New People and Places

I'm a little worried about the way that my 3 year old interacts with other kids and unfamiliar situations. For example, she will not play at the playground unless she has a friend there that she already knows well. She seems so anti-social around people she doesn't know, yet is one of the most social and friendly kids amongst her friends. Is there anything I can do to help the situation, or will she just grow out of it?

Making friends is hard - I mean I'm a lot older than 3 and its hard for me. It seems to take a year in a new city before I feel like I have a good friend...so I can only imagine how hard it is for little ones.

So, in a word she'll grow out of it - but I think its more like, she'll learn out of it. She just needs to the tools and actions for new situations and people.

Here's a few ideas...

1. Prepare her. As you walk to the park have start the conversation. But, not just saying there are new kids, I would try saying that you invited new kids to the park. Make her feel like you are in control..."We are going to the park and I invited a lot of friends to the park. But, they are just learning how to play in the sand. As soon as we park the stroller. Will you jump out and start playing in the sand to show the other kids how to do it..." Just like grown-ups, sometimes its easier to think about someone else rather than ourselves, its just less stressful somehow. It also helps to spell out a specific action.

2. Tell a story. On the way to the park, tell a story about the time you were on a tire swing and didn't know one of the girls. Tell her how it made you giggle and made you want to swing hirer.

3. Give her an extra security. If she is willing to talk about the fear you could help appease it by giving her a special friend. You know, if she has a little plastic Elmo or Dora, have her put her friend (aka toy) in her pocket. Its an Indian in the Cupboard inspired idea, but sometimes it helps to know that you aren't alone.

4. Help her feel like the star. It doesn't matter where or when, it seems to help kids if they feel like they are the central figure. So, when you get to the park, remind her "Wow, all of these kids came here today - I bet they were hoping they could see you!" Or to a class "I bet they were waiting to start for you." Basically, help them feel like they are needed!

5. Be her ambassador. The next few times you go to the park, pretend like you are her playmate. And follow her around making friends and talking to the little kids. And say to the new little girl, "Do you like Dora? I like Dora, too! Look at my pink socks." Really, just model the conversation of a three year old for her. If you pretend to get excited and then talk about it on the way home, your job may just be done! Of course, just try the following around thing for a few times - because who are we kidding - we want the park to be a break, not a new challenge!

6. Routine. And in the end, even if little words and conversations don't make huge changes (although they could) repetition is the best. Make an effort to go where its most challenging a lot and frequently - because they will figure it out!

What do you think of these ideas? Hopefully they are the easy-to-try kind!

Painting: Hands Holding Bouquet by Pablo Picasso

Nursing & Spit Ups

My darling son is 14 weeks old and he's been breastfeeding exclusively...I want to continue to breastfeed him but with his "every-three-hour" feedings, he seems to still act hungry BUT he seems to spit up SO MUCH OF HIS FEED! How do I know when to feed him less often?

If you've been feeding him every three hours already - I can say with much assurance that he will not eat less often until he starts solids (4-6 months is the average start of rice cereal, of course, just set a plan with your doctor). And even then, there is still food or drink every three hours.

But, there are a few things you can do if a baby is spitting up a lot. So, start the experimenting...

1. Burping. A pre-burp and a during burp added to the final burp can help. Bubbles make a tummy no fun for keeping food down. So, try doing more burping - and try different methods. The pat on the back seems the most common, but was always least effective. I am a fan of a firm rub from the lower back up. I also like putting them on their tummy on my lap and patting or doing the firm rub in that position (of course, if your baby is prone to a lot of spitting up, keeping them upright is helpful).

2. Diet. I know no one wants to hear it, but chocolate and caffeine can really effect your milk. So, if you try eliminating different foods and see how they do 6-12 hours later, you can sometimes draw correlations. Try a totally bland day of carbs to start and if you notice a difference in the amount of spit up, you'll know that your baby cares. I hope for your sake, that chocolate and spicy foods are 100% A OK!

3. Feed them less. So, you'll still need to feed them every three hours, but try feeding them one minute less than they normally eat. It makes sense that as they get older they get better and better at nursing. So, it should take less and less time. I found that eliminating just a few minutes significantly made a change in the amount of spit up.

That's a start--I hope it helps!

Painting: Baby John Being Nursed by Mary Cassatt

Books, Books, Books - Two

For a crawling baby, I like to leave a trail of books when I leave the room. If you prop them up on your favorite page every few feet, it stalls them as they stop to knock them over and occasionally they even look at the illustrations. It seems to be a great way to also help them ease away from you and start developing independent play. So, many babies start to get nervous when you leave the room, but a book trail is a happy marriage of literature and distraction.

