Just Go to Bed!

My hubby has been deployed for two weeks and ever since he left, my two daughters (ages 2 and 3) have been staying awake after I put them in bed. They've been making messes, doing dangerous things, coming downstairs wanting this and that and everything they can come up with... I think part of the problem is that my two year old is trying to give up her nap (the 3 year old has been done with naps for a long time). She refuses to stay in her room for naps and ends up falling asleep on the couch or the floor... And then we have bedtime battles again. I've tried to cut the nap out completely, but I cannot for the life of me get her to stay awake until bed time--even an earlier one! What can I do?

Nights are hard as is, but I can only imagine what you are going through. I'm guessing that nighttimes aren't just hard for your girls, but for you too. Here are a few thoughts...

I wouldn't give up the two year old's nap just yet. If it is three hours, you could always wake her after one, but I would probably just let her sleep. So, here are some ideas to help with the bedtime routine...

1. Dark. I think it helps to get the room as dark as possible. Then, they aren't able to get up and make as much trouble. It is hard in the summer because it stays light so late, but I would even pin towels up to give it a try, if your windows aren't dark enough.

Bath before Bed. I think that one of the hardest things before sleep is just calming our bodies down. And the more calm the children are before you put them in their beds, the easier it will be for them to drift off to dream land. And there is nothing like a WARM bath to calm the muscles.



Music. I remember trying to sing to my children as they were in their bed, and one of them saying, "Mom, please don't sing any more." And even with a wounded ego I think that lullabies are awesome for ending the night. I think that a turning on a CD as you leave the room is one of the best things. We have a bunch of lullaby music that I rotate. It is nice to have something to listen for...tell them to listen for the song about Winne the Pooh (Kenny Loggins has a Return to Pooh Corner lullaby CD).

Choose Wise Words. If I hear, "But I don't want to go to sleep." I always respond with, "OK, You don't have to go to sleep tonight. But you do have to lie still and quietly and rest your body. But don't close your eyes. Have a nice quiet time. Love you (kiss, kiss). Now if you get out of bed, you are going to have to go to sleep. But if you stay in bed and lie still, than you can stay awake." I think Mary Poppins has her own "Stay Awake" song, now that I think about it. I guess this idea is centuries old.

Don't Give In. If you let them stay up with you on the couch, they will know that if they push hard enough, there is a chance you will do it again. So, stick to your word (whatever you decide your word should be).

Stagger Bedtime. Sometimes, I think that two just fuel the fire. So, often I will put one to bed (whoever sleeps the most soundly) and then put the other one down a half an hour later. Sometimes I switch it, so it isn't really an age or specific child each time. But, sometimes it helps.

Break the Cycle. It sounds like getting out of bed is the new routine. So, sometimes it takes something to break the cycle. Stay up really late with movie and popcorn. Put up a tent in the front room, and sleep in it. Put a sleeping bag in their room for a sleepover. If you can do something a few nights in a row, you can start with your new plan with a fresh start.

Think Ahead. Whatever the viable excuses they give, try and preempt them...have them go potty last thing. Bring a glass of water with you, and let them have a final sip.

Take Away a Sleep Friend. When I am really at my wits end, I usually take away a privilege. So, if they sleep with a pacifier, or a blanket, or a certain stuffed animal, I use it as leverage. I say, "Blankie Blue doesn't want to be in bed with you if you aren't sleeping. So, if you get out of bed again, I'll have to take Blue." Sometimes the tears that come from Blankie leaving are perfect for then returning Blankie minutes later with the immediately relief.

Those are a few ideas! Good luck - let us know if anything works - and if not, I can brainstorm a few more!

Doctor's Visits

Any tips on how to handle kids at a doctor? I work at the office and parents come in all the time and let their kids go crazy. They trash the office and the patient rooms and leave us to clean up after them. I have crayons and lots of pictures to give to kids when they are needing something to do but not very often it works. It is starting to worry everyone not only for the cleanliness of the clinic but for their safety as well. What is the best way on our part to keep kids behaved for just an hour? HELP!

