Wits End

I am at my wits end with my 3 1/2 year old son! This year he has progressively gotten worse with his behavior. He seems so unstable most of the time. He cries over everything! And it seems now he is digressing in his behavior. Like if we are at the store he will ask for something and I say no and now he will cry and throw a major fit. He already knows the answer is no, it always has been. But now he cries, pouts, whines, etc. all the time! Why? And what is the best method for my response?? Ignoring, time-outs, take away privileges?? I do not know what to do!

I am so glad you asked this question, because I remember feeling in this same place before. I really was out of ideas...it was almost as if everything that had been working so well stopped working at all.

First, I just have to say this to get it out of the way, make sure he is sleeping well and he is well fed (I feel like three year-olds grow a lot and need a little snack in between meals a few times a day). I know its a silly thing to say, but sometimes the solution is simple - so I thought I'd start at the beginning.

Second, I'll say from personal experience, that if you really are in a period with a lot of tears and breakdowns - I would actually dispense with a lot of the more traditional discipline ideas. I wouldn't ignore, or take away privileges, or even do time-outs--these are too emotionally confusing.

This is what I think, from the very beginning, babies grow in stature and intelligence. It sometimes feels like you can watch them growing - you know when they figure out how to do a puzzle or drag a chair over to the sink. But, then around three there is a new factor, EMOTION. And for every situation there seems to be an emotional factor. Its not about getting dressed in the morning, its about how they feel about getting dressed. Because once you've conquered putting on your own pants, its a lot less fun. So, I would suggest that you deal with your little guy in an emotional way.

What do I mean? Well, instead of helping him see how his behavior is wrong when he cries at the store, I would try to help him feel better so that he can behave better. Here's the best analogy I can think of at the moment...you know when you are cooking and you accidentally put too much salt in your spaghetti sauce - so to try and fix it you add a little bit more Italian seasonings, then a bit more tomatoes, then maybe a bit more garlic to mask the flavor, and you keep adding until you have a disaster. Well, I feel like sometimes we are trying so hard that it is just complicating things. Like, maybe if I say this or do this it will just solve the problem. When the truth is, that a lot of parenting is modeling good behavior -- the one thing that takes a lifetime to demonstrate.

So, I would scoop him up in your arms, and hug him. Try to just give him extra love and patience. I know that this is the ONLY thing that works for me when my kids are at their hardest. And it takes about three days of unending patience, and then I start to see a difference. They are just happier. I can get back to my discipline tools in two weeks, but right now, I can just love them.

But, a tool would be a nice:

Telling stories.

1. Kids love to hear the story of when they were born. You could tell them everyday and it wouldn't be enough. So, pick up your little boy and in a quiet voice right in his ear say, "I'm sorry that you are sad. I'm sad too sometimes. But, I remember a time that I wasn't sad. It was the day that you were born..." And then launch into the story. You'll see the tears will end fast.

2. Kids love to hear stories about when you were a child, especially the toys you played with. Again, in that quiet voice, hug him and say, "I'm so sorry that you feel like you need to hit right now. Sometimes I feel so frustrated I want to hit too. But, I always try not to. I remember one time when I was four years old. I was playing in my back yard and I wanted to dig a deep hole..." Just tell any story.

3. Imaginary Stories are great (I thought I couldn't tell them, but I you get better and better with practice). If you are going somewhere that is high stress, like a grocery store, I would do a Preemptive story. Start the second he is in the grocery cart. "Once upon a time, there was a hungry monster. He was purple and had polka-dots. But, every time he ate something, his fur changed colors." And then everything you add to the cart, let it be monster food. And when you pick up green beans and put them in your cart, tell him how the green beans turned the monsters toes green - or whatever. Just turn the painful ordeal into an adventure.

You may want to read this answer about time-outs - it might be helpful.

Good luck! It isn't easy.

Painting: Henri Matisse, Jazz: Icarus, 1943

Running Around in Circles

My son is a runner, and a fast one at that. He likes to run in circles around the couch, up and down the hall, etc. I usually think it's cute, except for when we're in a public place and he wants to run. I've tried strollers, carrying him, and even bringing treats to distract him, but he'll kick, scream, and foam at the mouth until I finally cave and let him down. Then, off he goes and the chase ensues. Any advice for this "out of breath" mom?

In truth, if there was a simple answer to this question, they wouldn't have invented the leash for kids (oh, no way am I suggesting this - but did you see that Saturday Night Live where the kid is attached to the play structure - too funny! - ok, I am clearly digressing).

Here's an idea or two, but because he's little you'll want to keep the option short and clear. I would bring the stroller and say, "You can sit in the stroller or you can hold the side of the stroller." (Sometimes holding the stroller instead of your hand feels like such freedom and could solve the problem just by doing this). Once he chooses, then make the consequence clear, "If you let go, I will buckle you in."

