into. You can even stretch the warnings to five minutes.

Anyhow, if it doesn't work, be prepared to scoop and go. And if there are still tears, when you get in the car remind her that she didn't get a sticker, but that if she can say Okay happily the next time, then she can have one. Don't over think it - but if you stick to your plan she will probably learn that you aren't someone who is going to give in. And you'll have a happier week in the end.

Good luck!

Picking

What would be your advice on how to stop a 3 yr old from picking her lip? Audrey has developed this nervous habit and now has a continuous cycle of scabs and bleeding. She doesn't respond to discipline with it and even has run out of the room to pick while I'm not looking...

Whatever it takes. I would start by putting bandaids on each and every finger (that makes it harder to take off the others). Or putting gloves on her hands.

Anyhow, I am guessing that you solved the problem because I've been really slow in responding. So, let us know what worked for you!

Picture: The Calmady Children by Sir Thomas Lawrence

Biting

I think I have a biter. Lucy is just 10 months and she leads with her mouth when she climbs on things. When she climbs on us, many times she bites us. Also, a few times when we've told her 'no' she'll turn to us and try to bite. Most of the time she doesn't realize she's doing it -like when she's climbing on us-but I'm constantly nervous because I've been bit so many times already?

So my main goal in anything to do with parenting - is to really communicate an idea. You want your children to learn because they understand. And its hard to get little ones to understand.

A silly, simple solution is to put her own arm in the way of her biting mouth. This is a way to help them understand the consequence. Saying, "Ouch," when nothing is hurting them doesn't really make a lot of sense. But, if they see that what they are doing isn't fun. Of course, there are some kids who seem to hurt themselves when they are angry - banging their heads, biting their arm...and if your child does this - then I wouldn't use this idea. Because they need to learn how to be kind to their bodies. Isn't it interesting how different we all are...

I also try to keep their mouth open and not let them bite at all. Pushing down on their lower teeth - and saying calmly, "Teeth are for biting food, not people."

What do you do?

Parenting Books

In the previous post you mentioned there are not many child rearing books you like. What are the few you do suggest? Any books from tantrums, to potty training to activities...I need to read up and get prepared for toddlerhood and beyond!

Someone once had this same question - but I've never answered it here. Here's what I told her...

Most of my parenting ideas are my own silly theories; what I learn from talking to other parents and just experimenting with what works. I am fairly opinionated - but my strongest opinion is: there is not one right way to raise children because every child is so different. There's just not a best or a better.

Anyhow, having said that, people occasionally ask for a book recommendation. And the truth is I don't know - but I did read this one: The New First Three Years of Life by Burton L. White. And I have had more people ask for its name. Here's maybe why...
It suggests that the first three years are the most important of life (in all truth, I think that whatever age your child is "now" is the most important time but I like to read about how important the first few are because some days it doesn't feel that way)
It suggests that we not even worry about teaching or disciplining before a child is six months - just love them, love them!

It reminds us that at nine months children reach a happy plateau, they will play with one toy on and on, laugh and entertain themselves. But its important not to take advantage of this time; before they get bored and start fussing remembering to switch their toy or move them to another activity. The idea is to prevent the demand cry - by giving the most attention when they are happily playing - instead of when they are crying. One way I interpreted this: if my baby started crying in his crib I would casually enter the room - not even looking at him - as if though the sunlight brought me in - not the crying. Once I did "notice" I would try and cheer them up in the crib (ie. playing peek a boo) before I got them out. And the second their little frown cracked into I smile I swoop them up with a "What a happy boy!".

The author suggests that preventing the terrible two's and tantrums is possible (and personally, I think that terrible two's are nothing compared to terrible three's so I really heeded this advice). There are a lot of suggestions - but one main thing is really sticking to your word. If you say I'll play with you in a minute - do. And if you say no more cookies and you are in the grocery store and tears have started - still don't give the cookies.

That's the flavor - a lot of every book like this is some silliness - which toys are good and which ones aren't - its really more about what works for you and the child.

I have also been asked - what next - if they are already three - then what. Your Child's Self-Esteem is by Dorothy Corkille Briggs. This is an older book with no quick fixes because its more preventative - how helping your child with self-esteem will help them with life. Its a bit hard to read and a little slow but really worth while - in fact, I like the concepts better. It reminds us that the way we talk to our children really matters - the actual words, the tones, and how they perceive it. For example, instead of saying, "Good Boy!" as praise - be specific about what makes them good,"You are so good at listening!" If you know Cheryl, she kept it on her bedside while raising her children.