What a great question. I appreciate the chance to look at this question from a different angle.

I know that personally, I am hyper sensitive in a Doctor's office...I don't really want my children touching anything. If I had my wish I would freeze them in some quiet pose and read my magazine until it was our turn. But unfortunately, going to the doctor's is almost like being on sensory overload. There are so many new things in one room - scales, and tables, and tools. So, Doctor's visits are always a bit tricky...there is a lot of waiting in an unfamiliar (but tempting) environment. When I lived in New York I would save my best toys and special snacks for the doctor -- but the wait time was at least a half an hour. And it was hard.

But, for you, I would suggest making the expectations really clear. When the nurse brings a patient to the room I would suggest that you have them say something like, "The doctor will be here in 5 minutes (or whatever time is accurate) and until the doctor comes feel free to draw with crayons (or read the books--whatever is in the room for the children) and please do NOT step on the scale nor touch any of the doctor's instruments (it would be here that they lay out the expectations). I would hope that everyone would be trying their best, but I think sometimes the lack of expectations keeps the bar too low. So, I say, set the appropriate expectations BUT be sure to share them with the patients. I know that I am never entirely certain what I can and can't touch (so, I usually default to the touch nothing policy) but I am sure that there are others that default to the touch everything policy.

Good luck.

PS - I think that crayons is a really nice gesture, but a little scary. Have you seen those wax sticks or model magic - less dangerous than crayons!

Painting: Norman Rockwell's Before the Shot

Back Talk

I need advice on how to handle a 4 year old little girl who talks back like a 13 year old. Time out has not worked, telling her we do not talk to mom or dad like that has not worked and many other tactics. What tips can you offer for this issue??

Here's a simple one to try...

Let's say you ask your daughter to, "Go and pick up the toys in the bedroom." And you get a response like, "murmur, murmur, back-chat, back-chat, no-thank you" (or something)...try instead giving her a model of the right way to respond and just tack it on to your question. So, it would go like this, "Go and pick up the toys in the bedroom [change to a higher pitch] Oh, sure, mommy, I'd love to."

Just assume there will be some back talking, because habits are hard to break. But you can preempt her and try and replace the habit with a new one.

This is just a side note (and something that I have thought about for awhile). I know that when my kids approach me with a question like, "We're hungry can you get me something to eat...Will you play trains with me...Come see this, Mom..." that a lot of times I give the "in a minute" answer. It is a mom's own version of back talk. So, I've made a conscious effort to answer, "Yes! I'd love to..." if the answer will eventually be a yes. I try to make the yes something they hear me say. And think about the way your husband, or father responds to your questions. Is it will a, "Sure, honey" or something else? The more you can model the behavior you want your children to exhibit, the better!

Painting byMorisot: Artist's sister with her child

Summer Break

Have you noticed I've been on Summer break? Well, the truth is, I felt a sudden inadequacy...I mean, really, who am I to think I know the answers. Because, I don't. And I'm not anyone in particular.

But, I think those are the common factors; we don't have answers and we are just normal people. Parenting isn't a 2 + 2 = 4 kind of equation. But we care because the stakes are so high (not my words, but my sentiment). And so because we care, we'll keep thinking about the problems, in hope that we will find the solution that is right for us. It is probably a different solution than my neighbor, but it works for my kids, in my house, for me.

And I'll try to answer questions, but feel free to add your two cents. Because the more cents, the more sense we can make out of our own questions and doubts.

Thanks for your questions!

Books, Books, Books - Seven

Foam Bathtime Letters are the best toy ever invented. You can take an "O" and stick a "T" into it to build a little raft. In fact, you can make all kinds of rafts you want. And if you make enough rafts, your child will start asking for the "boat parts" by name. "Mom, where is that "L" it makes the perfect anchor."

I think it is much better to learn about letters when kids don't even know they are learning - it beats flashcards!

