New People and Places

I'm a little worried about the way that my 3 year old interacts with other kids and unfamiliar situations. For example, she will not play at the playground unless she has a friend there that she already knows well. She seems so anti-social around people she doesn't know, yet is one of the most social and friendly kids amongst her friends. Is there anything I can do to help the situation, or will she just grow out of it?

Making friends is hard - I mean I'm a lot older than 3 and its hard for me. It seems to take a year in a new city before I feel like I have a good friend...so I can only imagine how hard it is for little ones.

So, in a word she'll grow out of it - but I think its more like, she'll learn out of it. She just needs to the tools and actions for new situations and people.

Here's a few ideas...

1. Prepare her. As you walk to the park have start the conversation. But, not just saying there are new kids, I would try saying that you invited new kids to the park. Make her feel like you are in control..."We are going to the park and I invited a lot of friends to the park. But, they are just learning how to play in the sand. As soon as we park the stroller. Will you jump out and start playing in the sand to show the other kids how to do it..." Just like grown-ups, sometimes its easier to think about someone else rather than ourselves, its just less stressful somehow. It also helps to spell out a specific action.

2. Tell a story. On the way to the park, tell a story about the time you were on a tire swing and didn't know one of the girls. Tell her how it made you giggle and made you want to swing hirer.

3. Give her an extra security. If she is willing to talk about the fear you could help appease it by giving her a special friend. You know, if she has a little plastic Elmo or Dora, have her put her friend (aka toy) in her pocket. Its an Indian in the Cupboard inspired idea, but sometimes it helps to know that you aren't alone.

4. Help her feel like the star. It doesn't matter where or when, it seems to help kids if they feel like they are the central figure. So, when you get to the park, remind her "Wow, all of these kids came here today - I bet they were hoping they could see you!" Or to a class "I bet they were waiting to start for you." Basically, help them feel like they are needed!

5. Be her ambassador. The next few times you go to the park, pretend like you are her playmate. And follow her around making friends and talking to the little kids. And say to the new little girl, "Do you like Dora? I like Dora, too! Look at my pink socks." Really, just model the conversation of a three year old for her. If you pretend to get excited and then talk about it on the way home, your job may just be done! Of course, just try the following around thing for a few times - because who are we kidding - we want the park to be a break, not a new challenge!

6. Routine. And in the end, even if little words and conversations don't make huge changes (although they could) repetition is the best. Make an effort to go where its most challenging a lot and frequently - because they will figure it out!

What do you think of these ideas? Hopefully they are the easy-to-try kind!

Painting: Hands Holding Bouquet by Pablo Picasso

Nursing & Spit Ups

My darling son is 14 weeks old and he's been breastfeeding exclusively...I want to continue to breastfeed him but with his "every-three-hour" feedings, he seems to still act hungry BUT he seems to spit up SO MUCH OF HIS FEED! How do I know when to feed him less often?

If you've been feeding him every three hours already - I can say with much assurance that he will not eat less often until he starts solids (4-6 months is the average start of rice cereal, of course, just set a plan with your doctor). And even then, there is still food or drink every three hours.

But, there are a few things you can do if a baby is spitting up a lot. So, start the experimenting...

1. Burping. A pre-burp and a during burp added to the final burp can help. Bubbles make a tummy no fun for keeping food down. So, try doing more burping - and try different methods. The pat on the back seems the most common, but was always least effective. I am a fan of a firm rub from the lower back up. I also like putting them on their tummy on my lap and patting or doing the firm rub in that position (of course, if your baby is prone to a lot of spitting up, keeping them upright is helpful).

2. Diet. I know no one wants to hear it, but chocolate and caffeine can really effect your milk. So, if you try eliminating different foods and see how they do 6-12 hours later, you can sometimes draw correlations. Try a totally bland day of carbs to start and if you notice a difference in the amount of spit up, you'll know that your baby cares. I hope for your sake, that chocolate and spicy foods are 100% A OK!

3. Feed them less. So, you'll still need to feed them every three hours, but try feeding them one minute less than they normally eat. It makes sense that as they get older they get better and better at nursing. So, it should take less and less time. I found that eliminating just a few minutes significantly made a change in the amount of spit up.

That's a start--I hope it helps!

Painting: Baby John Being Nursed by Mary Cassatt

Books, Books, Books - Two

For a crawling baby, I like to leave a trail of books when I leave the room. If you prop them up on your favorite page every few feet, it stalls them as they stop to knock them over and occasionally they even look at the illustrations. It seems to be a great way to also help them ease away from you and start developing independent play. So, many babies start to get nervous when you leave the room, but a book trail is a happy marriage of literature and distraction.

Biting

My son has a friend (both are almost 2 1/2 years old) who has bitten him twice. It doesn't seem like his mom does anything for a consequence beside maybe a short "timeout". Should I say anything? How do you handle this type of situation? I am really at a loss!

One of the worst moments was when my child was bitten in the cheek - such a deep bite that he had bruises for several weeks where each of the teeth connected. It's the worst. So, I know. I know. But sometimes being bitten can turn a child into a biter - monkey see, monkey do. So, here's both sides of the coin...

To the bitten: I would say, the next few playdates, never leave your son's side. See what's triggering the biting and you stop him before it happens. If it happens more than once you can always use this phrase, "I think us being here is hard on Ben, so we'll play again another time." Of course you will be thinking something different, but by leaving right after it happens, it sends the message to the child -- friends go when I bite.

I would also talk to the mom, in a non confrontational way. Try one of these questions "What's the best way to help a child stop biting, I'm worried about it with my child." -- sometimes asking the person with the problem for advice helps bring it to their attention - its also nice to feel like we are in this together instead of finger pointing. OR "You'll never believe but my child keeps being bitten (you don't have to mention its only their child doing the biting) he's turning into a pin cushion for teeth. You'll have to help me watch him - do you think its because he doesn't know how to play with other children?" Again, bringing it to the attention and asking them to help look will help them catch their child faster and hopefully prevent it.