Books, Books, Books - Four

Throw out the words for once. Don't read the story - invent a new one using the pictures. I would say follow a secondary character (for example the mouse in Goodnight Moon). Or if there is a toy that's in all of the pictures tell the story from the toy's point of view.

Why? Well, it mixes it up (I get so tired of some stories) AND it makes the books more three dementional.

Tantrums

Please help. My 10 month-old has begun throwing serious fits. He screams at the top of his lungs. He normally does it when he wakes up in the morning or when I am trying to get him to take his bottles. Do you have any suggestions?

I don't have many child rearing books I am a fan of...but The New First Three Years is really excellent. It suggests that the first three years are the most important of life (in all truth, I think that whatever age your child is "now" is the most important time but I like to read about how important the first few are because some days it doesn't feel that way).

One main idea is to prevent the demand cry - by giving the most attention when they are happily playing - instead of when they are crying. One way I interpreted this: if my baby started crying in his crib I would casually enter the room - not even looking at him - as if though the sunlight brought me in - not the crying. Once I did "notice" I would try and cheer them up in the crib (ie. playing peek a boo) before I got them out. And the second their little frown cracked into I smile I swoop them up with a "What a happy boy!"

Now here's the shocker...the author suggests that preventing the terrible two's and tantrums is possible (and personally, I think that if terrible two's are nothing compared to terrible three's if you haven't figured it out). There are a lot of suggestions - but one main thing is really sticking to your word. If you say I'll play with you in a minute - do. And if you say no more cookies and you are in the grocery store and tears have started - still don't get the cookies. Stick to your word - no matter what!

Here's the stinky thing, little ones will throw little tantrums - and its best to let it run its course - in other words ignore, ignore, ignore. I know that one of the best tools is to distract a fussy kid but I wouldn't use it here. Once a tantrum begins just walk away. You could try distract them a few minutes later by going into their bedroom and starting to play with their toys without them...have a lot of fun, "Mr. Garbage Truck can you smash all this garbage - crunch, munch," & other various boy noises that are untypeable.

But if it always is at the same time, I would try switching up the bottle time. Get the bottle out in a different place. Sit on the ground instead of the couch...it sounds like it could be habitual - so you just need to change the routine enough that it feels new.

That's just a start...good luck! Stay patient (that's the hardest part!) And I am sorry I am slow in publishing this - I thought I already had - so if you've already figured out a solution you'll have to let us know what worked!

Painting: Mother and Child by Raphael

Guest Blogger - Kyndra

Someone asked a question about baby gear. And I'm afraid that's where my expertise ends. So, I've done the best thing I can think of...ask Kyndra. I met Kyndra the first day I moved to Manhattan. And she has always been the kind of friend that knows - the good chocolate places, the great restaurants, the places to go and see and do. And let me tell you, she is a researcher. I remember when she was looking at strollers - she wasn't satisfied until she has searched every option (state side and abroad). She asks around - she tries them out. So, thank you so much gear gal for doing your homework so we can benefit!

I would very much be interested in hearing more on the gear subject. What really worked for everyone??

(see below for her answer)

Carriers by Kyndra

I remember seeing some people carrying their babies on their chests in a baby carrier and thinking, "That is so weird." When my brother's wife strapped their baby to his chest in a Snugli when we went to the mall one day together, my brother turned to me and said, "This is so embarrassing" and I must admit I was embarrassed to be seen with him because it seemed so ridiculous to be carrying a baby around on your chest. It just seemed so "earthy" and "primitive," and even unclassy to me at the time. And then I moved to New York and had a baby...

I have two children now and I swear by the importance of baby carriers. I think I didn’t put my second baby in a stroller more than 3 times before the age of 5 months. I carried him everywhere, and I still carry him 90% of the time now that he is 7 months old. I am a big fan of carriers because I believe they reduce fussiness, allow you to bond with your baby, help you to run errands with greater convenience, keep your baby safer, let your baby sleep better than in the stroller when you need to be on the go, and with a carrier you don’t need a double stroller just because you have two kids. Let me take you through my journey in baby carriers and also what I have come across in the land of mommies.