Biting

My son has a friend (both are almost 2 1/2 years old) who has bitten him twice. It doesn't seem like his mom does anything for a consequence beside maybe a short "timeout". Should I say anything? How do you handle this type of situation? I am really at a loss!

One of the worst moments was when my child was bitten in the cheek - such a deep bite that he had bruises for several weeks where each of the teeth connected. It's the worst. So, I know. I know. But sometimes being bitten can turn a child into a biter - monkey see, monkey do. So, here's both sides of the coin...

To the bitten: I would say, the next few playdates, never leave your son's side. See what's triggering the biting and you stop him before it happens. If it happens more than once you can always use this phrase, "I think us being here is hard on Ben, so we'll play again another time." Of course you will be thinking something different, but by leaving right after it happens, it sends the message to the child -- friends go when I bite.

I would also talk to the mom, in a non confrontational way. Try one of these questions "What's the best way to help a child stop biting, I'm worried about it with my child." -- sometimes asking the person with the problem for advice helps bring it to their attention - its also nice to feel like we are in this together instead of finger pointing. OR "You'll never believe but my child keeps being bitten (you don't have to mention its only their child doing the biting) he's turning into a pin cushion for teeth. You'll have to help me watch him - do you think its because he doesn't know how to play with other children?" Again, bringing it to the attention and asking them to help look will help them catch their child faster and hopefully prevent it.

But, in the end, if its too much, you can just postpone playdates for awhile. Biting is usually a phase that will go away. But, never be afraid to talk about it. I think the more practice we get with situations like this will help us one day when our then teenager crashes the neighbors car.


To the biter: Make sure that you don't just send your child to timeout - if a bite has happened - help them see the pain or tears they caused. Really help them see the consequence of how sad they make someone. Do it quickly, firmly, and then give all your attention to the child who was bitten. You don't want to reward the child inadvertently by giving them too much attention. A lot of bad patterns can be changed quickly, but I have never found a quick solution. It takes a couple weeks of constantly reminding the child not to bite (because they are so little it takes repetition and constant vigilance to make it stick).

You can also try pushing their lower teeth down if you catch them in the act.

Good luck!

Painting: The Weeders by Jules Breton

Toy Rotation

What is your method of toy rotation that I have heard you mention?

Toy rotation is basically like always having new toys. I really do it in two degrees...

First degree: Its nice to have the playdough, the train, the blocks, the little people, the puppets, in separate closets (or at least up high enough that the kids can't get them). Then, to fill the hours of the day - you can get down different activities - for some reason, closet toys are just more exciting.

Second degree: This is more serious - and permanent. I divided my toys in half and put half of them in those big clear tupperware boxes - even the good and bigger things - the cash register, the little people farm and zoo, etc. And then, on a rainy day or a boring day, I get a box down. I take off the lid and let my little ones at it - and it usually fills two hours - simply playing and rotating. They play so happily with new toys.

A possible third degree: I never did this on a big scale - but I still have aspirations. Trading toys with a friend - just because new toys are so much fun. You would have to work out how long - I would say a minimum month.

Painting: The Orange Gatherers by John William Waterhouse

Books, Books, Books - One

So, I feel like everyone agrees that getting kids to read, and to love reading, is a valued goal. So, I am going to do occasional reading ideas - you know - something to augment what you already do with your books. Something to get excited about, one at a time. Here's the first...

Use your books as backdrops - literally prop open the book. And then use the little people or dolls or puppets and have them act in front of the book. So, if your little people can visit to the dump if you are reading I Stink or pretend to borrow earrings to wear from Fancy Nancy. Sometimes a book is most fun when it doesn't even feel like a book - its better, because its a place!

Back to School

If you have a young child who thinks about everything: worrying and planning - or if they are new to school in kindergarten or just a new district - then be sure to help them prepare. Here are a few ideas...

One way is to take the big wheels to campus and let them ride around and around to become familar with the new place.

Test out the playground with them.

Pack a few practice lunches - just so they get in the habit the week before.

Make sure they know their address and phone number!

Painting: Mother and Child by George Romney

Saying Goodbye

How do you leave a friend's house (or other fun place) without tears?

Time to leave the park, or a friend's house, or anything fun can sometimes be tricky. Here are a few suggestions other than the five minute warning (which is the great standard and works perfectly for some children)...

1. Say Goodbye - pick them up say, "It's time to say goodbye to the sand." Then tell them to say, "Goodbye sand" and then you say, "Goodbye sand" and quickly start looking around the park saying goodbye to literally, everything! Goodbye slide, fence, pink sand bucket, swings, Lindsay, Jose, the leaves...the longer the list the better - because saying goodbye becomes the game. And then when they are already in your arms, its easier to get them into their carseat or stroller.