But, in the end, if its too much, you can just postpone playdates for awhile. Biting is usually a phase that will go away. But, never be afraid to talk about it. I think the more practice we get with situations like this will help us one day when our then teenager crashes the neighbors car.


To the biter: Make sure that you don't just send your child to timeout - if a bite has happened - help them see the pain or tears they caused. Really help them see the consequence of how sad they make someone. Do it quickly, firmly, and then give all your attention to the child who was bitten. You don't want to reward the child inadvertently by giving them too much attention. A lot of bad patterns can be changed quickly, but I have never found a quick solution. It takes a couple weeks of constantly reminding the child not to bite (because they are so little it takes repetition and constant vigilance to make it stick).

You can also try pushing their lower teeth down if you catch them in the act.

Good luck!

Painting: The Weeders by Jules Breton

Toy Rotation

What is your method of toy rotation that I have heard you mention?

Toy rotation is basically like always having new toys. I really do it in two degrees...

First degree: Its nice to have the playdough, the train, the blocks, the little people, the puppets, in separate closets (or at least up high enough that the kids can't get them). Then, to fill the hours of the day - you can get down different activities - for some reason, closet toys are just more exciting.

Second degree: This is more serious - and permanent. I divided my toys in half and put half of them in those big clear tupperware boxes - even the good and bigger things - the cash register, the little people farm and zoo, etc. And then, on a rainy day or a boring day, I get a box down. I take off the lid and let my little ones at it - and it usually fills two hours - simply playing and rotating. They play so happily with new toys.

A possible third degree: I never did this on a big scale - but I still have aspirations. Trading toys with a friend - just because new toys are so much fun. You would have to work out how long - I would say a minimum month.

Painting: The Orange Gatherers by John William Waterhouse

Books, Books, Books - One

So, I feel like everyone agrees that getting kids to read, and to love reading, is a valued goal. So, I am going to do occasional reading ideas - you know - something to augment what you already do with your books. Something to get excited about, one at a time. Here's the first...

Use your books as backdrops - literally prop open the book. And then use the little people or dolls or puppets and have them act in front of the book. So, if your little people can visit to the dump if you are reading I Stink or pretend to borrow earrings to wear from Fancy Nancy. Sometimes a book is most fun when it doesn't even feel like a book - its better, because its a place!

Back to School

If you have a young child who thinks about everything: worrying and planning - or if they are new to school in kindergarten or just a new district - then be sure to help them prepare. Here are a few ideas...

One way is to take the big wheels to campus and let them ride around and around to become familar with the new place.

Test out the playground with them.

Pack a few practice lunches - just so they get in the habit the week before.

Make sure they know their address and phone number!

Painting: Mother and Child by George Romney

Saying Goodbye

How do you leave a friend's house (or other fun place) without tears?

Time to leave the park, or a friend's house, or anything fun can sometimes be tricky. Here are a few suggestions other than the five minute warning (which is the great standard and works perfectly for some children)...

1. Say Goodbye - pick them up say, "It's time to say goodbye to the sand." Then tell them to say, "Goodbye sand" and then you say, "Goodbye sand" and quickly start looking around the park saying goodbye to literally, everything! Goodbye slide, fence, pink sand bucket, swings, Lindsay, Jose, the leaves...the longer the list the better - because saying goodbye becomes the game. And then when they are already in your arms, its easier to get them into their carseat or stroller.

2. Practice Makes Perfect - when you give them the five minute warning, also give them an expectation ie. "We are going to leave in five minutes, when I say, 'Its time to leave' I want you to say, 'Okay, mom!' Will you practice saying it one time for me right now." For some reason if they have said "OK" already - it is so much easier. And they actually understand the expectation. And its great, when your child says, "OK" so cheerfully - you almost forget you just asked them to!

3. Whisper - You can apply this to both the above or try it on its own. It always seems better to ask in a whisper - for some reason it resonated more clearly - the contrast against the loud friend's house or park. They can actually hear it - when the problem can be they are so busy they don't hear.

4. Back Door - Ok, so sometimes you need to plan a get away, a back door approach, if you will. Bring something special in the car or stroller they don't know about - a toy they haven't played with for awhile. A treat, something that means something of great import. Then, instead of saying goodbye or saying that its time to go, tell them that its time to start something new - time to go play with the new Dora toy or whatever. So, this is a little bit of linguistics and a lot of planning ahead. But, if its really hard it might be worth it.

5. Paci/Blankey - I say use these things to your advantage when they are young. Its a bit of the same as above - but basically don't let them have their pacifier or blanket until its time to go. And use the words, "Its time to go check on Pacifier" - and you say the goodbyes.

What else works?


Painting: Considering a Swim by Lindsay Dawson

my philosophy

so here it is...there isn't a right way. there isn't a best way. there isn't an i'm better you are worse way. if every child is unique (which they are) and every mother is unique (which they are) then there are a unique combinations of mother + child. which really means, to me, that the way you parent should be determined by what works for both the mother and child. so, switch it up as you go, as you learn, and as your children are so different.

Pacifier Pains

Angie, My son is 13 months old and still needs a pacifier to fall asleep. People are telling me it is too long to let him use it. I like it because it is an easy way to get him to sleep- I put him in his crib, give him his blanket and pacifier and walk away. I'm worried about weaning him, what do I replace it with? Is there ANY alternative to just taking it away and hearing him cry and cry for it??? Is there any problem with letting him keep it for another year or so? I'm ok with that because he doesn't have it in public, it stays in his crib. What are your ideas?

AND

Ang--me too. I've got a 2.7 year old that uses one to fall asleep for naps and at night only. And getting him to go to sleep is a piece of cake--as long as Paci is present. Paci has been such a good little helper for us, but it's definitely time to say goodbye come December. Any helps for a non-cry-it-out subscriber?