Painting: Ulysses deriding Polyphemus - Homer's Odyssey by William Turner

Street Danger

My hands are full with a very busy and quick little 2 1/2 year old boy and a 5 mo old infant. When home I'm able to juggle both of their needs and am glad for the time being that my 5 mo old isn't mobile yet. Today I went to the library with a friend who also has young children. My friend said, "I'm afraid your little boy is going to be hit by a car, he just runs straight out into the street without fear" I realized I have got to find an effective way to teach him that the street equals danger!!!! I always explain to him that cars don't stop for little boys and he needs to stop when he gets to the street to wait for mom and dad to help him cross. Obviously what I'm doing is not working. Please help me with a strategy to teach him to stay away from the street!!

This is a situation I recently faced. I will share with you the why and what of my actions.

I was trying to load the car with the diaper bag, a large stack of boxes for the mailbox, and my children. Just as I got the last box in, out of the corner of my eye I saw that my little one put his foot in the street.

I turned and yelled, "STOP!" I didn't use a you-are-in-so-much-trouble voice, but more of a panicked-what-if-there-were-a-car voice. I ran over to him, as if though he had been hurt by a car. And scooped him up and said, "Are you alright?" over and over. I started kissing his arms and legs, "telling him that I was so happy his arms were safe and his legs didn't get hurt."

I think that my mind's eye had taken me to the moment of a car crash and I wanted him to feel my fear that something really bad could happen (more than anger or a casual response). I wanted him to feel the gravity. And when I started crying (yes, I am pretty sure the tears were more real than forced), I then told him that it isn't safe...something very bad could happen (I think I used the words tire and squish - but I can't remember) and that he always has to hold my hand in the street. He started crying a little bit, realizing how serious, not because I was angry, but because he had done something that made me scared and very sad.

We haven't had another problem. He is very careful, and I have now empowered him to help me check both ways and tell me when it is safe. But, he always has a hand.

So, that is the what. The why is that sometimes I think helping a child understand the emotion behind a serious situation helps them learn. Sure, some kids can be told not to go near the street, and just won't. But, I think it is important to help teach them, that it isn't just a rule - don't eat on the couch - or something. That it is about safety, and the consequence could be really big.

I am sure there are other ways, so please share what has worked for you...





Painting: Paris Street, Rainy Day, 1877/Gustave Caillebotte — The Art Institute of Chicago

Timing

My husband and I have been married many years now and he has an excellent stable career that he plans to be with until retirement. We own our home and I am ready to start our family. He thinks otherwise. He would like to wait another few years and I am getting very frustrated. I know we should wait until both husband and wife want to have children but I am starting to wonder if he will ever come around and what it will finally take to have him ready. Do I shut my mouth and try to not get frustrated or is there anything to be done?

I think one important thing to realize is that it isn't about being ready right this minute. It is about being ready nine months from now. It might make it easier to think of that way.

But, definitely do not shut your mouth. I think that being emotional honest is really important - and I would perhaps suggest that you pick a time (a starting and ending time) and a date to sit down and talk about this very question.

To Kindergarten or Not to Kindergarten...

My first child has a birthday in November. The cut off date for school here is December 1st. So my son could start preschool this fall or I could hold him back and wait a year. I put him in a formal preschool this year with every intention of sending him to Kindergarten this fall. However, now that he is in preschool (and loving it) my husband and I are seriously considering waiting another year before sending him to Kindergarten. He's a great kid, smart, tall, athletics are in his blood. He's confident, well adjusted, yada yada yada. So him being the youngest in his class wouldn't be a problem. I've got a 2 1/2 year old and an 8 month old at home as well, who also keep me busy. Would it be better to have my son home another year to help strengthen his character and possibly make school a bit easier for him as he will be older? Or would we be doing him a disservice by holding him back thus making him bored in school? We are soooo on the fence on this issue and would love any insight you can provide.

Hard Question (and of course, I remember you!) - I was on that boy-born-in-December fence. And because it is so personal I don't think I can give you a do or don't...but I can share the thoughts I've had and information I collected in the process:

Sign-Up - It doesn't hurt to sign up now. It almost helped taking my son to the school he might attend. It made it real for him and I was able to really listen to those instincts. It helped make my decision when I knew more and was in waist deep. You can always change your mind and start later.

