Imagination & Emotion

I have a question for you... is there a method to the madness of what to teach a kid when? My child knows most of his animals and body parts and I'm trying to decide if there is something I should focus on teaching him next? Seems like colors, numbers or the alphabet should be next.

Nope. No method.

Its really not about "the stuff" at the end of the day. Its about opening up a world of learning. Its really about the process.

Sure - sing the abc's - teach them about color - help them with numbers. But, its so much more fun to turn it all into an adventure. We like to "jump" the abc's. I hold him and jump - every letter a separate jump, each letter gets its own voice (so no confusion with the l,m,n,o,p part). And use numbers to turn off the water in the shower by counting 1 through 10 and shouting blastoff in the end.

But, don't forget about these two important topics...

Emotion! Its so fun to make the faces - babies, toddlers, and little kids love it! And its so important to start attaching emotion to their world. Point out when they are happy, point out when they are scared, angry, silly.

Imagination! The best part of being a kid is that they do this so naturally. They will stir all sorts of concoctions for you to taste. Just help them stretch and develop this talent. When my then four year old was suddenly nervous to go to sleep - I taught him to turn the ceiling into his canvas. We would draw imaginary vehicles and skyscrapers and wacky robots. Then we could erase parts with a wave of our arms. We would paint a picture every night before I said goodnight - and I told him he could stay up as long as he wanted - drawing anything.

Sidenote: at the Museum of Modern Art in NYC they have headsets for kids to listen to - they feel so old carrying it around. And certain paintings have kids commentary. At this Marc Chagall painting the recorded docent asked the child to find an upside down house...it turned it into an awesome hide and seek type experience.
Painting: I and the Village by Marc Chagall

Time-Outs - Yea or Nay?

I'm having trouble with the concept of "time-outs" with my almost 3-year old. I feel like I don't have many extra rooms in my apartment to make her stay in, so where do I put her? She won't seem to stay put on a chair, and there are so few corners to stick her in. How do I make her stay there? I like the Supernanny suggestion of a time-out for however many minutes they are old. I just don't know how to enforce it. Do you use time-outs or something else?
Here's the truth. I've done a lot of time-outs - I used a short stool in the bathroom. I used them - calmly and on occasion out of anger. But, here's the thing, they never really worked. Of course, I felt calmer after a few minutes without a naughty child at my toes, but I don't really think it helped them learn anything. A six year old can sit and think for awhile. But, there are only a handful of little ones that can really process a time-out. Its just too long - and not entirely effective in my experience.

I understand the reasoning behind it - if you do something naughty you get a break from the fun. But, here's how I look at it; child being naughty means something - they want attention, they don't know how to use their words, they want to try out throwing toys like they saw their friend do, or they could simply be frustrated because they are hungry. But, there is a reason. And I like to find the reason and fix that.

Okay, remember: a child would rather have negative attention than no attention.

This was really a huge concept for me. And one of the first things I ask myself is how much attention I have given my child on the day they are really being naughty - are they getting more attention from this disciplining exercise then they would for just playing - do they just want more of me? I was around, but sometimes, not so available. So, first things first, make sure you surprise your child and come play with them the moment they are the most happy. The minute they are the most content - sit by them then.

Ok, now that you've done this and they do something naughty - know that its just a lesson they need to learn. So, think of it less of them having bad behavior - but more of them needing to learn a lesson. Here's what I would try:

1. Give the toy a lecture. You know, the toy that is being thrown. Pick up that toy and really discipline the toy. Tell that toy how disappointed you are that it would try and smash into mommy - or how much that toy hurt. Tell the toy the consequence - that he could break the lamp or make someone bleed - so badly they would need a bandaid. Then, make amends with the toy. Accept the toy's apology. Let the toy kiss your cheek (yes, tractors can kiss) and then turn to you child to elicit their help. "Please, oh please help Tractor to drive on the ground or on the couch but not to throw through the air." (This way you are on your child's side and you are helping them see the consequences, and ultimately teaching them the proper way to use their toy).