Of course, he's probably used to running around so its going to take some serious stick-to-it-ness. But, I would go somewhere closer and try it out. He'll probably end up right back in the stroller. But, when he wants out, try again. Once he realizes you won't budge, he'll get used to it (sounds simpler said then done).

When he is happily holding the side of the stroller be sure in that instance to tell him how important his job his. The instant he is being an angel, reward him with your words! Isn't it fascinating how children love tasks and to feel essential.

Anyhow, he is really young, and the honest truth may be that he needs a few more months until he is not bolting.

Painting: Cherubs (Detail Sistine Madonna) by Raphael

Loud Little One

My three year old is LOUD. He seems to find yelling is the way to talk. It isn't like we don't hear him when he doesn't yell and we aren't yelling or loud parents... When we ask him to talk quietly or use your indoor voice, he says he is or that he can't talk quieter. I have tried just whispering to him to see if he would catch on, doesn't work...What can we do? He is teaching out one year old to be loud too and I am not sure my head can take anymore noise!

The best phrase I can offer you is, "My ears can't hear when..." So, every time your little one shouts that he needs you, you can respond with, "My eyes can see that your mouth is moving, but when you talk too loud my ears can't hear the words very well." And then, this is really important, model what you would have liked him to say and in what volume and tone.

For example, he shouts that he needs cookies. You quietly say, "Mom, I would like a cookie please." He tries it. If its right, great. If not, then try again. Sometimes it may take a few times going back in forth. But MODELING is the way I've had the most success.

Of course, if you really can't tell the difference - then you may need to do something like a Volume Bootcamp. You could go outside with the intention of exploring volume. It might be really eye opening if he hears you yell...what it is like when you shout too loud. You could simply go outside to play in the snow - and try and role play. But be too loud or too quiet. Ask him to help show you the right voice to use outside.

In the end, there isn't a wrong or right volume. But, perhaps a right or wrong time to use that volume. So, giving your little one control might help!

Painting: Peter Breugel's Children's Games

Traveling with a Baby

We are traveling next month and I'm not quite sure what to bring for a 9 month old...does anyone have anything good for little ones?

Traveling is a hot topic right now, and traveling with babies is very different than traveling with a toddler or older child.

First. I echo my advice for older kids--the first thing I do on an airplane is bring Clorox wipes in a plastic bag and wipe down all of the airplane seats and trays first thing. Babies seem to get their mouth on everything - so its nice to not worry.

Second. Non-toy toys are the best and seem to hold babies attention the longest. So, I suggest bringing a calculator or a remote. Mini flash lights. Empty infant Tylenol bottle with the squeeze top. A marker (not to draw with - but its great fun to hold). Eye lash curler. You get the idea.

Third. Go with the tried and true books - not that many - they are heavy and not very helpful. Oh, and there is that cute Cheerios Book where you actually use Cheerios as wheels and then the baby gets to pick it up and eat them.

Fourth. Change of clothes. So important. I swear the worst eruptions seem to happen on planes.

Fifth. Something to chew on/suck on during take-off and landings. Some babies do great. Just be sure to fill your bottle as soon as you get on the flight - as for the beverage as you walk to your seat (you know, with the no liquid flight restrictions).


Here's a start, what can you add to this list?

Originally Published 7/12

Sketch: Baby with Dummy by Horace Mann Ivans

Nightmares

"Mom, I am scared!"

"I can't stop thinking about those scary eyes."

"I just can't sleep, I'm feeling too scared."

I feel like sometimes we want to help explain away the scary. Like, there is nothing to worry about, there is no monster under your bed. Or, that sound was nothing. There is nothing scary here...

But, sometimes ration and reason don't work with kids. If they are really scared, they need to learn a coping mechanism. Something to help them deal with the scary feeling that is very real to them - regardless of why it isn't rational.

So, one solution I tried that worked was to help my little boy turn his scary creature into a funny one in his head. Here' what I mean. We decided to give him a big funny rudolph nose and then put chicken legs on his body. We gave him a pink umbrella that had a hole where the rain was dripping in. We made his scary image a silly one. We were laughing together after just a few moments. And when I said goodnight a second time, I said, "If you have another scary guy be sure to dress him up extra funny!"

Anyhow, it worked. It was only a scared moment, not a terrible night or even week!

Books, Books, Books - Six

I don't know what it is about illustrations of food - but I always have to stop and take a pretend bite of everything. Tonight as we were reading about that little blue engine for the millionth time, my little one had to stop and give me a taste of the "red cheeked apples,", oranges, spinach, and peppermint. Hey, I say, if they are pretend eating healthy food -- great! But mostly I just love the interaction with the book - its literally giving back with each pretend bite!