The Shifting Deadline - So, the deadline for Kindergarten is different everywhere. In Manhattan it is the end of the year. In California it is December 2nd-ish. In many midwest states it is September. So, if you are planning on moving or changing - you may want to look into where you will go, because those will be his peers.

The Current Trend - In general, more and more children (especially the boys) are being held back. At one point we were looking into private schools in NY and even the parents with children who had summer birthdays were holding them back. It was just nice to know.

Social Aspect - So, in general, boys seem to blossom a bit slower than girls...especially socially. So, I would really ask myself about how he interacts with other children. Is he ready to voice his opinion and start conversations (aka Please don't take my puzzle piece or I was watching Bionicles...)?

Physical Aspect - Most Kindergartners are skipping and running and running and running. They are starting all of those American sports - basketball, soccer...and did I mention running?! So, if he is ready to just join in then that is a really good sign.

Bored in School? - I feel like this is a common concern. But, I have to say, that Kindergarten is such a new change - new rules, new friends, new schedule - that this isn't really a major problem. And not surprisingly, the kids are bright and the level of learning is quite high. I've heard it said that Kindergarten is the new first grade...

More Time at Home - Although it wasn't the case, I felt like I was saying good-bye forever at the door of the Kindergarten Room. I was no longer his only influence. He was going out into the world and had I taught him enough kindness or helped fill him with self-esteem? But, your influence isn't lost when he leaves. In fact, it is expanded as you get to talk through new situations. We talk about situations - What would you do if this boy says this or does this? It is nice to know that it isn't the end.

Think Down the Road - Do you remember being the first friend with a Driver's License - or were you the last? And does that matter to you at all as a parent?

Just so that you know, either way will be ok, he'll be ok. I worried that I would significantly be shifting my child's life...but as long as your instinct isn't a loud, "No!" it is going to work out with all of the bumps that any road has. In the end, school will happen now or in a year. And it will all work out...just make sure you open all the doors you can!

Cat Naps or Rather, Baby Naps

My little one is 4 and half months old now, and I can't seem to get her on the 9/1 nap schedule. She wakes up about 7, then I try and put her down and 9, and she won't have it. it maybe will last for an hour at most, and then I have to get her up, and then she'll be tired again by 11, and then she'll take a good nap, but then I have to give here a later nap around 3. So she takes 3 naps a day instead of 2 long ones. Is this just normal, and I should be glad for the extra time on my hands, or is there something else I can do?

I don't think normal is a word that ever works with naps - oh, how I wish. But, waking up at 7 - that's not too bad to start with! And, I think that it is still fairly common to be on three naps.

I think transitioning from three to two, and from two to one is one of the harder things to do.

The only advice I can offer is that the first nap of the day is the most important nap. If you can get a good first nap in, the whole day goes more smoothly, including following naps. So, here's something you could try: give an earlier first nap. I've always noticed that little ones get tired so quickly in the mornings (literally 45 minutes or an hour after they awaken). So, watch your little one, and the first time she yawns or rubs her eyes, put her down then. And then do everything in your power to be perfectly silent that first hour. It is your best chance for her learning to take a two hour nap. Once she gets into deep sleep, she'll stay asleep that next hour.

So, to recap, put her down earlier! Be as silent as you can (while you are experimenting) to give her a chance to stay asleep longer.

I know it is our nature to think, I've got an hour, what can I get done. But, if you read or stay really quiet, you can let her natural sleeping habits take place. Of course, third and fourth babies don't get the luxury and still turn out wonderfully. But, while you have the chance, help her take that longer nap, because it will ultimately make your life easier when you don't feel tethered to the crib.

Anyhow, does anyone else have ideas?

Painting: Road with Cypress and Star by Van Gogh

Learning to Read

What was that website again to help kids with reading where you put the letters into the machine and words come out?
I think you are thinking of...The Letter Factory and the Talking Words Factory by Leap Frog. Love them, and think they taught my child to read - by the by, saw the movies at Target for 9.99 just last week...As for a website - Starfall is all the rage amongst starting to read Kindergarteners.