This is obviously one of the big ones. Lots of people care - and it isn't easy. Let me first say, that these two ages present two different situations. And for a baby 13 months old - there is a good chance that if you take away the paci too early he will replace it with a thumb or finger (and lets face it - that's waaay harder). Some children need to suck more than others - so if you are ready then keep reading - and if not, there really is no rush. Gum tension and all of that will pull the teeth back - I've witnessed it - some kids just have crooked teeth regardless. Do it when you are ready. And for me it was around 3 for one of my children - I had different expectations before children and then I got realistic.

But, to help the process - before you start I would definitely try and narrow the paci time to nap and bedtime. So, if your child has it in the car and grocery store - start weaning them slowly. Just pick one place at a time - and STICK TO IT! If you give in early, you'll help teach them that crying will solve it - so once you are ready, don't turn back!

So, I'll start with the crazy (i mean creative) idea first...poke a hole in the paci. A big enough hole so that it is hard to suck - and this could be enough for some kids - paci is broken (and 2nd paci and 3rd paci all at the same time). Give them the option to sleep with it or throw it away. If they throw it away - be sure to empty the garbage can because they will be back - help them watch the garbage truck take it far away.

Ok, that was ideally, but chances are they will want to keep it. So, here it is -- every three days cut the tip of the pacifier. Eventually, after a few weeks of cutting more and more off the tip, the pacifier will be down to a stub. Eventually, there will be nothing to suck - an unsuckable paci. But, it isn't because you took it away - that's the part that's nice. You aren't the bad guy. "Paci is broken - its getting so old..." and then "Lets do playdough!" - I really wouldn't indulge a lot of pacifier talk, because its really about an addiction and talking brings it to attention. And helping them keep their hands busy is one of the best things you can do.

So, if you don't want to do something that off the wall...

You could talk about it being time to get rid of paci for a solid week - and the conversation could be about where he wants to travel - should paci go sailing to Australia? or perhaps on a shuttle to the moon? or to go fight fires on a fire truck? Let your child help decide where he should go. Then build a rocket ship and have paci and the rocket disappear by morning...or take him to the fire station to give it to a fireman...this is perfect for kids that get into adventure. And then you can always say, "Paci is fighting fires - he wants to be here, but he is helping the firemen."

OR

The next time you loose it, don't buy it again. And help them fall asleep by holding their hand. It will take at least three nights that are really hard. They will ask about it - so sing them to sleep and just be with them. Don't take it away and then hope they will figure it out (even though they surely could it would just involve more tears - because the truth is there will be some tears either way - its really a hard transition). A really hard part it is that the paci is part of their behavior and routine of falling asleep. So, as the parent you get to help them learn that they can fall asleep on their own. If they have a blanket help them stroke the bridge of their nose with it. Give them a new behavior and just sleep with them if you don't want to cry it out.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes - and be sure to share your wise advise or even woes.

Painting: Water Lilies by Claude Monet - because face it, you need something soothing when you talk about this stuff...

Power of Placebo

A little boy would not go to sleep because his hand was hurting and a wise Grandpa warmed up a special something...he told the young boy to carefully drink the prepared drink. He warned the child that this drink would help his hand heal and that it would probably even cause him to fall asleep extra quickly. He told him to drink it slowly - it might not taste familiar. The drink worked. The boy felt calm and sleepy and his worries faded.

The drink was warm water and a little guava juice that had been in the fridge. And it worked because it really wasn't about a sickness or a pain - worries are sometimes the hardest to appease. Thank goodness for a simple placebo in a pinch.

Painting: Tea by James Jacques Joseph Tissot

Red, Red, Red

Someone recently asked about creative ideas - here's another one. I did this awhile ago - but I repeat it with different colors, different letters, and even shapes.
As the kick off to red week...

• For breakfast we had strawberries and raspberries in milk.
• For lunch we had red jello, apples, and jam sandwiches.
• For dinner we had pizza with tomato sauce and tomatoes on top.
• We played with red model magic.
• We painted red mixed-medium masterpieces (red crayon, red chalk, red pencils and paint).
• On our drive we shouted out every red thing we saw - red lights, stop signs, red Hummers, red signs, painted curbs, and the cherry on top - a blazing red fire truck.
• As we read, we hunted for red on each page - a Where's Waldoish with the color red. You get the picture - its just a way to say the word "red," over and over until your little one really gets it - its easy and fairly preparation free.

Painting: Yellow, Red, Red by Mark Rothko

Fists Full of Hair

My son is 9 months-old and he LOVES to pull hair. Is there anything I can do to teach him not to do it? I always feel really bad when he pulls others hair while they are holding him...

In my notice and experience - babies hands just love to grab and then stay in a fist. Its really what they are best at. So, with each new handful of hair you can say - wow, he is really getting good at that. What a talent...

Alright, that's not the answer you wanted - and I get it - but teaching a baby not to pull hair - that's a tough one.

But, I think it is avoidable. I've thought and thought - and here's my best solution. Before you let someone else hold him - you are going to have to fill his hands. Something small (not small enough to be a choking hazard) but enough to keep him interested and busy. So...those infant Tylenol bottles - the squeezy end - try that. Or a marker - you could even glue the lid on permanently if you were worried. But, if that's too Bob Dole, then you could try a rattle, or a string, or even a green bean.

Let us know if it works, and don't feel too bad. You can warn whoever you hand him too - but in all honesty - I kind of love a baby reaching up and grabbing my hair - so don't worry too much - because there are silly people like me out there!

Sketch: Leda by Leonardo DaVinci

Creative Play

Do you have a book of ideas or something that you use to think creatively? I'm always trying to think of things outside the pool, park, bubbles, playdoh, reading time etc.

No. Not really. But, a long time ago (pre-kids) I asked every mother I knew to make a list of their favorite activities. Things they really did - specifics. I compiled it and sorted it by age group and inside/outside activities.

So, putting food coloring in a spray bottle and decorating the snow was perfect - at the time. But now I'm in California and the snow thing isn't really helpful. So I need to compile a new one (and you can to -- wherever you are). It was really fun to see what different people wrote ie...