Sketch by Hablot Knight

A Trick for Following Directions

When your little one asks you to watch tv and you say something like, "Ok, but only one show. And then you have to turn it off." And they respond with an ok. But will they really turn it off? Probably not.

The best way I've found to make sure they heard me and will do it is a little quiz. "Are you going to watch tv?" Wait for the Yes.

Then, "What are you going to do at the end of the show?" Usually, they can't answer. All they intially heard was, "Ok!" So, repeat the instructions. And start the quiz over.

When I can get my little one to tell me that he will stand up and turn it off, it usually happens! And of course it works for any kind of direction giving.

Painting: The little knitters by Albert Anker

Inspiration Can Breed Motivation by Hannah

My sister-in-law was here over the holiday and had a question that stumped me. She has a very intelligent 6 year-old girl who is completely losing motivation for everything. She doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning and when she finally does, she just wants to play my-little-ponies and refuses to get ready. At school her teacher complains of her not focusing and "daydreaming". She doesn't want to finish her dinner, just stir it around in her plate, doesn't want to do her homework, so a 10 minute assignment takes 60 minutes. Her mother is getting exhausted trying to come up with ways to get her to do things. Any tips on how to help her become more motivated? My Sister in law doesn't want to squelch her daughter's creativity or make her think life is only about work, but it's getting to a very frustrating point for her and she is looking for advice.


This is a great question - and I have put a lot of thought into the answer. For starters I asked for ideas from one of the best teachers/moms/person I know. Hannah taught little ones and has a wonderful perspective. She is a true treasure (you can tell from the response she gives). My answer is after this post. So, here is her beautiful answer:

"I think inspiration can breed motivation. As a teacher of young children, I think one of my primary responsibilities (& joys in teaching) was to inspire my students: inspire kindness, trust, silliness, resiliency, a can-do attitude...the list goes on. So when a student was having trouble in class, I would ask myself "How can I inspire & motivate little Jane?" I was never big on "do this, get this" reward systems where prizes were doled out. Some kids need that in the classroom, but I've found that most kids don't. Most kids can be inspired and motivated--but you have to know what makes him or her tick. It sounds like this little girl may be bored in school--I wonder if any of these things might work to add some enthusiasm and focus...? These are all things I found easy, quick and doable in my classroom. But of course, not everything works for all kids, and her teacher would need to be willing to try these things.

*Extend assignments creatively to make them more interesting to her. Write & illustrate a story to go with the pictures on the math assignment. Make math problems from the illustrations in a book. Write a different ending for a story. Of course, these need to be things she can enjoy doing independently.

*Does she like helping? When I had a bright quick finisher in my class, I found they often liked and were quite skilled at helping their peers. I taught them some little "insider's tricks" on how to be a teacher by helping, not doing, the work for other kids. In order to help others, she needs to set a good example by finishing her work--then she can help. Most kids love knowing they're helping their teacher and friends. And it was so cute to see little helpers say things like "What word would make sense there?" or "Get your mouth ready" when reading, for example.

*Does she like to write/draw? I had a very bright kindergartner last year who finished her work quickly. But she LOVED to write and draw. That inspired her. So she had a "Words Book" that I made her. (Just paper stapled together.) She titled each booklet "Volume ___" and wrote and drew the most lovely, creative pages. She was learning, thinking, creating. I looked at her book every few days and wrote comments and asked questions, so it also became a 2 way journal for us. But, she was only able to work on this when she had completed whatever classroom assignment I had given her. This motivated & inspired her.

*She seems to like her ponies--maybe she could have a "pony journal" and when she finishes her work, she can write about what she and the ponies will do after she finishes her homework that afternoon (maybe it'll help with motivating the completion of homework in a more timely fashion, too?). The teacher could write at the top "After I finish my homework, my ponies will..." and then she can write about the magical kingdoms they'll explore, etc.

*One of my all time favorite tools was giving choices, which you wrote about a while back, Ang. "Would you like to complete your assignment at your desk or at the writing center?" "Would you like to do your math problems from top to bottom or bottom to top?" And when it comes down to it, "Would you like to do your assignment now or at recess?"

*Speaking of choice, that can be inspiring and motivating, too. Maybe the teacher would be willing to create a menu of acceptable independent choices for AFTER she finishes her assignment. Make the menu cute and colorful. Put it in a special place where the kid can consult it. I've found kids can be motivated to finish the must-do classroom assignments when they know they have a choice waiting for them after.

*Some kids need a visual reminder of encouragement. For one little boy who struggled to stay focused and complete assignments, I wrote some encouraging words on index cards and taped them to the inside of his pencil box, on the inside of his journal, math workbook, etc. He loved trains, so I wrote and illustrated trains with words like "I think I can, I think I can. I believe in you, Marcus! You can do it!" If he was daydreaming or not focusing, I'd stop at his desk and point to one of these cards, not saying anything. Just a smile and a tap, tap, tap. He got the reminder without feeling nagged.