Screaming

My 18-month-old son has been going through a big screaming phase recently. I'm wondering if these are just normal tantrums. He seems to scream when I can't give him my undivided attention (e.g. I'm cooking dinner) or when he gets frustrated that he can't communicate what he wants (he doesn't have many words yet). Any thoughts on how to survive until he can talk more and on helping him not be so upset when I can't give him all my attention?

I feel like this is the cop out answer...but I think that screaming is just part of it all. If I could think of a way to entirely be rid of screaming I am certain I could win some award - a Nobel Peace Prize perhaps!

But, I think that there are some things you could probably do to help.

"Use your words" - This is a favorite phrase of mine. I think that little ones that are starting to use words forget to use them entirely when they are frustrated so they fall back on their infantile way to deal with needs - crying. So, sometimes, calmly saying, "Use your words," can actually really help.

Let him help you - It might take twice as long to cook dinner, but if you get him out his own bowl and spoon and entreat him to help you with dinner it can help. I know that my three year old is a permanent helper now (he's been sitting on the counter so long, he now knows it is his roll, so he comes running into the kitchen at the sound of a mixer - to help).

Talk, Non-Stop - I think it goes against most of our nature to just talk and talk and talk. But, when you are cooking dinner and your hands are full, your mouth is probably not (except for occasional tasty morsels). So, I would narrate what you are doing - give your own little cooking show for your child. Help him decide which lettuce you should use for the salad. Tell him that you are chopping up an orange carrot. Tell him what is happening, but also use it as a time for imagination. If your child likes trucks, or balls, talk about those things. Say things like, "It is a good thing the garbage truck isn't in our kitchen because he may smash these carrots and then we couldn't eat them...you know, the strange stuff that kids like to hear.

Painting: Acceptance by Cezanne

To Do Ideas

Every week, my son's teacher gives a list of fun learning ideas - it always helps spark my creativity - so I thought I'd share this week's...

Play With Me - Ideas for Learning
1. Take a walk together. When you get home, draw a picture and write a message about what you saw.
2. Say your phone number. Write it down. Learn your address.
3. Help fold the laundry.
4. Count the windows in your house. Help wash a window for spring cleaning.
5. Look for something beautiful outside. Tell someone about it.
6. Write a list of 5 things that are red in your house.
7. Read a book.
8. Put on some music and make up a dance.
9. Find a picture in a magazine and make up a story about it.
10. Draw nutritious foods that you like on a paper plate.
11. Hop, skip, gallop, and jump outside.
12. Say some nursery rhymes. Tell which words rhyme.
13. Practice what you would do if there were a fire at your house.
14. Find 8 objects that start with "B."
15. Teach a song to your family.
16. Think of words that rhyme with "man," "cat," "like," "hot," and "bee."
17. Cook something for your family to eat.
18. Go on a shape hunt around your house. Find squares, triangles, and circles.
19. Play "I SPY" with beginning letters: "I spy something that starts with D."
20. Name the months in a year.
21. Draw a picture for someone you love.
22. Read the cereal boxes in your cupboard.
23. Count the spoons in your drawer. Count the forks. Add them together.
24. Make an ABC book about any topic or theme you like...The ABC's of Valentine's Day (For each letter of the alphabet think of a word that starts with that letter and relate it to Valentine's Day...A is for _____, B is for ____, C is for ____, etc.)

Thanks, Maribeth!

Medication Question

My 8 month old son recently had two doses of a medication that was transfered through my breastmilk (doctor's said it wouldn't, but side effect tabs and on-line medicine info confirmed it) which has made him throw up violently several times. It was scary! But the medication is out of my system and out of HIS now and he acts happy and healthy all day long...but he is waking up in the middle of the night throwing up! Is this just a case of a weakened reflex or should I worry that something else is wrong?

I am so sorry.

I would definately call your doctor and at very least talk to the "advice nurse." I'm not a doctor and I don't know about the specific medications you were on...but I think it is best to be safe. Isn't it great to know that we can talk to our doctors without having to drag our kids into the office!