• giving all junk mail to the kids to play post office
• playing "restaurant" and writing your kids order down for lunch
• recording your voice (or Grandma's voice from far away) reading a story and letting them play it over and over
• letting them use teaspoons to measure water and put it in a bigger bowl
• drawing with glue and adding sand
• doing pictures by tearing paper only

I always try to think of one idea (just one) to do tomorrow - right as I am falling to sleep. Its the last thing on my mind.

There are also some good books - I usually just read them when I'm at the book store and store away an idea or two. But The Toddler's Busy Book and others by Trish Kuffner I like. They just seem more doable, I mean who really turns a potato into a clock?!

Oh, and I love the Rainy Day Activity Jar I read about on the Stitching Barn - but you could just use it always!


Painting: The Blind Girl by Sir John Everett Millais

Pattern Trains

What activities can I be doing with my daughter (she will be three in October) now that are fun and educational?

You know when kids enter the why, why, why phase or what, what, what phase...sometimes you want to ban questions. But, its really a gift because instead of simply giving an answer - you get to help them learn the process for finding answers. But, here's something they don't ask about, but it might be fun to introduce...

One more idea for educational play...Pattern Trains.

You know how kids are tested in school and all the way through their life on patterns. Somehow, someone important who makes tests thinks patterns are really important. Me, not so much. But, I wanted to try and help "break the code" of patterns. Ultimately, so that my child could start recognizing them early.

You know a lot of kids love trains - well I decided to call patterns - Pattern Trains. And building patterns was just a way of building a long train (except this train does not connect unless its a pattern).

So, the first time I bought Starbursts and did a simple every other pattern. It was more fun (because although we weren't eating the candy, playing with candy is fun). And we would make long red, yellow, red, yellow pattern trains. We would get more complicated with a red, yellow, pink, red, yellow, pink. And I would say something like "Red, yellow, pink, red, yellow, p-p-p- what comes next?"

Somehow thinking of patterns as trains helped unlock the code for my child (and me a little bit too). Anyhow, then we used those colored cotton balls, and kept expanding. We would build a pattern train with toys...lego, teddy bear, lego, teddy bear (the lego being our "connector") trust me - connectors are important to kids. It helped!


Painting: Red Cross Train Passing a Village by Gino Severini

Giving Babies Limits

How do you teach a little one-about 8 months old-how to stay away from things like wires? I want my little one to be able to go where she wants in the house, but of course she's drawn to things she shouldn't have-like all of the wires under the computer. And I want her to learn that there are somethings that shouldn't be played with, even if they look like fun. Is there anyway to teach her to leave these things alone? Or should I just succumb and completely baby proof the entire house? Now that she's mobile, she doesn't even play with her toys-she only wants to climb and crawl to things she shouldn't.

Yes, baby proof. But, I think that after 6 months, a crawling baby is the perfect time to start developing limits - I hate the idea of rules so young. But just think of them as limits, not rules or mandates. They seem to have an easier time if there are limits from the beginning - not many, but a few.

The fireplace seems to draw babies - and it just isn't safe. So, after I did this first idea for about a week - I never had a problem. My baby would crawl on by after I did this...

The first idea - make a loud sound. Right as they are about to touch the fireplace - a "honk" or a duck-sounding, loudish "aaa!" A loud - but short sound. I know that kids aren't animals - but the simple Pavlovian method of doing something unpleasant helps them associate surprising sound with touching the fireplace. They are so little, that they learn pretty quickly. Does that make sense?

The second idea - 20 seconds of holding their arms still. So, right after they have gotten to the fireplace you (instead of saying no - or saying anything) just go to their side and looking away, you hold their arms still at their side. After they realize they are stuck, count to 20 (it will make them a bit frustrated) then calmly say, if you touch the fireplace, you can't use your arms. Short. Sweet. And again they associate something they would rather not with an unpleasant moment. This idea comes from The New First Three Years.

I would only do one at a time and see which one your baby responds to. Good luck!

If anyone has another idea, please share!

Painting: The Delphic Sibyl by Michelangelo detail from the Sistine Chapel

TV Time - Yea or Nay?

What do you think of videos? I was strictly opposed before, but my child LOVES them! My mom lets her watch Dora or Elmo in the car and she gets so excited and starts singing along and doing the moves. I wonder if maybe she learns more or just as much from the video as from playing with a toy. Obviously, time interacting with me or another human is better than the video, but do you think the video is a bad idea categorically? Thanks.

When I wake up and feel sick - the kind of sick where I know I'll be stuck in bed all day - I feel so grateful for videos. I am grateful that there is such good programming, enough to fill an entire day and more. Seriously, your child may just be the next baby Einstein after all that they learn.

And the studies I know prove that a child watching television is very different than adults - it is so interactive. They have to shout "Para!" or jump up and down or help find those Blue's Clues. And the interaction makes it very different for children than adults.

Having said that, I don't think its really about the quality or even how much joy they find. I really think its more about their behavior and yours. And what I mean is, do your kids watch tv or movies out of habit or out of novelty? Do you use the video as a tool or a crutch?

I remember forever ago, I had moved and found myself without cable - there wasn't a single channel I could find, even using bunny ears. And for one solid week I would walk around and wonder what to do - especially in the evening. I would turn the tv on and off - out of habit - clearly nothing would be on. I would think about shows and count down until my cable returned. And by about day two I realized how addictive it can be - how my behavior had changed - I didn't have a system for living without a tv - and I had turned into a pacing tiger waiting instead of living.

But of course, my kids watch movies and tv. We love Backyardigans, Elmo, Cars. But, I try not to let it become a significant part of the day - and make sure there are days we don't do it at all - because there is a lot of fun to be had - and its nice to know we still can fill our day with play. Our imaginations and play world is just as fun. We aren't in a rut.