The Baby Bjorn My first Bjorn didn’t have a lumbar support and my back always hurt when I used it. I then upgraded to one with a lumbar support and it was better, but still not perfect with my baby as she got heavier and heavier. I would suggest not buying a Bjorn that doesn’t have the lumbar support because you’ll eventually wish you had it. There are other brands of carriers similar to the Bjorn style (Snugli for example) but everyone I have known with those brands covets the Bjorn’s comfort and ease. The Bjorn is great for younger babies (beginning with 8 pounds). They face inward to you and just fall asleep for hours – HOURS! When they can hold up their heads they can face outward and check out their world. It’s fun to hear the baby giggle and be excited about everything, and people on the streets love to see your baby’s face. I found that around 20 pounds my back couldn’t handle the weight of the baby anymore (even though it is safe up to 25 pounds), so that is when I packed my Bjorn away.

My second carrier was the Kelty Tour. I had a few friends suggest this so I gave it a try. I liked that my daughter was high up and looking at the world, but I didn’t find this convenient. I didn’t like that I couldn’t carry other things with me when I had her in this. It was bulky, uncomfortable, hit people on the subways, and didn’t give me the full freedom I was looking for. I also felt like I needed to go get a massage after wearing it for more than an hour. So I donated this to a church yard sale and was done with it. Some people like this though, but I won’t recommend it after finding something better…

One day my life changed. My friend told me about the Ergo Baby Carrier. I immediately looked up their website and purchased the carrier. I think I found heaven when I found this carrier. Life has never been the same. This carrier was different than the others. Whereas the others had my baby hanging by the crotch and pulling straps on my shoulders, this had my daughter in an actual sitting position around my waist, which then distributed the weight to my hips – NOT my shoulders! I could also wear her on my back (for hiking), my hip (for times I wanted to talk to her and be about walking), or my front (which is easiest for everyday errands so I can still wear a backpack and sit with her on the subway). Also, this carrier holds up to 40 pounds! I like that this carrier has pockets on the front big enough for my wallet, subway card, and 2-3 diapers and wipes! I was a free woman! I carried my 32 pound daughter on a 7 mile hike through hills and trails with this and never was sore or tired of carrying her. I love taking this traveling because I carry my baby in it through the airport, then fold it up in the overhead bin. This carrier has a head support that comes up and snaps behind your neck when the baby is in front, and snaps in some loops on the straps if the baby is in back. This is used when the baby sleeps and you don’t want their head bobbing around everywhere. The Ergo is good for babies beginning at 4-6 months. Before that you need an infant insert that lays them in sling-style in the carrier. I used the infant insert sometimes with my baby, but because I had a Bjorn I usually used that instead because it is more convenient when dealing with a newborn. However, if I were to only get one carrier, it would be the Ergo (or Beco below) with the infant insert.

A carrier extremely similar to the Ergo is the Beco Baby Carrier. From what I understand from others, it is almost identical in function to the Ergo, but the difference is that the head support is higher up so you don’t need the head support like the Ergo has. I do like the Ergo head support because it provides shade for the sleeping baby’s head, but with the Beco you can purchase a solar veil hood too. I also can’t tell, but from the information about it, I don’t think the Beco’s pocket in the front is as roomy as the Ergo, but I really don’t know for sure. The fact that there is a pocket is still wonderful since most carriers don’t have one. I must say that there is quite a cute range of prints that the Beco comes in so it is very hip and stylish, but here is something to remember when picking your print: no self respecting husband is going to wear a girly flower print baby carrier, so pick one you know your husband will be willing to don! Also, the Beco has an infant insert just like the Ergo for newborns.

Another option in baby carriers is the sling. There are so many slings on the market, and almost all of them are similar in design and everyone seems to be happy with their slings, so I don’t think there is any ONE I can recommend. Check out Baby Center’s website with reviews about slings (and other products!) and just decide on the one you think is cutest and has a pocket for your keys, phone and wallet essentials. The sling is good for the first 3-5 months and then you will probably want to switch to a more substantial carrier when the baby is heavier and can wiggle around more.

I hope this helps! I love baby carriers and think it is a shame that the stroller market has taken away from the bonding time a mother and baby could be having. There is a time and a place for strollers, but for me, option one is always the carrier. Does that make me “earthy?”