But, personally, certain medicines last longer in some people's system than other's - I can take a Claritin and be great for three weeks, it has always lasted longer than 24 hours for me. But, I know that I am really sensitive to all medicines...you may just have a really sensitive one on your hands.

I hope he gets all-the-way better soon!

Bedtime Troubles

My five year old is going through a bedtime regression. She use to go to bed fine after her nightly routine, but recently she throws HUGE tantrums. She claims she's afraid of the dark, or needs water, or wants someone to come sleep with her because it's not fair that mommy and daddy get to sleep together. Nothing in our routine has changed and we've tried everything (a lamp, a night light, a bedtime water bottle, even locking her in)! Any ideas on what might be causing this and what else we can do?

I am soooo sorry. Kidney stones is my excuse. But, you probably talked to a sister or a friend and already got better advice then I could give (isn't that the genius of community) but in case you haven't here is a thought.

I feel like this idea is true with adults as well as kids. Somehow, we can all get focused on our fears or sorrows and the more we focus the bigger they feel. So, no doubt, she is really feeling afraid or worried. But, instead of trying to fix the thirst or dark. I would try from a totally different angle.

I would get her favorite doll/stuffed animal or even get a new one (preferable a baby or young animal), and then tell your daughter that this baby doesn't like to go to bed. In fact, the baby doesn't know how to go to bed. I would start the dialog in the morning and keep it going all day. Help her mother the baby. And then before bed, take your little one AND the doll to get water, turn on the light. And have your daughter tell the doll all of the reasons it is ok. She will become the authority. She will be the one taking care of the doll. Sometimes, it just takes a different focus...

Another thing I always say, is, "You don't have to go to sleep. You can stay awake all night. You just have to lie still. But, certainly don't close your eyes." You could let her listen to a cd of lulluby music so she can focus on that instead of her fears.

A final idea. You can tell her that you can't sleep in her room, but that you will miss her so much that you will sit outside of the bedroom door. And really do it. Do it for a week or two. She'll get up and out of bed and see that you are really there and it will help build the confidence. It takes a little while - but it is worth it when the sleep routine is back to do-able!

Painting by Sharp: Blanket Bull, Crow Papoose 1908

"You parents, you fathers and mothers…live the kind of exemplary lives before your children that they will find in you the polar star to which they can look as they shape their own lives."

Gordon B. Hinckley

Potty Training - Making the Toilet Fun

I need as many ideas as possible here since I seem to have exhausted them all here. I'm potty training, and the problem isn't bladder control, it's physically getting my three and a half old daughter on the toilet!! She won't sit on a training toilet, a special seat on the toilet, or the toilet itself, in fact she refuses to go in the bathroom these days. When I try to get her to go she says over and over, "I can't do it, it's too hard, it's not working." I have tried any sort of bribery, I have tried taking away all that is most dear and precious to her (candy, cartoons, pacifier), asking her to not pee, just sit on the toilet and count to 5 (or even 2 gor goodness sakes), sending her to bed early... Seriously, my child cannot be coerced to do anything she doesn't want to. No form of bribery, punishment or reward works on her. Any ideas I'm not thinking of?

Ok, you need to make the toilet the best part of the entire house. It needs to be a party! Some of the ideas may be over the top, but you'll get the feel for what I am saying.

First of all, I wouldn't try and convince her - I don't think reason and ration help with a determined 3 year old (if she says it's too hard, she'll stick to it). So, I would just focus on getting her to sit on the toilet.

A potty present is the first idea. Buy her a special potty present - the catch: she can only play with it on the toilet. So, to unwrap it, she has to be sitting (not going) on the potty.

A potty party is another idea. Decorate the bathroom with streamers and balloons. Have your little one help you in the kitchen. Make potty cookies, or potty hot chocolate. Again, she can only eat the treat when sitting on the toilet. But, really talk it up the entire time you are making them. And then I would even say something like, "I want the first potty cookie!" I get to sit on the toilet first. Let her see you sit on the toilet. And make sure you have a running dialog, "This is so fun. I love to sit on the toilet. I feel so grown-up. Babies can't sit on toilet, but I can!" You get the idea. But, it is good for kids to see their parents on the toilet, especially if they have an aversion or fear.