If you try having a "no tv day" and it is really painful - it can really get you thinking. Does your child ask for movies over and over when they are bored instead of asking for playdough over and over? Are you finding yourself without things to do or without new ideas? I think a day off is a great measure! If its no problem - then all the better!

Anyhow, keep watching, and thank goodness on regular days, sick days, and especially those "no good, terrible" days that we have such a great tool.

Crib to Bed Transition

Any clues on how/when to transition kids from their crib to a toddler bed? Ben (21 months) climbed out of his crib the other day. I'm hoping that the fall scared him enough not to do it again, but I'm starting to think toddler bed now especially since his little brother will be wanting the crib in the next few months anyway. Also, have you ever used a crib tent? What do you think of those?

Timing is hard to answer. Because the answer is - when both your child and you are ready. Just because he's ready, doesn't mean you are.

So, if he's climbing out of a crib - he's really getting close. But, if you aren't ready, then you can always lower the bar so that its simply safer to get out on his own. As for the crib tent - I have no idea!! It sounds like a great fix to prolong crib time and keep your little one safer - but I have no first hand knowledge - I don't even know who to ask. Sorry, I'm letting you down.

You have to be ready too, because transitioning takes a lot of effort.

So, first start talking about it. Start pointing out friends that sleep in beds. Talk about your bed and how much you love your bed. And after a week of "prepping" conversations - ask if he wants one.

Then I would start with a trip to buy sheets (of course you need to decide if twin or toddler bed is what you want ahead of time and I don't really have an opinion). You want your child to be so excited about the transition. And if you aren't really keen about Transformer sheets then get a Transformer pillow case at least. You want them to feel like they have made the decision - not that it is thrust upon them.

Now, you probably know if your child is good at change or struggles with it - how does he do when you leave him with a babysitter? or at nursery? If he isn't great at it, then you will really have to ease him into the new bed. You will have to camp out on the floor the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th night (but let him try the first night - who knows it could be great!)

The hardest thing about a real bed is the freedom. The freedom to get up and walk around. The freedom to come and get you. So, just be prepared for two weeks of pushing the limits. He'll test you. And I would suggest...that every time he gets up - you immediately take him right back in. No words, not really warm, just the action. It may take 15 times. But, if you stick with it, he'll learn. But, try whatever system for a good two weeks before giving in!

What am I forgetting?

Painting: detail of Starry Night over the Rhone by Vincent van Gogh

True Story

Tonight was one of those nights...you know the times you just hold on and hope that bedtime will come sooner. And once they are in bed, you just hope that they will fall asleep to afford you a break - just a small break.

I think it started with a finger nail accidentally being cut too short - we're not talking about too short in my opinion - just in his. Anyhow, it turned into a bawling, shouting, screaming performance. And when one child cries, others follow.

Somehow, I was able to stay calm (I was secretly laughing at the performance which helps me keep my sanity). But, by the time all bodies were in bed, the crying was still not over. The performance was clearly moving to the second act. So, I had to resort to my never fail method - THE STORY.

I am a story teller through and through. And when I start with "Once upon a time there was a little boy named Toby..." little ears start to listen and I tell it as if though their is no crying, using a soft voice. I tell stories that are just for the listener. So, tonight was a story that started with Toby drawing a space shuttle - a space shuttle with weapons that suddenly detached from the paper and started growing and growing. Toby's only hope was to draw a second space shuttle with shields, etc. I took my time and talked slowly. By the end, the tears had stopped - hooray!

I have told stories to tired children on the subway, on long walks when they don't think they can walk any further, and right in the middle of stores to distract them. Its worked on every child I have met. It doesn't matter - as long as I tell a story about something important to the listener. So, for my two year old its garbage trucks. And to a crowd - I jump from dinosaur to princess to trains made out of candy.

And, if you are thinking you aren't a story teller - just start trying it. It will be hard to come up with crazy tales the first few times. But, you'll get better at it. Who knew - you needed practice to make up fantastical stories.

Anyhow, I thought I would share a my own moment!

Painting: The Boyhood of Raleigh by John Everett Millais

Walking

How do you help a 15 month old baby {my daughter} that could easily walk on her own, but doesn't have the confidence yet learn to walk? I don't mind {ok, I love it} that she likes holding my hand, but do sometimes wonder when she will walk by herself.

Two ideas!

One. Instead of walking around the house holding her little fingers, hold a marker and let her hold the other end of the marker. Its easier to let go of a thing than a person - especially a special person like a mom. So, keep stretching away, maybe another larger toy, next, in between.

Two. Put all of your chairs on their side and line them up. So they create a long rail to walk along. I remember this was so much fun - we had to do it everyday. And learning to walk just takes a lot of practice sometimes. So, the more they walk on their own, the better.

WALKING (my favorite walking song - click the title to hear a snippet on iTunes)

Walking

walking

walking

walking

Seems so easy now

But I remember when I was small

And I did not know how

I would take two steps and then fall down...

But up I'd stand, dust my hands

And tell myself I know I can

(Words: Martha Cheney /
Music: Hap Palmer) ©Hap-Pal Music, Inc.

Painting: detail from Woman with a Parasol and a Small Child by Pierre Auguste Renoir

Educational Play - Start with Vowels

What activities can I be doing with my daughter (she will be three in October) now that are fun and educational?

Its so fun to hear from you! I'm glad you tracked me down. Congrats on your daughter! I divided your question in two - and I'll answer about Preschools soon...

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”

- Pablo Picasso

I'm in love with this quote and the question you pose is similar. So, first, I'll just say what I think "educational" means to me. There is so much stuff out there - the name of every construction vehicle, the name of animals and animals, you can learn every planet, Greek God's, every car model, obviously the list goes on and on. And I think that it really isn't the stuff that's important. Its more the process. The most educational thing you can do for your child is help them be interested in the world. So I think good "educational" play - means its a lot of fun and interesting.