Hitting

my 11-month-old hits. he's done it since he was little, but mostly when he was excited and couldn't control his arms. well, now he can (control his arms) and he still hits. but it's not when he's excited anymore. when he's mad or frustrated, he smacks us. the worst is that he hits my older son (3). i put him down on the floor and tell him in a firm voice "we don't hit" and walk away. it makes him cry but it's the only thing i can think of...only it doesn't work. any suggestions?

Hitting...I remember thinking that I would need to worry about hitting from my toddler - but nope, you are right, it's the baby who is wildly hitting that seems harder to teach.

Take a step back and work on the problem from a new angle (I think the angle you are working is perfect). Here are just a few more thoughts...

Try. Talk to the three year old. You will want to make sure that no matter how many times he is hit, that he won't start hitting back (because an older child just hits harder). So, I like to think of it as suring up the foundation. Ask him, "What should we do when baby hits?" or laugh with him "Baby just hit me...I think he doesn't know how to use his arms yet. They swing so wild - its like he's a windmill (do the windmill action)." Help him laugh at the baby's actions - its so much easier to deal with things when we don't feel attacked. This way you can have a meaningful look with him, when he does get hit.

Maybe. Sometimes giving his hands something else to do - when babies are first learning that hitting motion - I like to direct it into a clap. Something you can do constructively. But, he may have passed the stage that this is helpful.

Something else. Give him a box or drum to bang on. When he feels like swinging calmly remind him that hands aren't for hitting, but for playing drums or giving hugs. Really give him a lot of attention while he is hitting the drum.

Perhaps. This is my person plan with babies. I would scoop up your three year old and without a second thought leave the room and as you walk away calmly say "We can't play with Sam when he is hitting." Sometimes the best punishment is taking yourself away.

Also. I think modeling is so helpful. If he hits and causes tears - have him look at your crying son and say, "Hitting makes John feel so sad." Then help him use his arms to be soft on your arm. "Being soft makes Mommy so happy."

There's a start, what else works for hitting?

Painting: A Chinese Baby by Mary McMullin

Books, Books, Books - Three

When you have an itty bitty, non-crawler at home there seems to be a lot of time for staring. You stare at the baby, the baby stares back -- there's a lot of it. So, one of my favorite things to do was to prop my baby on his tummy and prop books all around them. You know - turn the baby blanket into a museum of Sandra Boynton, Spot, and Maisy illustrations. And as they stare at the colors and characters you will find they have favorites at such an early age. And I always tend to fill my library with the favorites!

New People and Places

I'm a little worried about the way that my 3 year old interacts with other kids and unfamiliar situations. For example, she will not play at the playground unless she has a friend there that she already knows well. She seems so anti-social around people she doesn't know, yet is one of the most social and friendly kids amongst her friends. Is there anything I can do to help the situation, or will she just grow out of it?

Making friends is hard - I mean I'm a lot older than 3 and its hard for me. It seems to take a year in a new city before I feel like I have a good friend...so I can only imagine how hard it is for little ones.

So, in a word she'll grow out of it - but I think its more like, she'll learn out of it. She just needs to the tools and actions for new situations and people.

Here's a few ideas...

1. Prepare her. As you walk to the park have start the conversation. But, not just saying there are new kids, I would try saying that you invited new kids to the park. Make her feel like you are in control..."We are going to the park and I invited a lot of friends to the park. But, they are just learning how to play in the sand. As soon as we park the stroller. Will you jump out and start playing in the sand to show the other kids how to do it..." Just like grown-ups, sometimes its easier to think about someone else rather than ourselves, its just less stressful somehow. It also helps to spell out a specific action.

2. Tell a story. On the way to the park, tell a story about the time you were on a tire swing and didn't know one of the girls. Tell her how it made you giggle and made you want to swing hirer.

3. Give her an extra security. If she is willing to talk about the fear you could help appease it by giving her a special friend. You know, if she has a little plastic Elmo or Dora, have her put her friend (aka toy) in her pocket. Its an Indian in the Cupboard inspired idea, but sometimes it helps to know that you aren't alone.