2. Or, if there isn't a toy involved - give their favorite toy a time out on a high shelf or the refrigerator. Do it immediately (really hurry to get the favorite toy and put it up high) and say with as few words as possible, "Jojo can NOT play with you when you hit mommy." And then walk away. This way, they aren't getting your attention for doing a naughty act - its quick and painless - and really gets a point across. Sometimes, its harder to see your favorite toy in timeout than to be in one yourself. Leave the toy up until (even hours later) you child is happily doing anything. Then, hurry and get Jojo down. And in that moment warmly say, "You are eating (or playing with your blocks so nicely) that Jojo has to come down. She just wanted to be with you so badly." By the way, with this way, you have to use the favorite toy of the day. So, keep your eyes opened.

3. Now, I know that Supernanny is a big fan of "naughty mats" but I am not really. Especially, if that's its name. It goes back to the whole labeling thing. I have used the word in this post a lot - but I try never to use it at all around my children. I just hate the idea that they would associate themselves with the word naughty. So, be sure when you discipline you state simply what they did incorrectly.

4. I do know someone who didn't have a timeout - but a time in - I think they called timeout Hawaii. And it was a comfy place - with toys and a few books. And the idea behind it is - when you child feels better they play better. So instead of punishing, they wanted to get their child out of a "bad situation"; which usually meant away from themselves for a moment. So, they would say something like "I notice you are having a hard time keeping the blocks on the ground, why don't you rest in Hawaii until you feel like you can build with the blocks without them flying through the air." I've never tried it - but its really about finding the right fit for your child and you.

So, in summary, give them a time-out if you could use one. But, here are a few other tools for your arsenal. As always, I do not have the market cornered. So, what works for you? The more suggestions can only help!

Painting: Van Gogh's Chair by Van Gogh

Toys Disguised

I remember when you had your first, you were finding all sorts of household items that you could play with (i.e. making shapes on the floor with yarn). What other sorts of games/toys have you made up with run-of-the-mill things that your kids have enjoyed? or things they haven't enjoyed?

1. Wax paper is a brilliant toy for babies. They get to explore the crinkle and feel while crawling around.

2. Kitchen Utensils are the world's greatest toy. It doesn't matter what age - they are the best. So, I always like to have a bottom cupboard or drawer filled with the "safe" kitchen things: spoons, whisks, basting brushes, bowls, measuring cups, and of course an unplugged mixer.

3. Yarn on a sheet of sand paper is surprisingly sticky! Not as much fun as I dreamed - but a fun diversion occasionally. Likewise, yarn on carpet is fun - but little ones get tangled quite easily - so I only tried it on occasion.

4. Painters Tape is hands down the best invention. Babies can play with it more safely than other tape - because its not too sticky. Which is also the quality that makes it perfect for making designs on the ground. You should see the airports, roadways, and even sports arenas that come to life with just a little blue painters tape!

5. Empty glass baby food jars can be filled with all sorts of good baby shakables: rice, marbles, nails, a bouncy ball, just use your imagination. Just be sure to super glue or hot glue the lid shut.

6. As the get older - a purse or bag filled with random items is genius: the free credit cards that are fake you get in the mail, an old cheapy Casio watch, a small flashlight, key ring (with keys is the best). Baby's like to pull stuff out of things. And older children like to tote around a bag as well.

7. Fill a pot with potatoes and let a baby pull them out (do a sample run for them first). The "pull out" phase comes before the "put in" phase. So, when a baby can sit this starts to become a fun game.

What "free" ideas do you have?

Painting: Child with a Dove by Pablo Picasso

Screaming

I have a screamer!!! She's got a loud high pitch scream which she now does for fun, when ever her brother is near, or if she doesn't get her way. She's 18 mo. and all my tactics seem to be failing. Please help my ears and sanity PLEEEEEASE.....

So, here's the trick and the truth. You can't simply eliminate bad behavior - its so impossibly difficult...but, you can replace it. So, instead of saying, "Stop!" or "Hush..." or "I'm sending you to Nambia" here's an idea or two...

1. As soon as she screams you could hurry to her side and try to make a different noise - loudly "Ooooooo" or right in front of her face match her scream with a "La,la,la,la,laaaaaa." Remember, we are wee ones mirrors - and the youngest ones simply need a new habit - and you can give it to them.