I remember scooping my little one in my lap and trying to read to him, only to have him squirm away. And at first I was crushed - why won't my child listen to a book being read? Its because he was more interested in building a block tower at the moment (or whatever). What I have learned is that being interesting in what they like is the best place to start. So, if they like trucks - learn everything there is about trucks - go find one to sit in. Read truck books, build playdough trucks, park the trucks to line up into big A's...

What?! You ask - ok, here's the little trick. Whatever they are really interested in - I use as the tool to open new doors. So, let's say your child loves plastic necklaces, and princess jewelry. Then play princess with them, and before you put on the lovely pink treat put it down on the ground and exclaim, "Oh, I am so lucky, I have an "O" necklace. This is the most wonderful thing in the whole world. O, o, o, o, oooo!" Then show your daughter her necklace makes an "O" - Show her her magical "O" ring. And your excitment will help her start to learn letters. Never with flashcards or pressure. But, just sneak little moments in like that! Start with vowels! And in a few days, use the necklace to make an "I" on the ground! Use playdough to make big "I" shaped Islands where Ice cream cones live...

Shapes, Colors, Letters, Numbers - just make sure they are fun! I have a few more ideas - if people like this one...what do you do?

Painting" The Peace Dove by Pablo Picasso

The Schmoozer

I have an almost 3 year-old boy. Of course, like any kid, he loves treats or candy. We try to limit them at home, but people are so nice in the world, and he's not afraid to talk to strangers, so he asks anyone and everyone for a treat or piece of candy. At church, he will go up to strangers and say, "can I have a piece of gum?". Of course, people are flattered and usually have a mint or something, so he gets what he wants wherever he goes. I try not to let this happen if I am around, but I always worry when I leave him at playgroup, nursery, or with a babysitter. Any advice for the mom of a "schmoozing" 3 year-old?

Send him to me - oh, wait, I'm probably the person giving your kid the treats. I have to admit, I'm a veritable Pied Piper of treats. But, I know what you mean - you need some tools - for the times its not ok.

So, here's my mantra. You can't simply eliminate behavior...but, you can replace it. So, instead of saying, "Stop!" or "Don't do that!" you'll want to think of another action - one that is acceptable to you. It sounds like you don't mind him being social - it's more the sweet consequences. So here are some things to keep the social behavior but alter it, for example...

You could bring stickers and see if your child could offer stickers to friends instead of asking for food.

You could teach him to use the "give me five" phrase. Really make it fun, have him go ask people to "give me five" and if its fun enough the adventure becomes the reward. In order for it really to work you would have to roll play at home. Set up a row of stuffed animals on the coach and have him go up to Mr. Paws and say, "Give me five!" And you of course, would help Mr. Paws with the follow-through. Then, when you are in a social situation, you can ask him to go up to a good friend, and say "Give me five!" If its a production it will be more fun than candy - you hope. (Oh, and if high fives are too loud, go with an "ET phone home finger touch" or some other cool handshake). And I am guessing your 3 year old probably knows "give me five" - but not for this purpose.

You could bring your own stock pile of treats - and set up a rule. If he doesn't ask anyone for treats he can have one from you. This helps you know exactly what he is getting. And if you do this for awhile he would get out of his treat asking habit - because its probably a habit above all.

If those don't work, just keep thinking about the idea of replacing the behavior - and just decide what is acceptable to you. Good luck!


Illustration: The Pied Piper of Hamelin by Kate Greenaway

Use Your Words

When my child and another child are both trying to go for the same thing - be it a toy, the slide or climbing apparatus - I feel as long as they aren't pushing and shoving that it is ok to let them alone and have them work it out between the two of them with words...What do you think is the right thing to do?

If they using their words - great! Sit back and enjoy!

The phrase I say from morning to night is "Use your words...use your words." I say "use your words" when kids are crying, whining, pushing, jumping, and definitely fighting. Most little kids forget to "use their words" - a reminder is necessary.

But I would suggest if they are pretty little, even if they have the words, they don't know the right words. They don't know the ones that will fix the problem. So, if you can help them before the problem gets huge - why not? Hurry to their side like their very own superego...whisper the magic phrase, "Use your words."

If playground play is extra hard for your little one - then roll play at home with stuffed animals. Help them practice so they have the tools they need.

Let's face it - by the time I get to the park I'll I want to do is sit back and let them play. Anyhow, what do you think is the right thing to do?

Painting: Snap the Whip by Winslow Homer

How to say R's and S's

"Mom, I weally, weally, want to wun and wun with my fwiends" - I am pretty sure this is what I sounded like growing up! R's were my downfall.

A few little ones have trouble saying "r" and "s" - here are two little ideas that could help them...

If they can't say "r" then tell them to smile while they say it - it puts the mouth in the right position! (Try it while you read this - it really works!)

If they can't say "s" its probably because they have a gap - so remind them to make their teeth touch when they say "s" - perfect!

A lot of kids end up in speech therapy - but their are simply things you can help them do at home! They just need help - and a lot of practice!

Silk Screen: Les Oiseaux by Henri Matisse

It Worked!

At least for one little one - she describes what a good example roll playing in discipline can be! An idea she found reading about creative disciplining ideas right here, a previous Miss Angie post! Let us know what works for you - and what ideas are a complete flop. Its helpful to know what doesn't work as well!

Click on the colored words for the links! Its a really helpful story!

Feverish

My little one has run a low grade fever the last couple of days and I'm conflicted between taking him to see the doctor or waiting it out. Also, when he's a little bit sick like this should I allow him to cry it out in the night or should I go to him? Help!
Poor little one. And poor you. When you have a sick baby, don't you just want a friend or a sister or a mom around to help make all of the decisions. Someone to help talk it out. Its hard to know because every fever and every cough is slightly different...

Growing up, my Grandpa was a doctor, so we had a terrible habit of calling Grandpa and only heading to the hospital when it was desperate. I think this mentality has spilled over into how I do things. So, I guess this is as good a place as any to stick in a disclaimer - I'm not a doctor and have no doctoring degree. I'm just giving my own advice - and I'm just an Angie, an Angie with kids, giving the best advice I can.

