Parenting Books

In the previous post you mentioned there are not many child rearing books you like. What are the few you do suggest? Any books from tantrums, to potty training to activities...I need to read up and get prepared for toddlerhood and beyond!

Someone once had this same question - but I've never answered it here. Here's what I told her...

Most of my parenting ideas are my own silly theories; what I learn from talking to other parents and just experimenting with what works. I am fairly opinionated - but my strongest opinion is: there is not one right way to raise children because every child is so different. There's just not a best or a better.

Anyhow, having said that, people occasionally ask for a book recommendation. And the truth is I don't know - but I did read this one: The New First Three Years of Life by Burton L. White. And I have had more people ask for its name. Here's maybe why...
It suggests that the first three years are the most important of life (in all truth, I think that whatever age your child is "now" is the most important time but I like to read about how important the first few are because some days it doesn't feel that way)
It suggests that we not even worry about teaching or disciplining before a child is six months - just love them, love them!

It reminds us that at nine months children reach a happy plateau, they will play with one toy on and on, laugh and entertain themselves. But its important not to take advantage of this time; before they get bored and start fussing remembering to switch their toy or move them to another activity. The idea is to prevent the demand cry - by giving the most attention when they are happily playing - instead of when they are crying. One way I interpreted this: if my baby started crying in his crib I would casually enter the room - not even looking at him - as if though the sunlight brought me in - not the crying. Once I did "notice" I would try and cheer them up in the crib (ie. playing peek a boo) before I got them out. And the second their little frown cracked into I smile I swoop them up with a "What a happy boy!".

The author suggests that preventing the terrible two's and tantrums is possible (and personally, I think that terrible two's are nothing compared to terrible three's so I really heeded this advice). There are a lot of suggestions - but one main thing is really sticking to your word. If you say I'll play with you in a minute - do. And if you say no more cookies and you are in the grocery store and tears have started - still don't give the cookies.

That's the flavor - a lot of every book like this is some silliness - which toys are good and which ones aren't - its really more about what works for you and the child.

I have also been asked - what next - if they are already three - then what. Your Child's Self-Esteem is by Dorothy Corkille Briggs. This is an older book with no quick fixes because its more preventative - how helping your child with self-esteem will help them with life. Its a bit hard to read and a little slow but really worth while - in fact, I like the concepts better. It reminds us that the way we talk to our children really matters - the actual words, the tones, and how they perceive it. For example, instead of saying, "Good Boy!" as praise - be specific about what makes them good,"You are so good at listening!" If you know Cheryl, she kept it on her bedside while raising her children.

Books, Books, Books - Four

Throw out the words for once. Don't read the story - invent a new one using the pictures. I would say follow a secondary character (for example the mouse in Goodnight Moon). Or if there is a toy that's in all of the pictures tell the story from the toy's point of view.

Why? Well, it mixes it up (I get so tired of some stories) AND it makes the books more three dementional.

Tantrums

Please help. My 10 month-old has begun throwing serious fits. He screams at the top of his lungs. He normally does it when he wakes up in the morning or when I am trying to get him to take his bottles. Do you have any suggestions?

I don't have many child rearing books I am a fan of...but The New First Three Years is really excellent. It suggests that the first three years are the most important of life (in all truth, I think that whatever age your child is "now" is the most important time but I like to read about how important the first few are because some days it doesn't feel that way).

One main idea is to prevent the demand cry - by giving the most attention when they are happily playing - instead of when they are crying. One way I interpreted this: if my baby started crying in his crib I would casually enter the room - not even looking at him - as if though the sunlight brought me in - not the crying. Once I did "notice" I would try and cheer them up in the crib (ie. playing peek a boo) before I got them out. And the second their little frown cracked into I smile I swoop them up with a "What a happy boy!"

Now here's the shocker...the author suggests that preventing the terrible two's and tantrums is possible (and personally, I think that if terrible two's are nothing compared to terrible three's if you haven't figured it out). There are a lot of suggestions - but one main thing is really sticking to your word. If you say I'll play with you in a minute - do. And if you say no more cookies and you are in the grocery store and tears have started - still don't get the cookies. Stick to your word - no matter what!

Here's the stinky thing, little ones will throw little tantrums - and its best to let it run its course - in other words ignore, ignore, ignore. I know that one of the best tools is to distract a fussy kid but I wouldn't use it here. Once a tantrum begins just walk away. You could try distract them a few minutes later by going into their bedroom and starting to play with their toys without them...have a lot of fun, "Mr. Garbage Truck can you smash all this garbage - crunch, munch," & other various boy noises that are untypeable.