2. Practice Makes Perfect - when you give them the five minute warning, also give them an expectation ie. "We are going to leave in five minutes, when I say, 'Its time to leave' I want you to say, 'Okay, mom!' Will you practice saying it one time for me right now." For some reason if they have said "OK" already - it is so much easier. And they actually understand the expectation. And its great, when your child says, "OK" so cheerfully - you almost forget you just asked them to!

3. Whisper - You can apply this to both the above or try it on its own. It always seems better to ask in a whisper - for some reason it resonated more clearly - the contrast against the loud friend's house or park. They can actually hear it - when the problem can be they are so busy they don't hear.

4. Back Door - Ok, so sometimes you need to plan a get away, a back door approach, if you will. Bring something special in the car or stroller they don't know about - a toy they haven't played with for awhile. A treat, something that means something of great import. Then, instead of saying goodbye or saying that its time to go, tell them that its time to start something new - time to go play with the new Dora toy or whatever. So, this is a little bit of linguistics and a lot of planning ahead. But, if its really hard it might be worth it.

5. Paci/Blankey - I say use these things to your advantage when they are young. Its a bit of the same as above - but basically don't let them have their pacifier or blanket until its time to go. And use the words, "Its time to go check on Pacifier" - and you say the goodbyes.

What else works?


Painting: Considering a Swim by Lindsay Dawson

my philosophy

so here it is...there isn't a right way. there isn't a best way. there isn't an i'm better you are worse way. if every child is unique (which they are) and every mother is unique (which they are) then there are a unique combinations of mother + child. which really means, to me, that the way you parent should be determined by what works for both the mother and child. so, switch it up as you go, as you learn, and as your children are so different.

Pacifier Pains

Angie, My son is 13 months old and still needs a pacifier to fall asleep. People are telling me it is too long to let him use it. I like it because it is an easy way to get him to sleep- I put him in his crib, give him his blanket and pacifier and walk away. I'm worried about weaning him, what do I replace it with? Is there ANY alternative to just taking it away and hearing him cry and cry for it??? Is there any problem with letting him keep it for another year or so? I'm ok with that because he doesn't have it in public, it stays in his crib. What are your ideas?

AND

Ang--me too. I've got a 2.7 year old that uses one to fall asleep for naps and at night only. And getting him to go to sleep is a piece of cake--as long as Paci is present. Paci has been such a good little helper for us, but it's definitely time to say goodbye come December. Any helps for a non-cry-it-out subscriber?

This is obviously one of the big ones. Lots of people care - and it isn't easy. Let me first say, that these two ages present two different situations. And for a baby 13 months old - there is a good chance that if you take away the paci too early he will replace it with a thumb or finger (and lets face it - that's waaay harder). Some children need to suck more than others - so if you are ready then keep reading - and if not, there really is no rush. Gum tension and all of that will pull the teeth back - I've witnessed it - some kids just have crooked teeth regardless. Do it when you are ready. And for me it was around 3 for one of my children - I had different expectations before children and then I got realistic.

But, to help the process - before you start I would definitely try and narrow the paci time to nap and bedtime. So, if your child has it in the car and grocery store - start weaning them slowly. Just pick one place at a time - and STICK TO IT! If you give in early, you'll help teach them that crying will solve it - so once you are ready, don't turn back!

So, I'll start with the crazy (i mean creative) idea first...poke a hole in the paci. A big enough hole so that it is hard to suck - and this could be enough for some kids - paci is broken (and 2nd paci and 3rd paci all at the same time). Give them the option to sleep with it or throw it away. If they throw it away - be sure to empty the garbage can because they will be back - help them watch the garbage truck take it far away.

Ok, that was ideally, but chances are they will want to keep it. So, here it is -- every three days cut the tip of the pacifier. Eventually, after a few weeks of cutting more and more off the tip, the pacifier will be down to a stub. Eventually, there will be nothing to suck - an unsuckable paci. But, it isn't because you took it away - that's the part that's nice. You aren't the bad guy. "Paci is broken - its getting so old..." and then "Lets do playdough!" - I really wouldn't indulge a lot of pacifier talk, because its really about an addiction and talking brings it to attention. And helping them keep their hands busy is one of the best things you can do.

So, if you don't want to do something that off the wall...

You could talk about it being time to get rid of paci for a solid week - and the conversation could be about where he wants to travel - should paci go sailing to Australia? or perhaps on a shuttle to the moon? or to go fight fires on a fire truck? Let your child help decide where he should go. Then build a rocket ship and have paci and the rocket disappear by morning...or take him to the fire station to give it to a fireman...this is perfect for kids that get into adventure. And then you can always say, "Paci is fighting fires - he wants to be here, but he is helping the firemen."