My kids seem to get fevers with teething and immunizations and sometimes colds and on and on. So, I give my kids Tylenol right away when they get a fever. And then I wait and watch. And this is my big determining factor - if the fever breaks fairly well with medicine I don't go in. The fever will probably last several days (meaning on and off and with Tylenol doses as directed). It helps me to remember that a fever is the body's way of trying to get rid of illnesses - so its not always so bad.

I, personally, would rather stay away from doctor's office which is usually a nightmare - the waiting, the other sick kids, and of course the waiting some more. If its a fever and something more - I still wait and watch for at least three days. But if you're worried and the fever won't break - go in - its better to be safe than sorry.

But, here's one trick - did you know if you call your doctor and ask for a prescription over the phone - they will usually give you one! So, if you know they need something - call and firmly ask for a prescription - if you waffle they probably won't do it! But, its nice to know its an option!

What does anyone else use to decide?

Oh, and as for sleeping through the night - I'd throw all previous rules out the window for sick babies. Just help them and cuddle them. If they are waking up because they are sick - just help soothe them. If they really are sick it won't throw off sleep and such. Its just about getting through.


Painting: L'Infirmierre by Beatrice How

Traveling Tips

Give me traveling tips...Tips for traveling on airplanes, in cars, on buses, on trains...traveling without losing my mind, my temper, or my child and without without giving fellow travelers an hour-long high-pitched serenade accompanied by kicks to the back of the seat.

The best advice. Wrap everything. From books to crayons - whatever you bring wrap it. The wrapping is the exciting part for toddler on up. Don't waste your expensive wrapping paper; use old US Weekly's you have lying about, newspapers, or even printer paper. But, by wrapping each and everything you bring it extends and heightens the process. And the book you've read a thousand times is suddenly new again.

In fact, start hiding away great toys (small things) so they will start forgetting about them now.

Now, when Pandora open her box, it was all kinds of trouble - but having a box or a backpack to fill that is just for them is the best. So, bringing the right things is so important!


What to bring.
1. Stickers.
2. If you are planning on buying a few items - you have to try Crayola's model magic. It's the genius of playdough without the smell or crumbles. Its perfect for the plane.
3. Little kids like familiar books (so wrap and bring the best).
4. I think that bringing one doll or stuffed animal is always nice because if there is some disaster with spilled apple juice and your child is crying or starting to fuss you can always direct the attention to the doll. "How can we help baby - she is really crying right now..."
5. Something to draw with - (again, wrap all of the pens to stretch out the experience - there are also the Crayola Color Wonder pens that won't draw on anything but the special paper).
6. A balloon - to blow up and then let the air out on your child's hands, face, etc. (be sure to wrap even something as small as a balloon).
7. Of course, portable DVD players are genius. And kids love listening to your iPod - so be sure to fill it with music for them.
8. Baggies of food. Marshmallows. crackers. raisins. A little bit of a lot of things is more fun than a lot of one thing.
9. Mini bubbles - I know, it might seem strange on an airplane - but hey, if it works!

Other advice.
I bring Clorox wipes in a plastic bag - I wipe down all of the airplane seats and trays first thing. I just feel so much more at peace.

Get up an walk around on airplanes. And stop and make your child run (really run- enough to get sweaty) if you are in a long car trip.

Now, what has worked for you? Its summer - so everyone needs advice right now!

Painting: Pandora by Odilon Redon

Baby Bottoms

What do you do for diaper rash...any tricks I don't know?

When you walk into Bloomingdale's there are rows of make up counters, and behind the glass enough skin care products to soothe the skin of third world countries. Products like Superdefense Trip Action Moisturizer - SPF 25 - Dry to Very Dry Skin. Finding the right product for your baby can be just as overwhelming. Most people have their favorite (be sure to share). If I had to pick one, I would say Boudreaux's Butt Paste (the nicest smell, easiest to clean off my hands, and it does a nice job).

But the best way I've found is water. Just plain old water. Get rid of fancy jars and labels and products. If after every diaper change (which I would do more frequently for a sore behind) I then rinse the tiny bottom in the sink - they will heal up right away. I've had great and immediate luck! Its almost as if the alcohol in the wipes is just too rough. Sometimes I add a little hydrocortizone cream(but the label is plastered with consult your doctor). Water. Two days.

Painting: Baby Reaching for an Apple by Mary Cassatt

Imagination & Emotion

I have a question for you... is there a method to the madness of what to teach a kid when? My child knows most of his animals and body parts and I'm trying to decide if there is something I should focus on teaching him next? Seems like colors, numbers or the alphabet should be next.

Nope. No method.

Its really not about "the stuff" at the end of the day. Its about opening up a world of learning. Its really about the process.

Sure - sing the abc's - teach them about color - help them with numbers. But, its so much more fun to turn it all into an adventure. We like to "jump" the abc's. I hold him and jump - every letter a separate jump, each letter gets its own voice (so no confusion with the l,m,n,o,p part). And use numbers to turn off the water in the shower by counting 1 through 10 and shouting blastoff in the end.

But, don't forget about these two important topics...

Emotion! Its so fun to make the faces - babies, toddlers, and little kids love it! And its so important to start attaching emotion to their world. Point out when they are happy, point out when they are scared, angry, silly.

Imagination! The best part of being a kid is that they do this so naturally. They will stir all sorts of concoctions for you to taste. Just help them stretch and develop this talent. When my then four year old was suddenly nervous to go to sleep - I taught him to turn the ceiling into his canvas. We would draw imaginary vehicles and skyscrapers and wacky robots. Then we could erase parts with a wave of our arms. We would paint a picture every night before I said goodnight - and I told him he could stay up as long as he wanted - drawing anything.

Sidenote: at the Museum of Modern Art in NYC they have headsets for kids to listen to - they feel so old carrying it around. And certain paintings have kids commentary. At this Marc Chagall painting the recorded docent asked the child to find an upside down house...it turned it into an awesome hide and seek type experience.
Painting: I and the Village by Marc Chagall

Time-Outs - Yea or Nay?