4. Help her feel like the star. It doesn't matter where or when, it seems to help kids if they feel like they are the central figure. So, when you get to the park, remind her "Wow, all of these kids came here today - I bet they were hoping they could see you!" Or to a class "I bet they were waiting to start for you." Basically, help them feel like they are needed!

5. Be her ambassador. The next few times you go to the park, pretend like you are her playmate. And follow her around making friends and talking to the little kids. And say to the new little girl, "Do you like Dora? I like Dora, too! Look at my pink socks." Really, just model the conversation of a three year old for her. If you pretend to get excited and then talk about it on the way home, your job may just be done! Of course, just try the following around thing for a few times - because who are we kidding - we want the park to be a break, not a new challenge!

6. Routine. And in the end, even if little words and conversations don't make huge changes (although they could) repetition is the best. Make an effort to go where its most challenging a lot and frequently - because they will figure it out!

What do you think of these ideas? Hopefully they are the easy-to-try kind!

Painting: Hands Holding Bouquet by Pablo Picasso

Nursing & Spit Ups

My darling son is 14 weeks old and he's been breastfeeding exclusively...I want to continue to breastfeed him but with his "every-three-hour" feedings, he seems to still act hungry BUT he seems to spit up SO MUCH OF HIS FEED! How do I know when to feed him less often?

If you've been feeding him every three hours already - I can say with much assurance that he will not eat less often until he starts solids (4-6 months is the average start of rice cereal, of course, just set a plan with your doctor). And even then, there is still food or drink every three hours.

But, there are a few things you can do if a baby is spitting up a lot. So, start the experimenting...

1. Burping. A pre-burp and a during burp added to the final burp can help. Bubbles make a tummy no fun for keeping food down. So, try doing more burping - and try different methods. The pat on the back seems the most common, but was always least effective. I am a fan of a firm rub from the lower back up. I also like putting them on their tummy on my lap and patting or doing the firm rub in that position (of course, if your baby is prone to a lot of spitting up, keeping them upright is helpful).

2. Diet. I know no one wants to hear it, but chocolate and caffeine can really effect your milk. So, if you try eliminating different foods and see how they do 6-12 hours later, you can sometimes draw correlations. Try a totally bland day of carbs to start and if you notice a difference in the amount of spit up, you'll know that your baby cares. I hope for your sake, that chocolate and spicy foods are 100% A OK!

3. Feed them less. So, you'll still need to feed them every three hours, but try feeding them one minute less than they normally eat. It makes sense that as they get older they get better and better at nursing. So, it should take less and less time. I found that eliminating just a few minutes significantly made a change in the amount of spit up.

That's a start--I hope it helps!

Painting: Baby John Being Nursed by Mary Cassatt

Books, Books, Books - Two

For a crawling baby, I like to leave a trail of books when I leave the room. If you prop them up on your favorite page every few feet, it stalls them as they stop to knock them over and occasionally they even look at the illustrations. It seems to be a great way to also help them ease away from you and start developing independent play. So, many babies start to get nervous when you leave the room, but a book trail is a happy marriage of literature and distraction.

Biting

My son has a friend (both are almost 2 1/2 years old) who has bitten him twice. It doesn't seem like his mom does anything for a consequence beside maybe a short "timeout". Should I say anything? How do you handle this type of situation? I am really at a loss!

One of the worst moments was when my child was bitten in the cheek - such a deep bite that he had bruises for several weeks where each of the teeth connected. It's the worst. So, I know. I know. But sometimes being bitten can turn a child into a biter - monkey see, monkey do. So, here's both sides of the coin...

To the bitten: I would say, the next few playdates, never leave your son's side. See what's triggering the biting and you stop him before it happens. If it happens more than once you can always use this phrase, "I think us being here is hard on Ben, so we'll play again another time." Of course you will be thinking something different, but by leaving right after it happens, it sends the message to the child -- friends go when I bite.

I would also talk to the mom, in a non confrontational way. Try one of these questions "What's the best way to help a child stop biting, I'm worried about it with my child." -- sometimes asking the person with the problem for advice helps bring it to their attention - its also nice to feel like we are in this together instead of finger pointing. OR "You'll never believe but my child keeps being bitten (you don't have to mention its only their child doing the biting) he's turning into a pin cushion for teeth. You'll have to help me watch him - do you think its because he doesn't know how to play with other children?" Again, bringing it to the attention and asking them to help look will help them catch their child faster and hopefully prevent it.