*Draw a picture of something she loves or get some pretty paper and write something like "I am the queen of focusing!" or some such thing. Tape the paper to her desk or inside her pencil box. When you catch her being really focused, draw a little star or crown or flower--whatever she likes. When she collects an agreed upon number of drawings, send home a handwritten note to mom and dad on some beautiful stationary sharing the good news. That can be very inspiring and motivating for kids. It also gives them a visual reminder and keeps track of progress, so that they may start self-checking and being aware of their own behavior.

As a teacher, I found I usually only had a few students (at most) who needed these kinds of motivational tools each year. So, these were quick and easy things that I could do in my classroom. Maybe some of them could be adapted by mom at home, too. I firmly believe that "there's nothing more unequal than an equal education." Meaning, kids need different things to feel successful and reach their highest potential. I never had a problem with other kids saying "that's not fair" or "why don't I have a special journal/menu/paper in my pencil box?" And if they did, I'd explain "Different kids need different things." and they were usually content with that explanation.

I think as adults we need to be inspired and motivated, too. Inspiration is so pivotal in life. When I worked for a really super school principal, who inspired me in the way he interacted with kids, smiled at everyone in the hallways and led staff meetings with such a kind and positive attitude, I felt motivated to be the best teacher I could be, even on the most challenging of days. When I have dinner with a really amazing, resilient, funny friend, I leave feeling inspired...and motivated to be a better friend or be a better story teller or look at things in a new way. And now as a new mom I consider it one my greatest jobs and challenges to inspire my daughter to live a happy, creative and joyful life."


Thank you, thank you, Hannah! What brilliant ideas. Reading so many beautiful ideas is inspirational.
Painting: Renoir's "Portrait of Claude Renoir Painting"

Motivation by Angie

Any tips on how to help a child who is daydreaming and loosing focus become more motivated?

I know that sometimes its hard to motivate our little ones. But I would do whatever it takes to change the cycle. It sounds like she is in a rut. And if one of the beautiful ideas above doesn't work, you may need to try something big enough to break the cycle and re-create a new one at home.

But while you are figuring it out be sure you don't label her. Never use words or phrases like "can you go faster" or "hurry up" or "slow". . . I would be sure to carefully watch her and the moment she is putting on her clothes with determination or the instant she takes a big bite of cereal tell her with descriptive words how wonderful that moment is. Be sure to really give her praise for doing and being. Even if its something as simple as, "I saw the way your eyes looked when you saw the ingredients on the the table for cookies, the seemed to tell me I am so excited about this!" Really watch and emphasize it.

You may need to talk to your child's teacher to see if you can stop homework for awhile. If simple things like using special pencils and pens sitting in a special spot, or switching rolls while you have her teach you, or sticker charts aren't working then you could try something like this:

1. Invent projects that really inspire her. Like Hannah said, knowing what makes them tick is so important. If its dolls, or Pet Shop, or Dora...take that as your springboard. Spend at least a half an hour (in place of homework) doing something different.

Write a play with her for her dolls to act out and record it with your camera.

Watch Dora sitting in thrones you built and pretend to be royal letter counters and everytime she says something that starts with "D" ring a bell...the stranger the better (and if you tell me what she really loves I can help think of random ideas to tailor her).

Anyhow, use reading and writing only for the fun projects.

2. Start using "super speed" and "slow motion" around the house. You model this for her. When you are getting bowls out for breakfast turn your switch to one of the two and let her see you hurry around. Then half way through switch to slow motion. Walk sooooooooo sloooooooow and taaaaalk soooooo slowwwwwly. Do this for a week throughout the day. And then have a more serious conversation that there are times we need to use our different speeds. This way there is nothing "wrong" with daydreaming or moving slowly...help her understand that there are just times for doing the two.

3. When you start homework again, really get excited. Make a production out of starting again. Enjoy it - I even say do part of it because "you are just so excited about it you couldn't help it!"

Big Brother/Sister Envy

When I hear a great idea I just have to share...

With baby number two you find yourself without the seconds, minutes, hours to just hold your infant and revel. Of course, there is the night, but the sleepiness sometimes overshadows the moments of quiet bliss.

Anyhow, you want to talk and love your little one, but with older ears listening in it sometimes creates more jealousy than before. So, this is what Lys-An does...she talks to her infant about the older sibling. In a sweet baby voice telling the infant what a wonderful runner her brother is, or how high he can jump. Of course, its the face time your infant treasures, and your older child gets the benefit of extra compliments and love. A win-win!

Love this idea, Lys - hope you don't mind me sharing!

Painting: Polynesian Woman with Children by Paul Gaugin