2. You could also try turning a scream into a silly noise by running your horizontal finger up and down between the lips...I have no idea what its called...the way you make it sound like you are talking under water - you know - though...the silly noise (oh, this is just going to drive me crazy thinking of a name for this action/sound).

3. Or stick your finger in her mouth and tickle her tongue - pretty annoying, even to a 18 month old. Soon enough she might associate something not so nice with an open, screaming mouth. And say something like, "Oh, you wanted me to stick my finger in your mouth." PS. If she likes it when you do this - don't go with this - it could quickly turn into a "fun" game - abort mission.

4. Final idea, yell back - of course - not shouting but mimicking. You know, the copy game, it might make it worse - but one try wouldn't hurt.

Good luck!

Painting: The Scream by Edvard Munch

Rock-a-Bye Baby in the Treetop or Wherever You'll Sleep

Help! My son is seven months old and he doesn't know how to put himself to sleep. (I either nurse him or rock him for naps and bedtime.) This is a problem because he wakes up in the night--an average of two times--and I'm tired of getting up with him when the problem isn't hunger. I've tried letting him cry it out, but he just works himself into a frenzy and after an hour I give up. Plus I'm just a softie and his crying KILLS me. He won't take a pacifier (unless you count me as one). How do you teach a child to go to sleep on his own?

So, this is the hardest thing ever - in my opinion. Some very lucky people bring babies home who sleep through the night day one and two (not fair at all). Other people try the cry it out thing and it works like a charm (although if you haven't tried this and do want to try the Ferber-cry-it-out I would alter it slightly and let your baby cry for three minutes, go in and soothe them without getting them out, go in after six minutes, go in and soothe, and continue adding by three minute increments). But, a lot of babies will cry and cry and cry and work themselves up into hysteria.

Everyone always says 6 months is the time to get babies to sleep through the night. I personally think 8 months is better. They are just older and have more body control.

If a baby is getting up twice it probably means he is getting up right in between his sleep cycles (every three or four hours). Which means he just hasn't learned how to sleep through it yet and he does get a bit hungry just by routine - aka, its going to be a bit of a struggle. There is no magic fix.

But here are some other suggestions; the end result hopefully being a baby who can self soothe...
1. Change his last feeding time. Do it a little earlier than usual and help him to go to sleep an hour after he eats. This will not only help his stomach and sleep cycles be on different timing, but will help him with the process of going to sleep in the first place.

2. Give him a warm bath right before bed - not even necessarily to clean him, but to relax his muscles and body. I always feel a bit sleepier after a warm bath.

3. Post bath, lotion their body - a baby massage to also calm the muscles.

4. Now try to put him in his crib here are random ideas that could work (just try one at a time): wrap his legs in a blanket (tight like you would an infant - but don't do the arms, this age will fight arm wrappings but sometimes a leg wrapping helps them relax their body); play quiet music or soothing sounds (some kids will really focus on the sound and fall asleep); turn on a mobile.

5. Those are the quick fixes. If that doesn't work. You may have to rock him to sleep or hold him; just while he is learning to sleep without you as the pacifier. Once you decide, just don't go back, I swear they know when we are wavering. Anyhow, back to the rocking. If they aren't a thumb or paci kid then help them find something that will soothe. So, while you rock them, take a silky or chenille or any soft blanket and gently rub it on their cheek and and down over their eye lids. If you do this enough, it will teach them how to do it. And eventually, if they wake up in the night and see their blanket - they will reach for it and rub their own cheek with it. In other words, give your baby a tool. A sock to suck on; a pacifier to hold (yes, my little one liked to hold one); a chocolate soufle from Roy's (woops, that's what I like to help soothe) - the point is help them learn to soothe themselves by the way you soothe them.

6. Ok, now back to the crib. When your baby that can now fall asleep without you as a pacifier goes in the crib. You may have to sit beside the bed in the darkness. They may fall asleep - but want you there while they are doing it. Every night move farther away. Even sit outside the door and show them that you are there, just out of sight. Eventually, they will learn. Its slow and slow, but if you don't like the crying, its a choice.

I hope that all doesn't sound too crazy...