But, in the end, if its too much, you can just postpone playdates for awhile. Biting is usually a phase that will go away. But, never be afraid to talk about it. I think the more practice we get with situations like this will help us one day when our then teenager crashes the neighbors car.


To the biter: Make sure that you don't just send your child to timeout - if a bite has happened - help them see the pain or tears they caused. Really help them see the consequence of how sad they make someone. Do it quickly, firmly, and then give all your attention to the child who was bitten. You don't want to reward the child inadvertently by giving them too much attention. A lot of bad patterns can be changed quickly, but I have never found a quick solution. It takes a couple weeks of constantly reminding the child not to bite (because they are so little it takes repetition and constant vigilance to make it stick).

You can also try pushing their lower teeth down if you catch them in the act.

Good luck!

Painting: The Weeders by Jules Breton

Toy Rotation

What is your method of toy rotation that I have heard you mention?

Toy rotation is basically like always having new toys. I really do it in two degrees...

First degree: Its nice to have the playdough, the train, the blocks, the little people, the puppets, in separate closets (or at least up high enough that the kids can't get them). Then, to fill the hours of the day - you can get down different activities - for some reason, closet toys are just more exciting.

Second degree: This is more serious - and permanent. I divided my toys in half and put half of them in those big clear tupperware boxes - even the good and bigger things - the cash register, the little people farm and zoo, etc. And then, on a rainy day or a boring day, I get a box down. I take off the lid and let my little ones at it - and it usually fills two hours - simply playing and rotating. They play so happily with new toys.

A possible third degree: I never did this on a big scale - but I still have aspirations. Trading toys with a friend - just because new toys are so much fun. You would have to work out how long - I would say a minimum month.

Painting: The Orange Gatherers by John William Waterhouse

Books, Books, Books - One

So, I feel like everyone agrees that getting kids to read, and to love reading, is a valued goal. So, I am going to do occasional reading ideas - you know - something to augment what you already do with your books. Something to get excited about, one at a time. Here's the first...

Use your books as backdrops - literally prop open the book. And then use the little people or dolls or puppets and have them act in front of the book. So, if your little people can visit to the dump if you are reading I Stink or pretend to borrow earrings to wear from Fancy Nancy. Sometimes a book is most fun when it doesn't even feel like a book - its better, because its a place!

Back to School

If you have a young child who thinks about everything: worrying and planning - or if they are new to school in kindergarten or just a new district - then be sure to help them prepare. Here are a few ideas...

One way is to take the big wheels to campus and let them ride around and around to become familar with the new place.

Test out the playground with them.

Pack a few practice lunches - just so they get in the habit the week before.

Make sure they know their address and phone number!

Painting: Mother and Child by George Romney

Saying Goodbye

How do you leave a friend's house (or other fun place) without tears?

Time to leave the park, or a friend's house, or anything fun can sometimes be tricky. Here are a few suggestions other than the five minute warning (which is the great standard and works perfectly for some children)...

1. Say Goodbye - pick them up say, "It's time to say goodbye to the sand." Then tell them to say, "Goodbye sand" and then you say, "Goodbye sand" and quickly start looking around the park saying goodbye to literally, everything! Goodbye slide, fence, pink sand bucket, swings, Lindsay, Jose, the leaves...the longer the list the better - because saying goodbye becomes the game. And then when they are already in your arms, its easier to get them into their carseat or stroller.

2. Practice Makes Perfect - when you give them the five minute warning, also give them an expectation ie. "We are going to leave in five minutes, when I say, 'Its time to leave' I want you to say, 'Okay, mom!' Will you practice saying it one time for me right now." For some reason if they have said "OK" already - it is so much easier. And they actually understand the expectation. And its great, when your child says, "OK" so cheerfully - you almost forget you just asked them to!

3. Whisper - You can apply this to both the above or try it on its own. It always seems better to ask in a whisper - for some reason it resonated more clearly - the contrast against the loud friend's house or park. They can actually hear it - when the problem can be they are so busy they don't hear.

4. Back Door - Ok, so sometimes you need to plan a get away, a back door approach, if you will. Bring something special in the car or stroller they don't know about - a toy they haven't played with for awhile. A treat, something that means something of great import. Then, instead of saying goodbye or saying that its time to go, tell them that its time to start something new - time to go play with the new Dora toy or whatever. So, this is a little bit of linguistics and a lot of planning ahead. But, if its really hard it might be worth it.