Ok, this is silly, but have you ever thought of plugging the tv into a closer outlet, so that they can watch their favorite show on the potty. A potty show, I guess...I know it is crazy, but sometimes you just need them to happily sit there. I never tried this one, but I heard of it and loved it!

Finally, story time on the potty. I am telling you, that I did a lot of reading to my eldest on the toilet.

It sounds like you just need to make the bathroom the best place for awhile - if she's got the control, the next part will be easy! Good luck!

Potty Training - Regression

I have a 4 year old boy, who shows his stress through his accidents. I could give you details, like he has been potty trained for over a year but not through the night - which in my experience is normal. I have 4 kids and he is number 3. He is very verbal and extremely physical (he can ride a 2 wheeler), but the question is...What can I do to help a preschooler who takes out his stress by peeing in his pants? Any thoughts?

Thoughts...you know I do!

I feel like every child is so unique when it comes to potty training. And the fact that your little guy is in preschool tells me this - his world is changing and different. School at any age poses new situations and frustrations. There can be a new situation everyday, and he could be taking in more than you could ever imagine. And to be number three of four means that he has a lot going on at home. Any given day there are so many people, and infinite number of situations and he is probably really sensitive (a tangent - I just love third children, they are so wonderful and good, they are my favorites).

I feel like the first thing you can do is spend extra time with him. Not talking about potty training or accidents. Just something personal - coloring, playing basketball, cooking. Invite him (literally, you could make an invitation) or just ask him to do something with you. Just you two. And while you are coloring, make sure you tell him how wonderful he is. Really build his confidence. Help him remember how important he is.

The secret weapon - DADS. I would have his dad do the same thing. Spending extra time for at least two weeks will really help how he feels about himself. The most balanced child in the world can loose confidence when they are nervous about something (and he probably doesn't even know he is - he could never verbalize it). But, really have his dad make time for him alone, just while things are rough.

And then, when an accident does happen, treat it as if though you were cleaning up after dinner - totally routine. Don't give it extra attention - don't talk to him about it.

And then, have him go a lot. Do all of the preventative things you can. I know that this conversation happens a lot: "Go potty..." in response, "But I don't have to go..." But, I can share a phrase that has helped us a lot, we started saying, "Go empty out!" It makes more sense, and solved that "I don't have to" phrase.

I would talk to his teacher. Get her on your side. Most likely, it has to do with preschool stress, so having her be understanding, may help her watch out. Show more patience towards him. All the things a teacher should be doing, but could use a reminder.

And then in about two weeks, if it's still happening, I would start at the beginning. Pretend like he has never been potty trained. And I would work on helping him get through the night. Just have him sleep without pull-ups and be prepared for a couple of busy nights with a lot of cloth changing. When he wets himself in the night, walk him straight to the bathroom and say, "empty out" (even though he probably has nothing left, its the habit you want to establish). You could even do the, "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Blastoff!" And then clean the bed and put him back down. Off course, you probably have the better advice, so be sure to share what worked for your other ones!

Good luck! It is normal - but it is nice to have new ideas, too!

Colic

Colic - what do you do for it? My son and daughter-in-law are exhausted.

I am so sorry for that little sweet baby.

I wouldn't wish colic on any baby or any parents - it is so miserable and never-ending (trust me - I was there). I feel like it is more about managing the situation than ever solving it...

Parents first on this one. I feel like the hardest part with colic is that there is no solving it. So, the most important thing is to learn to take breaks - without doubt - it is a MUST. Buy a lovely lullaby cd - wrap your baby snug - and then leave the room. At another time in the day put your baby in a swing and go to another room and listen to your music. Shower with the door shut so you can't hear the crying. Take several 15 minute breaks throughout the day. Because your baby will be just fine - but you may not be. So, just schedule the breaks as part of the day. The breaks will help you love and give even more. So, its ok!