But if it always is at the same time, I would try switching up the bottle time. Get the bottle out in a different place. Sit on the ground instead of the couch...it sounds like it could be habitual - so you just need to change the routine enough that it feels new.

That's just a start...good luck! Stay patient (that's the hardest part!) And I am sorry I am slow in publishing this - I thought I already had - so if you've already figured out a solution you'll have to let us know what worked!

Painting: Mother and Child by Raphael

Guest Blogger - Kyndra

Someone asked a question about baby gear. And I'm afraid that's where my expertise ends. So, I've done the best thing I can think of...ask Kyndra. I met Kyndra the first day I moved to Manhattan. And she has always been the kind of friend that knows - the good chocolate places, the great restaurants, the places to go and see and do. And let me tell you, she is a researcher. I remember when she was looking at strollers - she wasn't satisfied until she has searched every option (state side and abroad). She asks around - she tries them out. So, thank you so much gear gal for doing your homework so we can benefit!

I would very much be interested in hearing more on the gear subject. What really worked for everyone??

(see below for her answer)

Carriers by Kyndra

I remember seeing some people carrying their babies on their chests in a baby carrier and thinking, "That is so weird." When my brother's wife strapped their baby to his chest in a Snugli when we went to the mall one day together, my brother turned to me and said, "This is so embarrassing" and I must admit I was embarrassed to be seen with him because it seemed so ridiculous to be carrying a baby around on your chest. It just seemed so "earthy" and "primitive," and even unclassy to me at the time. And then I moved to New York and had a baby...

I have two children now and I swear by the importance of baby carriers. I think I didn’t put my second baby in a stroller more than 3 times before the age of 5 months. I carried him everywhere, and I still carry him 90% of the time now that he is 7 months old. I am a big fan of carriers because I believe they reduce fussiness, allow you to bond with your baby, help you to run errands with greater convenience, keep your baby safer, let your baby sleep better than in the stroller when you need to be on the go, and with a carrier you don’t need a double stroller just because you have two kids. Let me take you through my journey in baby carriers and also what I have come across in the land of mommies.

The Baby Bjorn My first Bjorn didn’t have a lumbar support and my back always hurt when I used it. I then upgraded to one with a lumbar support and it was better, but still not perfect with my baby as she got heavier and heavier. I would suggest not buying a Bjorn that doesn’t have the lumbar support because you’ll eventually wish you had it. There are other brands of carriers similar to the Bjorn style (Snugli for example) but everyone I have known with those brands covets the Bjorn’s comfort and ease. The Bjorn is great for younger babies (beginning with 8 pounds). They face inward to you and just fall asleep for hours – HOURS! When they can hold up their heads they can face outward and check out their world. It’s fun to hear the baby giggle and be excited about everything, and people on the streets love to see your baby’s face. I found that around 20 pounds my back couldn’t handle the weight of the baby anymore (even though it is safe up to 25 pounds), so that is when I packed my Bjorn away.

My second carrier was the Kelty Tour. I had a few friends suggest this so I gave it a try. I liked that my daughter was high up and looking at the world, but I didn’t find this convenient. I didn’t like that I couldn’t carry other things with me when I had her in this. It was bulky, uncomfortable, hit people on the subways, and didn’t give me the full freedom I was looking for. I also felt like I needed to go get a massage after wearing it for more than an hour. So I donated this to a church yard sale and was done with it. Some people like this though, but I won’t recommend it after finding something better…

One day my life changed. My friend told me about the Ergo Baby Carrier. I immediately looked up their website and purchased the carrier. I think I found heaven when I found this carrier. Life has never been the same. This carrier was different than the others. Whereas the others had my baby hanging by the crotch and pulling straps on my shoulders, this had my daughter in an actual sitting position around my waist, which then distributed the weight to my hips – NOT my shoulders! I could also wear her on my back (for hiking), my hip (for times I wanted to talk to her and be about walking), or my front (which is easiest for everyday errands so I can still wear a backpack and sit with her on the subway). Also, this carrier holds up to 40 pounds! I like that this carrier has pockets on the front big enough for my wallet, subway card, and 2-3 diapers and wipes! I was a free woman! I carried my 32 pound daughter on a 7 mile hike through hills and trails with this and never was sore or tired of carrying her. I love taking this traveling because I carry my baby in it through the airport, then fold it up in the overhead bin. This carrier has a head support that comes up and snaps behind your neck when the baby is in front, and snaps in some loops on the straps if the baby is in back. This is used when the baby sleeps and you don’t want their head bobbing around everywhere. The Ergo is good for babies beginning at 4-6 months. Before that you need an infant insert that lays them in sling-style in the carrier. I used the infant insert sometimes with my baby, but because I had a Bjorn I usually used that instead because it is more convenient when dealing with a newborn. However, if I were to only get one carrier, it would be the Ergo (or Beco below) with the infant insert.