Painting: Le berceau (The Cradle) by Berthe Morisot in the Musee d'Orsay, Paris

Finicky Eaters

I need help with food for my almost 3 year old. I feel like I am in a rut, and that she isn't willing to try new things. What are some good food ideas that are nutritious and exciting for kids, and what are some ways to get kids to eat more? How many times do I need to have her try something before I realize she just doesn't like it? Or do I keep trying? Do I use the "go to bed hungry" tactic?

Do Not's
1. Don't give up. It takes ten (10) times of eating any food before we can truly determine if children like something (ok, I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate this if they knew, but there are so many new things, not only taste but texture, etc. to familiarize their little tongues to).

2. Don't worry about starving them. If they don't eat enough at dinner they will make it up the next day (of course children are much crankier without food, so I try not so much for their stomachs but for their moods). And literally their appetites are so small sometimes, but the instant they are growing they will eat so much better. So, worrying isn't worth it.

3. Don't leave them in their high chair too long - it makes crazy associations with food and feeling stuck or unhappy - so just be aware of this.

Do's (these are all debatable, but I'm all about new ideas, my personal favorite is last on the list)
1. Get creative. Kids like a challenge and something exciting, so really plate your meals in an exciting way. Instead of cutting their sandwich into four squares, cut them ragged and pile them high...a Ham Sandwich Mountain...put a dinosaur or a ballerina on top. Or, turn the squares into diamonds and present the sandwich as a butterfly - the favorite meal of fairies.

2. Name the food something different - if you've read I Will Not Ever Never Eat a Tomato (book cover on the side) they call tomatoes- moonsquirters; potatoes - cloud fluff; peas-green drops from Greenland. Boys love nasty Halloween phrases - guts, eyeballs, you know, the words that make us queasy.

3. Soup - Let them use a straw to drink it - Won Ton Soup, Gazpacho, Chicken Noodle...if they feel like it isn't aloud it will make it more fun.

4. Dads have the biggest influence on this sort of thing - if they eat something and love it - talk about how delicious broccoli is and how they know its why they are so tall and strong...it will make a huge difference.

5. Playing with their food - usually this is a sign children are finished. But for some kids if they can play with it long enough, they will absentmindedly put something in their mouth - so just be patient enough to learn which category your child fits in.

6. Dipping is the dream solution. Most kids love the process of dipping. With most meals, I like to have a "pool" for them to dip in - usually a separate bowl. So, a "pool of syrup" for most breakfast items - including fruits they aren't great at eating - kiwi, mango, passion fruit, blue berries. A "pool of ketchup, ranch, or Italian dressing" is also genius for tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, whatever else. For some magic reason, dip, dip, dipping is a wonderful tool.

7. Eat with them. A lot of times meals are a chance to get errands done, but if they are having a hard time eating, I would change your habit for a few weeks. Just to send this message - what you eat is so important I want to sit here and watch you do it!

8. Finally, and I am not embarrassed to admit this - candy. That's right - straight up bribery. I have been doing this lately and my two year old is eating foods he never would have dreamed of trying (because it is always the trying that's hard). I literally sit next to him with an unseen pile of jelly beans. And for every bite of something I ask him he can get a jelly bean. It goes like this, "Chase if you eat that asparagus you can have a jelly bean." Half way through eating he wants the jelly bean, "Chase you have to finish eating the asparagus. Chew, chew, chew and swallow it...and then you can have candy!" He has eaten so many things - and he is getting over the fear of it. So now, when he sees a green bean, he knows he has eaten it and he tries it again without the candy...not always. But, a lot! I know many people would roll over in their grave, but hey, its working.


What works for you?

Painting: Apples, Peaches, Pears, and Grapes by Paul Cezanne

Baby #2

What can I do to prepare my first child for the arrival of a second child?

To start with I'll paraphrase Doctor Zimmerman , "When you have a second child, you get to teach the first child the best lesson and hardest lesson in their own home -- that they aren't the center of the universe."

My first reaction is - what a harsh thought. I want my child to feel they are the center of the universe. But after thinking about this idea enough, I see its value. What a wonderful gift to give a child, to help them learn to care about those around them, to love more than just themselves, to think about other's needs.

So, how to help them prepare...