I'm having trouble with the concept of "time-outs" with my almost 3-year old. I feel like I don't have many extra rooms in my apartment to make her stay in, so where do I put her? She won't seem to stay put on a chair, and there are so few corners to stick her in. How do I make her stay there? I like the Supernanny suggestion of a time-out for however many minutes they are old. I just don't know how to enforce it. Do you use time-outs or something else?
Here's the truth. I've done a lot of time-outs - I used a short stool in the bathroom. I used them - calmly and on occasion out of anger. But, here's the thing, they never really worked. Of course, I felt calmer after a few minutes without a naughty child at my toes, but I don't really think it helped them learn anything. A six year old can sit and think for awhile. But, there are only a handful of little ones that can really process a time-out. Its just too long - and not entirely effective in my experience.

I understand the reasoning behind it - if you do something naughty you get a break from the fun. But, here's how I look at it; child being naughty means something - they want attention, they don't know how to use their words, they want to try out throwing toys like they saw their friend do, or they could simply be frustrated because they are hungry. But, there is a reason. And I like to find the reason and fix that.

Okay, remember: a child would rather have negative attention than no attention.

This was really a huge concept for me. And one of the first things I ask myself is how much attention I have given my child on the day they are really being naughty - are they getting more attention from this disciplining exercise then they would for just playing - do they just want more of me? I was around, but sometimes, not so available. So, first things first, make sure you surprise your child and come play with them the moment they are the most happy. The minute they are the most content - sit by them then.

Ok, now that you've done this and they do something naughty - know that its just a lesson they need to learn. So, think of it less of them having bad behavior - but more of them needing to learn a lesson. Here's what I would try:

1. Give the toy a lecture. You know, the toy that is being thrown. Pick up that toy and really discipline the toy. Tell that toy how disappointed you are that it would try and smash into mommy - or how much that toy hurt. Tell the toy the consequence - that he could break the lamp or make someone bleed - so badly they would need a bandaid. Then, make amends with the toy. Accept the toy's apology. Let the toy kiss your cheek (yes, tractors can kiss) and then turn to you child to elicit their help. "Please, oh please help Tractor to drive on the ground or on the couch but not to throw through the air." (This way you are on your child's side and you are helping them see the consequences, and ultimately teaching them the proper way to use their toy).

2. Or, if there isn't a toy involved - give their favorite toy a time out on a high shelf or the refrigerator. Do it immediately (really hurry to get the favorite toy and put it up high) and say with as few words as possible, "Jojo can NOT play with you when you hit mommy." And then walk away. This way, they aren't getting your attention for doing a naughty act - its quick and painless - and really gets a point across. Sometimes, its harder to see your favorite toy in timeout than to be in one yourself. Leave the toy up until (even hours later) you child is happily doing anything. Then, hurry and get Jojo down. And in that moment warmly say, "You are eating (or playing with your blocks so nicely) that Jojo has to come down. She just wanted to be with you so badly." By the way, with this way, you have to use the favorite toy of the day. So, keep your eyes opened.

3. Now, I know that Supernanny is a big fan of "naughty mats" but I am not really. Especially, if that's its name. It goes back to the whole labeling thing. I have used the word in this post a lot - but I try never to use it at all around my children. I just hate the idea that they would associate themselves with the word naughty. So, be sure when you discipline you state simply what they did incorrectly.

4. I do know someone who didn't have a timeout - but a time in - I think they called timeout Hawaii. And it was a comfy place - with toys and a few books. And the idea behind it is - when you child feels better they play better. So instead of punishing, they wanted to get their child out of a "bad situation"; which usually meant away from themselves for a moment. So, they would say something like "I notice you are having a hard time keeping the blocks on the ground, why don't you rest in Hawaii until you feel like you can build with the blocks without them flying through the air." I've never tried it - but its really about finding the right fit for your child and you.

So, in summary, give them a time-out if you could use one. But, here are a few other tools for your arsenal. As always, I do not have the market cornered. So, what works for you? The more suggestions can only help!

Painting: Van Gogh's Chair by Van Gogh

Toys Disguised

I remember when you had your first, you were finding all sorts of household items that you could play with (i.e. making shapes on the floor with yarn). What other sorts of games/toys have you made up with run-of-the-mill things that your kids have enjoyed? or things they haven't enjoyed?

1. Wax paper is a brilliant toy for babies. They get to explore the crinkle and feel while crawling around.

2. Kitchen Utensils are the world's greatest toy. It doesn't matter what age - they are the best. So, I always like to have a bottom cupboard or drawer filled with the "safe" kitchen things: spoons, whisks, basting brushes, bowls, measuring cups, and of course an unplugged mixer.

3. Yarn on a sheet of sand paper is surprisingly sticky! Not as much fun as I dreamed - but a fun diversion occasionally. Likewise, yarn on carpet is fun - but little ones get tangled quite easily - so I only tried it on occasion.

4. Painters Tape is hands down the best invention. Babies can play with it more safely than other tape - because its not too sticky. Which is also the quality that makes it perfect for making designs on the ground. You should see the airports, roadways, and even sports arenas that come to life with just a little blue painters tape!

5. Empty glass baby food jars can be filled with all sorts of good baby shakables: rice, marbles, nails, a bouncy ball, just use your imagination. Just be sure to super glue or hot glue the lid shut.

6. As the get older - a purse or bag filled with random items is genius: the free credit cards that are fake you get in the mail, an old cheapy Casio watch, a small flashlight, key ring (with keys is the best). Baby's like to pull stuff out of things. And older children like to tote around a bag as well.

7. Fill a pot with potatoes and let a baby pull them out (do a sample run for them first). The "pull out" phase comes before the "put in" phase. So, when a baby can sit this starts to become a fun game.

What "free" ideas do you have?

Painting: Child with a Dove by Pablo Picasso