A carrier extremely similar to the Ergo is the Beco Baby Carrier. From what I understand from others, it is almost identical in function to the Ergo, but the difference is that the head support is higher up so you don’t need the head support like the Ergo has. I do like the Ergo head support because it provides shade for the sleeping baby’s head, but with the Beco you can purchase a solar veil hood too. I also can’t tell, but from the information about it, I don’t think the Beco’s pocket in the front is as roomy as the Ergo, but I really don’t know for sure. The fact that there is a pocket is still wonderful since most carriers don’t have one. I must say that there is quite a cute range of prints that the Beco comes in so it is very hip and stylish, but here is something to remember when picking your print: no self respecting husband is going to wear a girly flower print baby carrier, so pick one you know your husband will be willing to don! Also, the Beco has an infant insert just like the Ergo for newborns.

Another option in baby carriers is the sling. There are so many slings on the market, and almost all of them are similar in design and everyone seems to be happy with their slings, so I don’t think there is any ONE I can recommend. Check out Baby Center’s website with reviews about slings (and other products!) and just decide on the one you think is cutest and has a pocket for your keys, phone and wallet essentials. The sling is good for the first 3-5 months and then you will probably want to switch to a more substantial carrier when the baby is heavier and can wiggle around more.

I hope this helps! I love baby carriers and think it is a shame that the stroller market has taken away from the bonding time a mother and baby could be having. There is a time and a place for strollers, but for me, option one is always the carrier. Does that make me “earthy?”

Hitting

my 11-month-old hits. he's done it since he was little, but mostly when he was excited and couldn't control his arms. well, now he can (control his arms) and he still hits. but it's not when he's excited anymore. when he's mad or frustrated, he smacks us. the worst is that he hits my older son (3). i put him down on the floor and tell him in a firm voice "we don't hit" and walk away. it makes him cry but it's the only thing i can think of...only it doesn't work. any suggestions?

Hitting...I remember thinking that I would need to worry about hitting from my toddler - but nope, you are right, it's the baby who is wildly hitting that seems harder to teach.

Take a step back and work on the problem from a new angle (I think the angle you are working is perfect). Here are just a few more thoughts...

Try. Talk to the three year old. You will want to make sure that no matter how many times he is hit, that he won't start hitting back (because an older child just hits harder). So, I like to think of it as suring up the foundation. Ask him, "What should we do when baby hits?" or laugh with him "Baby just hit me...I think he doesn't know how to use his arms yet. They swing so wild - its like he's a windmill (do the windmill action)." Help him laugh at the baby's actions - its so much easier to deal with things when we don't feel attacked. This way you can have a meaningful look with him, when he does get hit.

Maybe. Sometimes giving his hands something else to do - when babies are first learning that hitting motion - I like to direct it into a clap. Something you can do constructively. But, he may have passed the stage that this is helpful.

Something else. Give him a box or drum to bang on. When he feels like swinging calmly remind him that hands aren't for hitting, but for playing drums or giving hugs. Really give him a lot of attention while he is hitting the drum.

Perhaps. This is my person plan with babies. I would scoop up your three year old and without a second thought leave the room and as you walk away calmly say "We can't play with Sam when he is hitting." Sometimes the best punishment is taking yourself away.

Also. I think modeling is so helpful. If he hits and causes tears - have him look at your crying son and say, "Hitting makes John feel so sad." Then help him use his arms to be soft on your arm. "Being soft makes Mommy so happy."

There's a start, what else works for hitting?

Painting: A Chinese Baby by Mary McMullin

Books, Books, Books - Three

When you have an itty bitty, non-crawler at home there seems to be a lot of time for staring. You stare at the baby, the baby stares back -- there's a lot of it. So, one of my favorite things to do was to prop my baby on his tummy and prop books all around them. You know - turn the baby blanket into a museum of Sandra Boynton, Spot, and Maisy illustrations. And as they stare at the colors and characters you will find they have favorites at such an early age. And I always tend to fill my library with the favorites!