Roll Play
I am really big into roll play. In other words, before baby #2 I used a doll and increasingly paid more and more attention to him. I knew that jealousy can be apart of a new baby's arrival - and I wanted to get it out of their system on a doll, and not the newborn. So, literally, I would hold the doll - a lot. I would talk to it, sing to it, pretend to change its diaper - and then slowly, I would invite #1 to help me. To sing with me, to bring the diaper to me...just involving him.

And when #1 would want to play blocks I would respond with something like this, "What a wonderful idea, its such a wonderful idea that I think baby doll would love it to...should we ask him?" And then as we played blocks, I would say something like, "Look how silly baby is, he wanted to play blocks but he is just sitting there. But you know how to use your hands to build such a tall tower. I think maybe baby doll just likes to watch you build...just like I do."

Nursing Box
This is probably my greatest idea of all time. I was really concerned about the time newborns feed, and I didn't want the jealousy to grow. So, before #2 came, I created a nursing box. I bought all sorts of quiet play time activities (you know, the things you bring on a plane trip). And I filled the box, wrapping some of the things (and then frequently rotated the activities). And when #2 came, I called it "Nursing Time" which meant newborn ate, and #1 could get out his box. There weren't very many jealousy issues, and after enough time, it just became routine.

Warning
Regression is sometimes a part of the process, but calling the older one - "big brother" or "big sister" sometimes makes it worse. They are reminded - that being big means they don't get to be held constantly, and would rather be little. So just use their name, and keep pointing out all of the things they know how to do.

Sigh
Its a relief that infants really won't remember what you say and do with the older one. So, a lot of times, when the baby would pull hair or something - I would look at #1 and giggle and say, "Can you believe how silly babies are...he thinks pulling hair is like a hug...oh, silly baby." And the laugh would help teach #1 how to respond.

Even at the park the other day, an older #2 crashed down a sand castle of #1, and instead of being devastated I said, "Is Chase pretending to be a tornado again? Chase thinks its tornado time...maybe you can build another castle and he can be a hurricane this time."

Phone Code

How do you keep your children quite while your on the phone?

The truth is, I don't. This isn't my area of expertise.

But, I did try one thing that worked for awhile, and I can at least share this silly idea (warning: it is pretty silly)...

I invented a secret code - its more fun for your kids if they are in on a conspiracy. The plan was, if I was on the phone and they needed me, they could come and put their hand on me knee. This was the signal, and if I noticed their hand, I would tap back. The tap back would mean = I know you want to talk to me, but I am on the phone, so when I'm off I'll come talk to you. If it was so important they couldn't wait then they would keep their hand on my knee and I would keep tapping which would mean = I know its important, I am going to hurry and finish talking. The secret code worked for awhile - but that's all I've got.

Labels are for Jam Jars

I had no idea that I was guilty of this. I wouldn't dream of calling my kids lazy or dumb - but here's the thing: labeling doesn't only apply to negative labels - it applies to positive labels as well.

Jeffrey Holland said, "You may say most positively that "Susan is pretty and Sandra is bright," but all Susan will remember is that she isn't bright and Sandra that she isn't pretty." This is why labeling is dangerous - it seems to pigeonhold a child.

For example, here are phrase and labels I have been guilty of using...
"You are such a great helper."
"What a great artist you are!"
"You are so athletic."
"Wow, you are such a smart boy."

Ok, I know what you are thinking, if I can't say those to praise my child, what can I say? This is what I learned...it is much more powerful to describe the action. So instead of saying something about being a helper, try describing whatever they did to help..."You are so great at putting your toys away in the basket when I asked you. I really needed your help. Thank you." Or when they bring you a finished art project, "Wow, I love the way you colored such thick lines here - and I love the circles over in this corner - I love this color you chose!"

What this does is help children understand what makes them so great! It helps them identify and accurately process their actions. It will help them in school and in life. I know that even as adults we make this mistake, we may be the "creative" friend - but when we aren't feeling creative, we can feel without purpose.

I still say "helper" and fall into labels - but I have really seen that it is harmful. A child who thinks he is a "great writer" - may find himself confused when writing isn't easy for him when he's in school - but a child that knows he is "great at using adjectives" will understand his own talents.

It takes more time - but its pretty great! Thanks to Cheryl for some of these great thoughts!