5. Paci/Blankey - I say use these things to your advantage when they are young. Its a bit of the same as above - but basically don't let them have their pacifier or blanket until its time to go. And use the words, "Its time to go check on Pacifier" - and you say the goodbyes.

What else works?


Painting: Considering a Swim by Lindsay Dawson

my philosophy

so here it is...there isn't a right way. there isn't a best way. there isn't an i'm better you are worse way. if every child is unique (which they are) and every mother is unique (which they are) then there are a unique combinations of mother + child. which really means, to me, that the way you parent should be determined by what works for both the mother and child. so, switch it up as you go, as you learn, and as your children are so different.

Pacifier Pains

Angie, My son is 13 months old and still needs a pacifier to fall asleep. People are telling me it is too long to let him use it. I like it because it is an easy way to get him to sleep- I put him in his crib, give him his blanket and pacifier and walk away. I'm worried about weaning him, what do I replace it with? Is there ANY alternative to just taking it away and hearing him cry and cry for it??? Is there any problem with letting him keep it for another year or so? I'm ok with that because he doesn't have it in public, it stays in his crib. What are your ideas?

AND

Ang--me too. I've got a 2.7 year old that uses one to fall asleep for naps and at night only. And getting him to go to sleep is a piece of cake--as long as Paci is present. Paci has been such a good little helper for us, but it's definitely time to say goodbye come December. Any helps for a non-cry-it-out subscriber?

This is obviously one of the big ones. Lots of people care - and it isn't easy. Let me first say, that these two ages present two different situations. And for a baby 13 months old - there is a good chance that if you take away the paci too early he will replace it with a thumb or finger (and lets face it - that's waaay harder). Some children need to suck more than others - so if you are ready then keep reading - and if not, there really is no rush. Gum tension and all of that will pull the teeth back - I've witnessed it - some kids just have crooked teeth regardless. Do it when you are ready. And for me it was around 3 for one of my children - I had different expectations before children and then I got realistic.

But, to help the process - before you start I would definitely try and narrow the paci time to nap and bedtime. So, if your child has it in the car and grocery store - start weaning them slowly. Just pick one place at a time - and STICK TO IT! If you give in early, you'll help teach them that crying will solve it - so once you are ready, don't turn back!

So, I'll start with the crazy (i mean creative) idea first...poke a hole in the paci. A big enough hole so that it is hard to suck - and this could be enough for some kids - paci is broken (and 2nd paci and 3rd paci all at the same time). Give them the option to sleep with it or throw it away. If they throw it away - be sure to empty the garbage can because they will be back - help them watch the garbage truck take it far away.

Ok, that was ideally, but chances are they will want to keep it. So, here it is -- every three days cut the tip of the pacifier. Eventually, after a few weeks of cutting more and more off the tip, the pacifier will be down to a stub. Eventually, there will be nothing to suck - an unsuckable paci. But, it isn't because you took it away - that's the part that's nice. You aren't the bad guy. "Paci is broken - its getting so old..." and then "Lets do playdough!" - I really wouldn't indulge a lot of pacifier talk, because its really about an addiction and talking brings it to attention. And helping them keep their hands busy is one of the best things you can do.

So, if you don't want to do something that off the wall...

You could talk about it being time to get rid of paci for a solid week - and the conversation could be about where he wants to travel - should paci go sailing to Australia? or perhaps on a shuttle to the moon? or to go fight fires on a fire truck? Let your child help decide where he should go. Then build a rocket ship and have paci and the rocket disappear by morning...or take him to the fire station to give it to a fireman...this is perfect for kids that get into adventure. And then you can always say, "Paci is fighting fires - he wants to be here, but he is helping the firemen."

OR

The next time you loose it, don't buy it again. And help them fall asleep by holding their hand. It will take at least three nights that are really hard. They will ask about it - so sing them to sleep and just be with them. Don't take it away and then hope they will figure it out (even though they surely could it would just involve more tears - because the truth is there will be some tears either way - its really a hard transition). A really hard part it is that the paci is part of their behavior and routine of falling asleep. So, as the parent you get to help them learn that they can fall asleep on their own. If they have a blanket help them stroke the bridge of their nose with it. Give them a new behavior and just sleep with them if you don't want to cry it out.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes - and be sure to share your wise advise or even woes.