Babies next. There are ideas that everyone should try - try one or two a day. But don't rush it, there is a good chance nothing will make a difference, but it will ease your mind to know you tried everything:

1. Baby Massage - rub their tummies clockwise

2. LOUD music and the dark

3. A car ride, Sitting on the dryer, anything with a hum and a vibration

4. Swings

5. Tummy Pressure

6. Long Walks

7. Warm baths

I swear it worked. Now most people say that you can't medicate it, but my Doctor (Zimmerman - highly tauted in Manhattan by the plaques on his wall, etc.) prescribed Hyoscyamine (levsine™, or gastrosed™) pronounced hycosamine. It was a gift. It was only used once a day (at night when it always seems the worst). And it was a gift and eased his little stomach - we didn't experience any side effects. I would talk to your doctor about it - and seriously think about trying it once or twice. You would have to go in requesting it, but relief is such a gift for baby and parents!

I wish I would have known. My baby was colicky - but it got worse at feeding times. He would eat really quickly. And I didn't learn until waaay to late that he was lactose intolerant. Lactose Intolerant!! It seems like every other baby these days has food allergies, so it might not hurt to try a soy milk bottle for a 48 period and see how it goes. I really wish I would have known, I feel like it was probably my answer - but at the time I just felt like breast milk was the best gift I could give my crying little baby. I wish someone would have suggested this, so I'll pass it along.

Anyhow, here is a more complete website:
Colic Website

Good Luck! Let us know if anything helps!


Painting: "Mother and Child" by Thomas Sully

Independent 3 Year Old

I have a 3+ year old boy. He has always been very independent...wanting to do everything by "myself!". On the contrary, there are also multiple times a day when he wants ME (and noone else-not even Daddy) to do the most simple task for him. For example, he may drop a toy in the tub and then say, "mommy pick it up!" when it is right in front of him. Or he won't finish eating his food until I spoon feed him, which he can clearly do himself other times. One time, he threw a ball in the neighbor's yard and the neighbor brought it back to him but he wouldn't accept it unless I went back and got it for him where it landed. I most often refuse and stay strong until he'll give in and do it, which usually turns into a big battle, but then there are times in public or in a hurry where I just do it for him to avoid conflict. I feel like he is trying to control me. How would you recommend I handle these situations and do you think there is a reason for his doing this?



Reason 1: Well, if you have given in, then it almost becomes a game. A child's thought could be something like - she did it once, so if I ask long enough she'll do it again.

Reason 2: And the other big one - attention. Sometimes, even if they really have all the attention in the world, they aren't sure - especially around other people (which is what it sounds like is happening).

Solution 1: I feel like it is a phase that will pass - so its more about enduring or getting through it. So, I would just totally give in - end the game. Everytime. Just do it. But, you don't want to feel like your three year old has the one up. So, what if you tried to get the last word (so that you feel like you are teaching him something). In other words, switch tactics.

So, when he asks you to do something respond like this, "When you ask me so kindly it makes me really happy to help you." And if its asked in more of a whine, then I would repeat his sentence exactly with a kind tone and add a please. Usually a child will repeat. If he doesn't. Still, say somthing like, "I really love the word please." And then help him.

Solution 2: I would seriously feed him everytime he asks for about 5 days. And then, once you have switched tactics, start trying to work on it from a different angle. So, with the food, when he is eating by himself be sure to say something like, "Wow, are you a four year old? You are sure using your fork like a big four year old. You must be four." Or something that resembles genuine praise. Then, when he asks to be fed - make sure it isn't any fun. Just do it really absent mindedly - in fact, get on the phone or something. The message being, you will get more attention from me for your good behavior.

To Say or Not to Say

I feel like word choice for talking to your little ones is one of the most important things...and most influential things we do every day.

But, instead of telling them what NOT to do, I like to tell them what TO do. Its hard at first; I say a lot of things like: don't kick your brother, don't dump your water on the floor, don't do every other crazy thing you do...but its so much better to say things like: do use your legs to run around with your brother, do drink your water its a better choice, and do the crazy things that I can live with...

Just a thought.