OR

The next time you loose it, don't buy it again. And help them fall asleep by holding their hand. It will take at least three nights that are really hard. They will ask about it - so sing them to sleep and just be with them. Don't take it away and then hope they will figure it out (even though they surely could it would just involve more tears - because the truth is there will be some tears either way - its really a hard transition). A really hard part it is that the paci is part of their behavior and routine of falling asleep. So, as the parent you get to help them learn that they can fall asleep on their own. If they have a blanket help them stroke the bridge of their nose with it. Give them a new behavior and just sleep with them if you don't want to cry it out.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes - and be sure to share your wise advise or even woes.

Painting: Water Lilies by Claude Monet - because face it, you need something soothing when you talk about this stuff...

Power of Placebo

A little boy would not go to sleep because his hand was hurting and a wise Grandpa warmed up a special something...he told the young boy to carefully drink the prepared drink. He warned the child that this drink would help his hand heal and that it would probably even cause him to fall asleep extra quickly. He told him to drink it slowly - it might not taste familiar. The drink worked. The boy felt calm and sleepy and his worries faded.

The drink was warm water and a little guava juice that had been in the fridge. And it worked because it really wasn't about a sickness or a pain - worries are sometimes the hardest to appease. Thank goodness for a simple placebo in a pinch.

Painting: Tea by James Jacques Joseph Tissot

Red, Red, Red

Someone recently asked about creative ideas - here's another one. I did this awhile ago - but I repeat it with different colors, different letters, and even shapes.
As the kick off to red week...

• For breakfast we had strawberries and raspberries in milk.
• For lunch we had red jello, apples, and jam sandwiches.
• For dinner we had pizza with tomato sauce and tomatoes on top.
• We played with red model magic.
• We painted red mixed-medium masterpieces (red crayon, red chalk, red pencils and paint).
• On our drive we shouted out every red thing we saw - red lights, stop signs, red Hummers, red signs, painted curbs, and the cherry on top - a blazing red fire truck.
• As we read, we hunted for red on each page - a Where's Waldoish with the color red. You get the picture - its just a way to say the word "red," over and over until your little one really gets it - its easy and fairly preparation free.

Painting: Yellow, Red, Red by Mark Rothko

Fists Full of Hair

My son is 9 months-old and he LOVES to pull hair. Is there anything I can do to teach him not to do it? I always feel really bad when he pulls others hair while they are holding him...

In my notice and experience - babies hands just love to grab and then stay in a fist. Its really what they are best at. So, with each new handful of hair you can say - wow, he is really getting good at that. What a talent...

Alright, that's not the answer you wanted - and I get it - but teaching a baby not to pull hair - that's a tough one.

But, I think it is avoidable. I've thought and thought - and here's my best solution. Before you let someone else hold him - you are going to have to fill his hands. Something small (not small enough to be a choking hazard) but enough to keep him interested and busy. So...those infant Tylenol bottles - the squeezy end - try that. Or a marker - you could even glue the lid on permanently if you were worried. But, if that's too Bob Dole, then you could try a rattle, or a string, or even a green bean.

Let us know if it works, and don't feel too bad. You can warn whoever you hand him too - but in all honesty - I kind of love a baby reaching up and grabbing my hair - so don't worry too much - because there are silly people like me out there!

Sketch: Leda by Leonardo DaVinci

Creative Play

Do you have a book of ideas or something that you use to think creatively? I'm always trying to think of things outside the pool, park, bubbles, playdoh, reading time etc.

No. Not really. But, a long time ago (pre-kids) I asked every mother I knew to make a list of their favorite activities. Things they really did - specifics. I compiled it and sorted it by age group and inside/outside activities.

So, putting food coloring in a spray bottle and decorating the snow was perfect - at the time. But now I'm in California and the snow thing isn't really helpful. So I need to compile a new one (and you can to -- wherever you are). It was really fun to see what different people wrote ie...

• giving all junk mail to the kids to play post office
• playing "restaurant" and writing your kids order down for lunch
• recording your voice (or Grandma's voice from far away) reading a story and letting them play it over and over
• letting them use teaspoons to measure water and put it in a bigger bowl
• drawing with glue and adding sand
• doing pictures by tearing paper only

I always try to think of one idea (just one) to do tomorrow - right as I am falling to sleep. Its the last thing on my mind.

There are also some good books - I usually just read them when I'm at the book store and store away an idea or two. But The Toddler's Busy Book and others by Trish Kuffner I like. They just seem more doable, I mean who really turns a potato into a clock?!

Oh, and I love the Rainy Day Activity Jar I read about on the Stitching Barn - but you could just use it always!


Painting: The Blind Girl by Sir John Everett Millais