Painting: Water Lilies by Claude Monet - because face it, you need something soothing when you talk about this stuff...

Power of Placebo

A little boy would not go to sleep because his hand was hurting and a wise Grandpa warmed up a special something...he told the young boy to carefully drink the prepared drink. He warned the child that this drink would help his hand heal and that it would probably even cause him to fall asleep extra quickly. He told him to drink it slowly - it might not taste familiar. The drink worked. The boy felt calm and sleepy and his worries faded.

The drink was warm water and a little guava juice that had been in the fridge. And it worked because it really wasn't about a sickness or a pain - worries are sometimes the hardest to appease. Thank goodness for a simple placebo in a pinch.

Painting: Tea by James Jacques Joseph Tissot

Red, Red, Red

Someone recently asked about creative ideas - here's another one. I did this awhile ago - but I repeat it with different colors, different letters, and even shapes.
As the kick off to red week...

• For breakfast we had strawberries and raspberries in milk.
• For lunch we had red jello, apples, and jam sandwiches.
• For dinner we had pizza with tomato sauce and tomatoes on top.
• We played with red model magic.
• We painted red mixed-medium masterpieces (red crayon, red chalk, red pencils and paint).
• On our drive we shouted out every red thing we saw - red lights, stop signs, red Hummers, red signs, painted curbs, and the cherry on top - a blazing red fire truck.
• As we read, we hunted for red on each page - a Where's Waldoish with the color red. You get the picture - its just a way to say the word "red," over and over until your little one really gets it - its easy and fairly preparation free.

Painting: Yellow, Red, Red by Mark Rothko

Fists Full of Hair

My son is 9 months-old and he LOVES to pull hair. Is there anything I can do to teach him not to do it? I always feel really bad when he pulls others hair while they are holding him...

In my notice and experience - babies hands just love to grab and then stay in a fist. Its really what they are best at. So, with each new handful of hair you can say - wow, he is really getting good at that. What a talent...

Alright, that's not the answer you wanted - and I get it - but teaching a baby not to pull hair - that's a tough one.

But, I think it is avoidable. I've thought and thought - and here's my best solution. Before you let someone else hold him - you are going to have to fill his hands. Something small (not small enough to be a choking hazard) but enough to keep him interested and busy. So...those infant Tylenol bottles - the squeezy end - try that. Or a marker - you could even glue the lid on permanently if you were worried. But, if that's too Bob Dole, then you could try a rattle, or a string, or even a green bean.

Let us know if it works, and don't feel too bad. You can warn whoever you hand him too - but in all honesty - I kind of love a baby reaching up and grabbing my hair - so don't worry too much - because there are silly people like me out there!

Sketch: Leda by Leonardo DaVinci

Creative Play

Do you have a book of ideas or something that you use to think creatively? I'm always trying to think of things outside the pool, park, bubbles, playdoh, reading time etc.

No. Not really. But, a long time ago (pre-kids) I asked every mother I knew to make a list of their favorite activities. Things they really did - specifics. I compiled it and sorted it by age group and inside/outside activities.

So, putting food coloring in a spray bottle and decorating the snow was perfect - at the time. But now I'm in California and the snow thing isn't really helpful. So I need to compile a new one (and you can to -- wherever you are). It was really fun to see what different people wrote ie...

• giving all junk mail to the kids to play post office
• playing "restaurant" and writing your kids order down for lunch
• recording your voice (or Grandma's voice from far away) reading a story and letting them play it over and over
• letting them use teaspoons to measure water and put it in a bigger bowl
• drawing with glue and adding sand
• doing pictures by tearing paper only

I always try to think of one idea (just one) to do tomorrow - right as I am falling to sleep. Its the last thing on my mind.

There are also some good books - I usually just read them when I'm at the book store and store away an idea or two. But The Toddler's Busy Book and others by Trish Kuffner I like. They just seem more doable, I mean who really turns a potato into a clock?!

Oh, and I love the Rainy Day Activity Jar I read about on the Stitching Barn - but you could just use it always!


Painting: The Blind Girl by Sir John Everett Millais